Janet Varney Loves Miniatures!
Janet Varney (Avatar: the Legend of Korra, The JV Club, Braving the Elements) is here to prove that the Thorne Miniature Rooms and other tiny versions of furniture are more interesting than the movie musical Grease. Objects in this episode…are smaller than they appear.
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Cast & Crew
- Hosts: Adal Rifai & Eric Silver
- Producer: Eric Silver
- Editor: Brandon Grugle
- Created by: Eric Silver & Mischa Stanton
- Theme Song: Arne Parrott
- Artwork: Shae McMullin
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Tell Me About It is a madcap game show about proving that the things you like are actually interesting and cool. Adal Rifai is an eccentric billionaire who forces someone new every episode to share, argue, and defend the thing they love the most. He’s wrangled his audio butler Eric to lead the contestant through a series of absurd challenges and games, all to gain points and get on the Most Interesting Thing High Score Board. Tell Me About It: the most fun podcast run by a multibillionaire. New episodes every other Thursday.
Transcript
ADAL: It's Tell Me About It. Welcome to Tell Me About It. A game show about proving the things you love are actually interesting and fun. I am Adal Rifai, local acentric, multi-billionaire, and firm believer that Grease is the best creative work in the history of mankind. My apologies Aristophanes, my back tattoo says, fuck you. Though I am not doing this by myself, please welcome. and I have to legally do this. My butler and the first person to tell me a podcast is not for farming or fishing, Eric Silver.
ERIC: That's me. I'm sorry that I descend the notary to your house. But I figured that was the only way for me to get credit. And also you had to stamp my— my working forms.
ADAL: Oh, I thought that was your passport.
ERIC: It was. Also, I needed a passport to stay within this country. because you said that I was from Mars to the President.
ADAL: Interesting. My good friend Warren Buffett has a passport to get in and out of Oklahoma.
ERIC: That— honestly, that's impressive, and I could have used that— I could have used that at the time.
ADAL: Yeah, when you're rich enough, you do earn points every time you use your passport. It's sort of like Marriott Bonvoy.
ERIC: That's true. You walk inside the Marriott and you say hello, I'm here to Bonvoy and they say oh, right away. And when I walk into a Marriott they say, Bon Voyage get out of here, you're not allowed in any of these because of what you did last summer.
ADAL: That's why they have the title. Well, Eric, who do we have today on the docket?
ERIC: We have—oh, Janet I was also going to wonder I should have asked you how should—do you want to be introduced in sort of— any sort of way?
JANET: I mean, I guess my only thing is I don't want to be thought of as on a docket. Other than that, I'm good.
ADAL: We'll get away from the water.
JANET: [sings] Sitting on a docket of ponds.
ADAL: Oh, this reading.
ERIC: We have Janet Varney on the show.
JANET: Hello! Oh, what a relief to be off the docket. This is a blast already. Hello guys, how are you?
ADAL: Actually hold still. You do have some lamb praise on you. Let me just uh—
JANET: Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you.
ADAL: Or maybe— what are those—what are those things that cling on to sharks—
JANET: I feel like their name is— is like what it is. It's like clampers or something.
ADAL: Janet, we all know clampers are fake teeth for the famous.
JANET: Those are glampers, please.
ADAL: Oh, my apologies. And then what's the thing where you go camping in a fancy way?
ERIC: Bon Voyage.
JANET:: Bon Voyage.
ADAL: That's— yes. Bon Voyage presents glamming.
JANET: Yes.
ADAL: Well Janet, what—what would— what would we know you from? I—I feel like I know you from as the titular legend from Korra. I feel like I know you as the titular JV from the JV club.
JANET: Do not feel like you have to say what do I know you from. If you see in— if you see a person that you don't know and aren't friends with, you and I could do this because we're friends or we were friends. But if it's somebody you don't know, please don't say what do I know you from, that is so uncomfortable.
ADAL: Know what there's— I can't put my finger on it. Are you the Hey in Hey Riddle Riddle?
JANET: Uh-huh.
ADAL: You're the—you're the titular fourth house, correct?
JANET: Yes, I am definitely. I usually lead with that.
ADAL: Huh, it seems like you're being sarcastic.
JANET: I mean, I'm almost not. But the reason that I don't say that is that I refuse to answer that question. If someone says what do I know you from? I say we probably went to high school together! And then like, go, and then everyone knows who does improv, all you have to do is wait for the other person to form the shape of a word. And then you're like, Go, huuuu– Dragons!
ADAL: Huuuu Dragons, yes. Famously, Upper New York Hud Dragons.
JANET: I love that movie. The Hud Dragon project by the way.
ADAL: Oh, so—
JANET: Very funny. [4:16]
ADAL: Bruce Willis, I haven't seen the movie, but I will say I believe the box covers Bruce Willis in a hula hoop and just that alone.
JANET: I think Bruce Willis isn't in it. So you might have been—
ADAL: Wow.
JANET: That might have been a weird pirated, I don't know.
ADAL: Huh.
JANET: I think it's Tim Robbins.
ADAL: It's Tim Robbins.
JANET: Yes.
ADAL: And we would know him from—
JANET: I think we went to high school together.
ADAL: Yeah.
ERIC: Go hunt dragons.
ERIC: Go, Shaw Shanks.
ADAL: I hate that I love that as a mascot. I went to North Andy Dufresne High. We were rivals, and you crawled the length of three football fields.
ERIC: Yeah. Oh, you heard about the hazing scandal?
JANET: Ohh.
ERIC: Yeah, yeah, I mean that's what—that's what it looks like. Yeah.
JANET: It was scandalous.
ERIC: Yeah.
ADAL: I feel like also when people are about to say their high school mascot, they will physically start to take on to either Tiger Paws or Eagle Talons, which looked very similar.
JANET: Wait, so by that rule, I should be able to guess who—what your mascot was? Go Butterfly?
ERIC: You couldn't see it, but Mr. Rifai was pupating.
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: And it was incredibly impressive. I've never seen a pupe like that.
ADAL: I went to the Central Illinois Crazy Towns. We were the Fighting Butterflies.
JANET: I mean, it's something that flies. Is it a falcon? Eagle?
ADAL: We were the Boilermakers.
JANET: What's a boilermaker?
ADAL: I think it's a drink.
JANET: Ohh.
ADAL: I think it's when you put a shot in the beer.
JANET: So when you did flying butterfly wings, that was bullshit?
ADAL: Oh, that was my heart at flutter because I got to finally say my high school mascot.
JANET: I really—my face hurts from squinting it up in disgust.
ADAL: That's what I know you're from. You're the lady across me in the doctor's waiting room who's always in there because her face stays scrunched up after squinting too hard.
JANET: Yes, yes. Please help me or better yet kill me.
ADAL: Well, we'll kill you with kindness. And by kindness I mean quizzes and—
JANET: Woooo!
ADAL: —Live studio audience shut up. Sorry about that. I told them to just show enthusiasm. I don't want to hear it, but I want to see it.
ERIC: They're all smiling really loud, Mr. Rifai.
ADAL: Thank you so much. Janet Varney, what subject have you brought for us today?
JANET: I am here to tell you all about. And I mean, all about miniatures.
ADAL: Ohhh.
ERIC: Can you please be more specific miniature what?
JANET: Okay, well—
ADAL: Golfs, horses.
JANET: Not ponies, not horses, not stags, not fawns. Not um a—those are— I've read that have immediately run out of horse— of horse names, horse types. It—well, listen, I love dollhouse miniatures. I don't own a dollhouse, but I own some—
ADAL: Ohh, Ibsen.
JANET: —miniatures. Yes mini EB. I own a tiny miniature Ibsen, Henrik Ibsen.
ADAL: Ending up Prince Albert in the can?
JANET: Let them out everybo—woooo.
ADAL: No, shh, shh.
JANET: Go, Ibsen!
ERIC: Lou— loud smiles, Loud smiles.
ADAL: Loud Smile.
ERIC: Loud Smiles.
JANET: And so yeah, you know, this was prompted by my recent trip to Chicago, I got a chance to revisit the Thorne rooms. And it definitely— I don't want to say rekindled my love of miniatures. And I do realize I added the extra snooty syllable. The fire was lit—
ADAL: We just threw some more logs.
JANET: I definitely threw some logs—
ADAL: Yes.
JANET: —on the fire. Definitely, it's blazing hot in my love of miniatures right now.
ERIC: You didn't start it. It was always turning before the miniature was burning.
JANET: Always burning.
ADAL: And Janet, would you say, Einstein, James, Dean, Brooklyn's got a win too?
JANET: I'd say I can't believe it took 5s for you to get that song referenced wedged into a podcast you're doing. Usually, it's much— less time.
ADAL: I don't know you're talking. Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland. Janet, I will say just in case you do not pass this quiz. I have procured one of the only—there's only two in the world and I own one of them, shrink Rays. Now, if you lose, we will be shrinking you down and placing you inside the Thorney Museum which might be a—
JANET: I bet that's an absolute one.
ADAL: —yeah. Treat for you.
JANET: I have no problem with that.
ADAL: To show you that this is safe, I will use it on myself first.
JANET: Okay.
ADAL: Let me just shoot myself with the shrink ray. And Janet, you were a child once, tell me about that.
JANET: Oh, shrink ray. Booo!
ADAL: Shh. No, boo it with your eyes.
JANET: Sarcastic clapping.
ADAL: Boo it with your eyes. Boo, it with your eyes.
JANET: It's slow, that's how you know it's sarcastic.
ERIC: Again, loud cries everyone. Loud cries, no sound just loud crying, please.
ADAL: So I'll break this shrink ray in half. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'll have to unpack that later with myself.
ERIC: Mr. Rifai, your mother broke your shrink ray once as well.
ADAL: Yes, yes. And I will say there's no U-Haul for unpacking emotions.
JANET: Ohhh.
ADAL: And there's no height requirement for emotional roller coaster. I've tried to—that we won't get there. We won’t get there.
ERIC: I think this is a wonderful time to go to round one. This is round one. Janet, we just need you to tell us about it. With it being your miniatures, your major subjects.
JANET: Okay.
ERIC: I have 10 foundational points about miniatures here. Ple—hey, just tell us— tell us about it. We'd love to have a conversation just about your topic for five minutes. And I ab— I can, I'm gonna keep score, but don't worry about it. Just tell us about your subject.
JANET: Okay, um, little tiny miniatures, how do I love thee? Miniature—
ERIC: Oh, you're prepared a poem?
JANET: Prepared, yes, you bet I did. Wha— okay, look. we— many of us. I don't want to get gender specific because I feel everyone is entitled to have a love of miniatures. I feel like if you wanted to expand the topic all the way out to like, you know, you could argue that GI Joes are miniature people, you could certainly argue that the AT-AT from the Star Wars toys is one of the coolest miniatures of all time. That being said, leaning a little harder into the dollhouse category, I did get one as a kid. I really wanted one, there was a little shop near my house in Tucson, Arizona that I could walk to was like on the way to the video store that my dad and I would walk into sometimes. And I would save up my allowance to get some— little something. And I didn't have anywhere to put anything. But the best one was a little gumball machines. Great.
ERIC: Ohhh.
JANET: Like little red enameled iron stand. This is all one-inch scale. So that's a standard dollhouse size, is an inch for every foot. So it—that is —that is very important to make sure the scale. And sometimes when you see more crudely created miniatures, or you know just something that's a little bit more roughly hewn it may not adhere to that. And I would say the sign, the mark of a great miniature is if it really has that— that perfect relationship to a 1 to 12 situation.
ADAL: Wow. I just gotta say sorry, perfect relationship 1 to 12 something I wish I had with my dad.
JANET: Uh-huh.
ADAL: Sorry, keep going.
JANET: You've got to get that shrink ray out of here. I think it's just on and just penetrating you. That's maybe a bad choice of words, but— So it is— it's— it's a hobby— I would say it's a hobby that is shared by not just kids, but adults. There are some very, very fine miniatures out there. You can certainly see people on Instagram posting. There's a Thomas something miniatures I follow that really has— just every day they have these beautiful videos where you're seeing this just intricately made, you know, like blown glass vase. When I moved to San Francisco, I got a part-time job. I got two part-time jobs at two retail shops that were within walking distance of the apartment I moved into. So when I was 19, and one of them was at a high-end miniatures shop near Union Square, very expensive real estate.
ADAL: Can we get a name for that shop?
JANET: The Treasure House. And that was incredibly specialized in—in things that are tiny and expensive. Other jobs, all Australian import store. Australia Fair. It was—I became an instant wank for two types of things that like I can't believe how many like little jugs of Vegemite I sold for—for—
ERIC: Woop, woop, woop.
ADAL: I'm sorry Janet, you said our secret—
JANET: Yeah.
ADAL: —phrase today which is, instant wonk.
JANET: I did. And?
ERIC: I put 1 bo—bonus point down right now.
JANET: Okay, great.
ERIC: Also just to double check, was the Vegemite regular size? Very tiny?
JANET: This is the problem. I feel like I should lie and say it was miniature. I realized I went off the rails. I went off-topic. I'm now talking about Australian imports. That's not helping, so—
ERIC: It's okay, I don't think that will affect your score later on.
JANET: I'm gonna take a hard right back over to The Treasurer's House. We had—and this will mean something to anybody who's interested in interior design as well. But we had William Morris wallpaper that had been perfectly executed in small wallpaper form. You could put it on like regular wallpaper. But first, before you put on the wallpaper, you electrify the doll houses with a little electrical tape. I mean, it became a tiny, like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, one of those. I can't— they all sort of run together.
ADAL: Tinker Tailor Soldier, instant wonk.
JANET: Exactly. Emphasis on tinkering. And seeing the foreign rooms again, it really re-ignited that. Also a fan of the nutshell studies, which is a very famous series of. And by the way, those two things kind of cross-reference each other, that a woman uh— I'm gonna say her name is Francis, um—
ADAL: You'd be right.
JANET: — I never be able to pulled her full name. And she was— this kind of extraordinary woman who like rose through the ranks in the police. When that wasn't a thing, this isn't like the New Hampshire area. I think the rooms now exist in Baltimore. And that she was— she used them to help police try to figure out murders. That like they would recreate every piece of evidence, every part of the room. And so you'll see these eerie murder scenes made so cute. They're so small and cute. And—and I— here's what I'm not sure about. I don't know that it helped them solve any crimes at all. I'm gonna have to go back and do some research because that doesn't necessarily— that's not part of the miniature love. That's like a true crime thing, which by the way, also a huge fan of that. So you would think that I would know all the ins and outs of this. But yeah, and so—and I have a little bit Yelich of a dream. And by the way, speaking of Baltimore and miniatures, surprise, surprise, one of the lead characters in The Wire made tiny miniature furniture. And I can say from experience that was a— it was Clark Peters? Clark Peters's role. Remember the guy who always had his little like glasses on. [14:51]
ADAL: Yes, yes, yes.
JANET: He was making those beautiful miniatures and is the most beautiful deep voice ever. But yeah, he'd be like working on an arm war with special glasses. So the fact that I've been able to bring Baltimore and miniatures together, not once, but twice. I'm just saying. And—
ADAL: No, don't worry, you got bonus points.
JANET: Thank you. What else? What else? What else? What else? What else is going on?
ERIC: And time. Wonderful. Thank you, Janet. I wasn't prepared for someone to reference Bodymore, Murderland of this podcast, but here we are.
JANET: Here we are. Oh, oh, one more thing. Not related to miniatures. But in a strange twist of fate, the two states I associate her most strongly with the nutshell studies, Frances Gall are Maryland and New Hampshire. I am leaving tomorrow for New Hampshire. And today, the prosecutor's office of Baltimore, filed a petition for a non-SCI-EDS conviction to be overturned, for him to be able to go home. And that never happens. The prosecution never asks for a conviction to be overturned. They've been working on a like a conviction review team with the defe— with his defense team. And he's— unless somebody royally screws it up, and it won't be anyone on the defense side, he's finally going home. So there you have—
ADAL: That's incredible.
JANET: —those are some huge things in the Baltimore area that are very much top of mind.
ADAL: That we all know of.
JANET: In the top of head.
ADAL: Thank you. Tip of my top hat. We all know Adnan Syed, as well as Conan O'Brien, co-created podcast, so—
JANET: That's right.
ADAL: This is huge news in the podcasting community.
JANET: That's right.
ADAL: Well, Janet, I'll let Eric give you a quick overview of the score, and then I will add in some bonus points.
JANET: Oh, great.
ERIC: Absolutely. You hit a— you hit more points than I thought. For someone who also talked about Australia and stuff for a little while there in the middle. You did hit on scale, which is a massive thing, which I, you know, reading about math is so much harder than hearing someone actually explained math. So now I understand how scale works in a way that I didn't understand before. So you get a point there. You mentioned the Thorin miniature rooms, which we'll definitely talk about more. You also said that a lot of the rooms use the actual like the minis also use the same material, which I thought was wild. And you hit on the nutshell studies and you hit a few points there. I was waiting for you to mention that the miniature killer was from—from CSI, was inspired by these rooms. But you mentioned The Wire instead. So I gotta give you the point because it was still TV.
JANET: Thank you because I have never seen a single episode of CSI. So that would have been a real trouble area for me. And was apparently.
ADAL: It's like the wire of TV.
JANET: Ah, can I talk to you for a second?
ERIC: So that's a 1—you hit 1,2,3,4,5—4 and a half. 5 and a half, and 6. That is 6 points. 6 out of 10, Janet.
JANET: Okay, I mean it's not 10, but—
ADAL: Well—
JANET: —Cool.
ADAL: —let me add into my bonus points. I will say I'm a little upset you did mention The Nutshell Studies, but you did not—I'm very sad to say you did not no—no— nor hide nor hair of the peanut studies. Which of course is Charles Schultz's tiny rooms where he kills off all his beloved characters. Charlie kicks off Lucy's head, I love football, etc. But here are the bonus points I will give you.
JANET: Okay.
ADAL: You immediately get 10 extra points for saying, instant wonk. That's now— that is now— I've trademark that, that is now my phrase. We will be selling wor— merchs that says, instant wonk. I will also be releasing —I bought this at a rare book auction. Roald Dahl actually wrote a prequel to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory called instant wonk. So 10 extra points for that. I will say 2 extra points. for mentioning The Wire, which of course is the best show of all time.
JANET: Okay.
ADAL: Besides CSI. And another 3 extra points for before he ran out of time, filling that time by saying, what else? What else? What else? What else? What else? Another genius moves that I will be trademarking.
ERIC: It's like yo— I'm just— I'm just searching my brain for all the possible things I could have done. I'm looking at my mind palace. There's all these papers around in my mind palace.
JANET: I don’t know how there are going to be additional rounds. It feels like we've covered everything.
ADAL: And today, I'm gonna give you some— a chance to earn 3 extra bonus points. We talked some— more than I have in my life about Baltimore. Of course, the only thing I know about Baltimore is basically that the Ravens were named after Edgar Allan Poe's—
JANET: The Raven.
ADAL: —famous story. But there is one other thing I know about Baltimore, which is the question I'm going to ask you, which is do you know the song that the Baltimora sings?
JANET: Baltimora? I have not— I mean, is it—the one of those songs where you're like, oh, everyone knows the song, but no one knows thats it's by a band called the Baltimora.
ADAL: A 100%. I believe it's from the mid to late 80s. I've done it maybe 4 or 5 times at karaoke.
JANET: Ohh, my!
ADAL: Because there's barely any words. It's almost like tequila in that way.
JANET: Hmm.
ADAL: I'll give you 3 seconds to think about it. 2, 1.
JANET: Low Rider?
ADAL: You were very close. They sing the song Tarzan Boy, which goes—
JANET: Oh my god, I was gonna say that. I don't know that name of that song!
ADAL: Ohhh, ohhh.
JANET: That's the first thing that popped in my mind.
ADAL: Well, I'm gonna give you 2 points.
JANET: That's first thing that popped in my mind, but I don't know the so—because I have a— I have an ongoing argument with Brandon, it makes him crazy. Because when I was first trying to think of what that song was years ago, I was like, what's that one song, that's like, oh, way, ohh way, oh we ohh, ahh. And he was like that is absolutely not those syllables. It does matter, Janet, it does matter.
ADAL: Interesting that you sing it like a camp counselor.
JANET: I did not know. I had no memory that had anything to do with Tarzan, like, in fairness does it? But— but yeah, so. [sings Tarzan Boy]
ERIC: This feels like a song you commissioned in your Barry Gordy phase, Mr. Rifai.
ADAL: Thank you so much. Of course Barry Gordy, one of the best California Raisins.
JANET: It's crazy how competitive they were with each other. I mean, they're cutthroat, those raisins.
ADAL: Yes.
JANET: One of the best. It's like don't say that in mixed company because those raisins will get you.
ADAL: Yes, one of them—sadly, I hate to tell the story. But since I hit myself with a shrink ray, I feel the need to open up. One of them was my godfather, and famously his co-workers, the other raisins did rehydrate him in the night, turning him into a California grape which no one wants. And he was kicked out of the music industry.
JANET: I'm so sorry.
ADAL: He also had notes of tangerine oak. She polish and—
JANET: Yeah, you might want to back off, no one wants a California grape, buddy. I feel like the wine industry is doing fine.
ERIC: I heard one of the songs and I was just like, I can just buy two Buck Chuck instead. And I like them there.
ADAL: Thank you. Yes, two-buck Chuck. Even billionaires will drink from Trader Joe's.
JANET: I have my we—there's a two Buck chuck that is in fairness, it's like $3. Might be $3.99 even. But it's also very good. If anyone is interested in Crane Lake.
ERIC: I am, thank you.
ADAL: I think I am.
JANET: It's pretty good. Yeah. $4 Wine? Pretty good.
ADAL: Pretty good. I also I will say not to tell tales out of school. I went to school in Boston, let's just say that.
JANET: That’ll work.
ADAL: That our mascot was the Fighting Harvards.
JANET: All I could think was California Raisins, which seems unlikely.
ADAL: I will say that Two Buck Chuck is also the nickname we gave to Charles Schwab when he was tipping. Charles Schwab, I believe a real person I knew in Harvard.
ERIC: No, you nailed it. You got it. You definitely remember that.
JANET: 3 points for not just going back to troll Schultz.
ADAL: Thank you.
JANET: That said quick point. Schulterz piano miniature.
ADAL: The tiniest blanket.
JANET: Yup.
ADAL: He's wearing the– the tiniest dust molecules. Eric, can we get a toint— a point— Oh, no I'm sorry. I said it correctly the first time.
JANET: I will make a point.
ADAL: Can we get a toint poodle?
ERIC: Yes, we can get a quick toint poodle right here. after adding 6 plus 10 plus 2 plus 2. That is 20 points for Janet Varney.
JANET: I feel great about it. I really feel great about it.
ADAL: Toint poodles, of course, an example of a spoonerism as it created by Shel Silverstein, rival of Roald Dahl, who created the prequel instant wonk, just to tie that all together.
JANET: Yeah.
ADAL: Anyway, let's move on to round two. Eric, do you mind kicking off round two?
ERIC: Absolutely. Round two is the perfect thing. Janet, can you give us a perfect encapsulation of miniatures? If someone asked you, well, what's an example of the thing you love so much? What would you say, and how would you describe it?
JANET: I mean, I would probably reference the Thorne rooms just because they are available to be seen. Granted, you do have to pay an admission, which the Art Institute of Chicago is not cheap. So I'm immediately backing off all of this. That being said, yeah.
ADAL: I will say as a Chicago resident when I'm not living in my palace in the sky. Shout out, Joni Mitchell. I will say that I believe and you can look this up easily with a— with Google or with the billionaire search engine that we use.
JANET: Uh-huh.
ADAL: You can look up that— I believe it's the first Tuesday of every month, the Art Institute is free.
JANET: Okay, let's flood those art gates, everybody. First Tuesday of every month, go see the Thorne rooms, beautifully rendered tiny miniatures. You'll learn something not only about the fantastic art of making miniatures, but also the way houses and indoor rooms looked of sure mostly the very, very, very rich of a certain era, but very charming. And you will have a very strong sense. I think if you go to the Thorne rooms, if you're not going to like miniatures like you're— then that's the onl— like, if you're just not going to ever let yourself like them, then you won't like the Thorne rooms. But if there is the tiniest chance, emphasis on tiny, that you might like them at all, you will love the Thorne rooms.
ADAL: It's almost in the Grinch fashion, where—
JANET: Yeah.
ADAL: — your heart will grow 10 times.
JANET: Yes. And yet you will wish that your heart could shrink down a one— on a 1 to 12 scale. Because the rooms are so wonderful that you— you, you sort of believe there has to be the rest of the house, even though it's structured so that they're a little anterooms that you can sort of see like staircases that go up. And it's such a wonderful trick of the mind. Because in your mind, you're like, oh, I'm just seeing a sliver of this entire perfect miniature house. But really, I don't think that's true. I mean, I think you're seeing what there is. And that's—and that's magic.
ADAL: And Janet, you said in these rooms, the circuses only go up.
JANET: You may have intuited that from me, nay inferred it from what I was saying. But sure, they only go up, like castles in the sky. Shout out to Joni Mitchell.
ADAL: Shout out to Joni Mitchell.
ERIC: Now, there are 100 and miniature model rooms that were made by Narcissa Niblack. I guess I'm saying that correctly, Thorne?
ADAL: From Harry Potter?
ERIC: I've never— I've never read that. I'm more of a How To Train Your Dragon, sort of guy.
ADAL: Oh, me too. I only heard.
JANET: I mean she had to drag around the name Narcissa. So I'm glad she came up with something really special that people would remember her for instead of that name.
ADAL: It's either create—
ERIC: Yeah.
ADAL: —little rooms or drown in a lake staring at your own image.
JANET: Exactly right.
ADAL: Those are the options.
ERIC: Yeah. She had nothing else other than being incredibly rich during the Great Depression. That's all she had going for herself.
JANET: Also helps.
ADAL: Au chante
JANET: Don't flirt.
ERIC: Out of all 100, do you have a favorite?
JANET: Oh boy, that's a great question. I am a big fan of the— there's a Santa Fe one. I tend to like the ones that are more modern, they don't go up past a certain point. I think they go into like the 40s maybe, or the 50s. I'm not like you know I kno— it's interesting to look back at the ones that she— where she's you know, fashion something that looks like a drawing room from the 1500s in England or something, but that's —that's not really my jam. So I love when they start to feel more familiar like they start to feel more like what we live with. Because that you know it's—it's like anything where— almost anything from the past, you have to sort of remind yourself that it— that it was real. Like you know we look at photographs or paintings and we're like, I don't know, that's not a living breathing person. Like I could de— I would— they don't live or made of flesh and blood, they were made of like whatever the past was made of.
ADAL: Whistler's mom, get fucked.
ERIC: They're just made of dust and toenail, that's all humans are made up of in 1910.
JANET: That's exactly, you can't fool me.
ADAL: Their dust in the wind. Shout out to Kansas.
JANET: Shout out to Dusty Springfield.
ERIC: I say, shout out to Joni Mitchell.
JANET: Yes, yes. So yeah, I mean, I think I like the— I like the stuff that reminds me most of like, what you— a room that you would actually— potentially like. You—that you could walk into and go, oh my god, I just saw the miniature version of this.
ERIC: Every time you walk out be like, oh, that's a chair, it's like a large version of what I saw before. Incredible.
JANET: It is one of those things after you see the Thorne rooms, it's kind of that same thing that happens after you've been playing a puzzle game, or like a video game, or done an escape room, where your brain flex sort of puts on that filter. And then for a while when you are looking at the world, you're sort of— it almost feels like you're just looking at like the big version of something small instead of like regular size stuff. You're like, oh, look at that. Look at that regular-size book.
ADAL: Well, it's like I mean, to bring back up Roald Dahl and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It's like when Mikey TV is shrunk down through shrink process, that was fake, by the way.
JANET: Or the Giant Peach is shrunk up.
ADAL: Oh, correct. Thank you so much. Bonus point to Janet for topping me. Also, Janet, I'm willing to give you a bonus point for this round. You mentioned Santa Fe being your favorite room, the Santa Fe-style room. Grease, the movie, and the musical is my favorite thing in the world.
JANET: Yes.
ADAL: Famously, you've never corrected me on anything regarding Grease.
JANET: You've always nailed everything perfectly.
ADAL: That is canon. In fact that I've would’ve–
JANET: Correct.
ADAL: –corrected you if I'm remembering correctly. Grease is my favorite movie/musical. There's another musical that references Santa Fe. In fact, maybe somebody's opening up something in Santa Fe. Can you tell me what musical that is for 2 extra points?
JANET: Oh no. I don't know anything about most musicals.
ADAL: Here's what I'll say, Janet. As a billionaire, this is a term I've never heard once in my life, except when my grandfather was a landlord to—
JANET: Rent.
ADAL: —most. Thank you.
ERIC: I was gonna say waitress, I'm glad you said Rent. Now just to be really careful, Mr. Rifai when you said you want—
ADAL: Dr. Rifai, please. Mr. Rifai was my father. Speaking of my father, I never got my doctorate and I'm disappointed him.
JANET: Oh, no.
ERIC: Sorry, Dr. Rifai, DDS. When you said you wanted to give Janet an extra point for topping you, did you really mean that or were you just saying it to be polite and I shouldn't write it down?
ADAL: Well, I gave that answer through gritted teeth. So you should have known I was being sarcastic, which I do not tend to do as per Janet herself also mentioned. We are not of the sarcastic ilk. I once hunted ilk in the bowels of Asia.
JANET: Don't use a subject. I— what I heard was yes, that was a real extra point.
ERIC: It was real extra point. Wonderful.
ADAL: Okay, because of the competence let's give it to her. Wink.
JANET: Great.
ADAL: Eric wink.
ERIC: Oh, uh—
ADAL: He's looking down. Never mind, we'll have to give that point.
ERIC: I'm still trying to figure—oh, oh no, I spilled orange juice all over my laptop. I ca—I can't figure it out. This is the end of round two. M—Dr. Rifai, DDS, Esquire. How many points out of 10 do you think Janet did in terms of describing the perfect thing?
ADAL: Please, I'm Dr. Rifai, DDR, dance, dance revolution. I would say—
JANET: And what is a point to really?
ADAL: Because she stays curious, let's give her all 10.
ERIC: Oh, wonderful.
JANET: I was just gonna say that–
ERIC: That was—so that's 20 + 2 points, 2 points + 10 points, that is— we're up to 32 points for Janet Varney right now. Your subject might be miniatures, but your scores are not.
JANET: Thanks, guys. I'm starting to feel like a little heavy with points. So if there's a great cause, and I can donate some points, do I want you to know that I'm open to that?
ADAL: Oh, boy. Well, I think trying to think of who needs points, the Sacramento Kings.
ERIC: Nice. Yeah.
JANET: Can't do it.
ADAL: Oh, shit.
JANET: I'm so sorry, can't do it.
ADAL: I just checked my Go—
JANET: No.
ADAL: —I checked my Google Doc and I actually own the king, so that was a self-burn. Oops, sorry about that. Hey, go, Kings, next year.
JANET: Alright.
ERIC: We'll put out one of those UNICEF boxes that kind of look like what munchkins come in—
JANET: Yes.
ERIC: And you can just put your points in there.
JANET: Yes.
ADAL: Munchkins, famously donut shrunk down.
JANET: To Wizard of Oz size.
ERIC: In a reverse Grinch situation. Thank you, science.
JANET: Oh, classic reverse Grinch.
ERIC: The reverse Grinch is when you— when you take something from— from big and make it small.
JANET: Yeah.
ERIC: Or when you explain to someone the meaning of Hanukkah.
ADAL: I see, yes.
JANET: Got it.
ERIC: Of course.
ADAL: Well, Christmas has the Grinch, and Hanukkah, of course, has the Mensch. So—
JANET: Uh-huh. Yes.
ERIC: That's true. I feel like I needed to do a reverse Grinch to you later on today.
ADAL: Well, well, we'll discuss that my anti-chamber. What is the next round, Eric?
ERIC: Alright, we're going to round three, which is the question and answer portion. We have some follow-up questions for you, and they will be the Gacha questions that Barbara Walters has built her career on.
JANET: A Gacha. So I'm probably— I'm—I'm not—it's gonna make me cry. This is gonna make me cry. Let's dig deep, okay?
ERIC: This is your time to shine.
JANET: I've always wanted to be made to cry by Barbara Walters, so.
ADAL: Well, I do have her—is she dead?
JANET: I'm sure she's alive. I feel like I would know.
ADAL: Okay, I was—I was gonna say—
JANET: Someone would have told me.
ADAL: I have her head cryogenically frozen in my hallway. I'll return to Oz, but—
JANET: Okay.
ADAL: Maybe I just have a case for it. Okay, Janet, here are your three Barbara Walters adjacent questions. Here are the difficulty rankings for models number one, beginner, number two beginner, number three intermediate, number four advanced, number five expert, number six kitbasher, number seven, scratch builder. This ranking system is terrible. Beginner was on there twice, if you didn't notice and that is real thing.
JANET: Yeah.
ADAL: Can you come up with a better difficulty system than the one I just listed?
JANET: Okay, so you said beginner, beginner.
ADAL: Intermediate, advanced.
JANET: Intermediate, advanced.
ADAL: Expert, kitbasher, which sounds like a character from Inglorious Basterds.
JANET: Kitbasher got real browy all of a sudden. Like why? Huh—what?
ADAL: Are kit basher sounds like the Speed Racers nephew.
JANET: Oh, for sure.
ADAL: Number—number seven was scratch builder.
JANET: What? Oh, you like you build from scratch, okay? Kitbasher. So a Kitbasher is like we— I take the kit, but then I turned it into something special like that—it wasn't maybe meant to be.
ADAL: Janet, I couldn't tell you, this is not my forte.
JANET: I do—
ERIC: Correct.
JANET: —not know anything about building models, but—
ERIC: Correct. That is when you take a bunch of—a bunch of different kits together and make it into something.
JANET: That being said, okay, I'm gonna go if there's 7.
ADAL: There's 7. But you don't— you do not have to replicate the number of terms, you just make your own system.
JANET: Okay. Well, I think the set having 7 is a beautiful and magical number. So I'm gonna stick with 7. I'm gonna go with absolute and honest beginner. Number 2, I'm going to go with– let me see where that's going. Number two, I'm going to go with optimistic beginner. Number three, I'm going to go with a nervous beginner. Number four—
ADAL: So just to stop you, instead of taking away one of the two beginners, you've added a third.
JANET: Yes.
ADAL: Eric, giive her point for Audacity.
ERIC: Absolutely.
JANET: Number four pretends not to be a beginner.
ADAL: Okay.
JANET: Number five, beginner no more. Number six, beginner feels like a long time ago. And number seven, beginner of building universes.
ADAL: Wow. This is—
JANET: And on the seventh day—
ADAL: He beginnered.
JANET: Yep.
ADAL: This is also like Keebler's seven stages of grief.
JANET: Keeblers, like Keebler Elves?
ADAL: Uh, is that his name?
ERIC: Yeah, the second one is Fudge Filled.
ADAL: Thank you. [34:52]
JANET: Oh, I love it.
ADAL: Kebla, Kebler. Keb—Keb go, Keb– Kebu?
JANET: I don't know what might be in the Keebler, but all I can think of is the Keebler Elf, so.
ADAL: I've had some tiny little bring lapses recently ever since a shrunk myself with that shrink ray.
JANET: Yeah.
ERIC: It goes its snap, crackle, pop, and then acceptance.
JANET: Whoa, someone jumped over to the Krispies.
ERIC: They're both there, elves where there. I gotta— I gotta exotic Grinch myself, hold on.
ADAL: Let's see here. The affirmation—here's your next question, Janet. The Affermentioned Narcissa Niblack Thorne.
JANET: Yeah.
ADAL: Who created the—who created the Throne Room rooms? Had 100-period rooms made at her direction. In total, 99 of the rooms are believed to still be in existence. Where is the 101?
JANET: I feel like the most evidence I can point to for a real and true nonsarcastic answer, is that warehouse at the end of the Raiders of the Lost Ark, where you just go in, and in, and then there's just rows and rows, and rows and rows of boxes crates. It's got to be in there somewhere, right? And it's the room that you shouldn't look into.
ADAL: That's the what one room—yeah.
JANET: That the Nazis were looking for.
ADAL: Exactly. If you look into that room, you or a friend dies within seven days. And I will say just like you regular mortals will shop at Crate and Barrel, or I don't know where else. Pier 1 Imports.
JANET: May have gone out of business. Go ahead.
ADAL: I did not know that. My apologies to that family. Myself and my billionaire friends, we do shop at that warehouse from the Indiana Jones.
JANET: You do?
ADAL: We do. Yes, so.
JANET: Like you shop blind? Like you just take a crate and hope for the best?
ADAL: Well, to be honest, I didn't ever realize this until now. It is a lot of crates and barrels.
JANET: Uh-huh.
ADAL: And we do buy blind, and then we open them up and we're either cursed forever or we have some sort of Ancient Dragons hoard so. Or alien bodies. I have alien bodies scattered about my attic. So it is kind of a crapshoot.
JANET: Now is there room for like old ceramics like jugs and jars, and pots and stuff like that? Is—does that fit in the warehouse, or do you have like a whole separate barn for that?
ADAL: The pottery section I guess— I don't know if there's a pottery section. Maybe there is a sort of a pottery shed I want to say. What's the better term for it?
JANET: Oh, that'll do.
ADAL: Extra point for referencing Babe the movie. Okay, your final question in this round Janet.
JANET: Ready.
ADAL: Downsizing is a 2017 American science fiction comedy, drama, film.
JANET: Oh, yeah.
ADAL: Where Matt Damon, how do you like them apples, gets all shrunk down.
ERIC: Go fighting Harvard's.
ADAL: They cute.
JANET: There it is.
ADAL: Oh, I'm sorry, we are the Fighting janitors. That is our new— ever since that movie, we are— that is our new mascot.
JANET: But that's what listeners of my podcasts are called, the janitors.
ADAL: Is that real?
JANET: Uh-huh.
ADAL: Oh, well, can I buy that off you?
JANET: I have that for sale. And I also have exotic grinch.com.
ADAL: I'll take exoticgrinch.com.
JANET: Okay, great.
ERIC: Don't worry sir, we already have —we already have exoticgrinch.party. I'm securing exoticgrinch. horse right now. I'm on it.
ADAL: I know it.
JANET: Exoticgrinch.horse?
ERIC: I am Go Daddy-ing as we speak. Go—
ADAL: No.
ERIC: —exoticgrinch.life exoticgrinch.wedding.
JANET: I'm dying to buy janetvarney.horse.
ADAL: Exotic Grinch of course will be my sexy Halloween costume this year. As I mentioned downsizing the movie in 2017 with Matt Damon, he gets all shrunk down. Janet?
JANET: Yes?
ADAL: You yourself, would you downsize if you had these school rooms?
JANET: Yeah.
ADAL: Go ahead.
JANET: I mean, do I get to—
ADAL: [38:30]
JANET: Could I upsize afterward?
ERIC: By understanding is that once you're downsized, you cannot upsize?
JANET: No, I would not downsize permanently.
ADAL: What if and— this is a twist I'm adding on the fly. What if you could also shrink down 50 other people and one pet?
JANET: So it's getting interesting.
ERIC: Sir, I told you not to look at my notes for your next birthday party. I told you explicitly not do that.
ADAL: I'm just so excited. I get to shrink down 50 people I know.
JANET: Well, I mean, that's the thing is what— you just added to the mix, sort of seemed like it took me out of it. You just said what if you could shrink 50 people, and I wou— absolutely would shrink 50 other people who aren't me, so—
ADAL: What I'm saying, to join you. To join you as a—okay. Because I—just on Danny DeVito alone, I would be so curious. So Janet, for the 3 Barbara Walters-esque questions, I am going to award you 2 out of 3 points. The reason I'm not giving you the full 3 out of 3s because I am a little bummed that you would not downsize yourself.
JANET: Yeah.
ADAL: You could have said I will downsize and that just means you'll throw out some clothes you haven't worn, some high school or something, and you could have circumvented the rules, but you did not, so.
JANET: Oh, I took it very seriously and literally.
ADAL: Thank you so much. So we will give you 2 out of 3 points for that round.
ERIC: Perfect. By scaling that up to add— to add of 10 that comes out to about 6.66666 points repeating, plus 32. So you have 38.6 repeating points Janet Varney.
JANET: Woo. This is like being in one of those bathrooms where there's mirrors that face each other and I'm just looking at millions of me's down the line. That's so many sixes. That's great.
ADAL: Janet, did you want to plug your biography? Millions of Me's?
JANET: Millions of Me's. I'm actually being sued by Minions.
ADAL: Oh, no.
JANET: Yeah, I didn’t think it was that close.
ADAL: Or I would say [imitates minion] oh no. I assume.
JANET: [imitates minion]
ADAL: Alright. Well, we're onto round four, which is the wheel of extraordinary challenges.
JANET: Okay.
ADAL: I've instructed my butler, Eric to prepare a few wacky minigames here to test your intellectual and creative mettle. And here's the gigantic wheel with all the possible games we can play. Let me switch that into the Garden Room here. Oh, it's so expensive. Let's go ahead and spin it.
ERIC: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
ADAL: Hey, Eric?
JANET: Hold on, I should get that.
ERIC: Yeah.
JANET: Hello. Yes, this is old-timey, Janet.
ADAL: [mumbles]
JANET: Oh, I—and I will. Okay. Mums the word alright.
ADAL: [mumbles]
JANET: Exotic Grinch to you too. The 20s.
ADAL: The 20s. Whenever one answer the phone Marriott Bonvoy, Bonvoy.
ERIC: Wonderful. Alright. I do have a game for both of you. It is called, Look At This Box I Made.
ADAL: He does this every other week. He has this wine and box-making class that he goes to and—
JANET: Love it.
ADAL: Have to indulge him. Oh, very good. Validation, validation.
JANET: I love that. Beautiful, four sides a bottom and a top
ADAL: Wow. You forgot the lid. That's fine, though.
JANET: Ohh, yeah for sure.
ERIC: Hold on, there's something inside the box. Hold on. Well, so this is going to be a contest between the two of you. I have constructed little box rooms. Much like The Nutshell Studies of Unexplained Death. In fact, I've created a few of my own because I'm so inspired by. I've been so inspired by them.
ADAL: Are you getting emotional, Eric?
ERIC: I worked really hard. And Marco, the guy who runs my wine and box class said I've really been improving.
JANET: I love this. I love this for you.
ERIC: Now, unfortunately, I can't show it to you, because Mr. Rifai didn't give me a camera.
ADAL: Dr. Rifai, DDR.
ERIC: Dr. Rifai, DDR. I'm a butterfly sugar baby.
ADAL: Thank you.
ERIC: He didn't give me a camera with my podcasting setting. So I think I would have to describe it to you.
JANET: Great.
ERIC: But can you tell—you're just gonna have to tell me how the murder happened, much like the nutshell murder boss.
JANET: Ohhh, okay.
ERIC: Very good, very good. Now, each of you are going to get two questions per box. As I examine the boxes for you and show you the little pieces within it. And as soon as you ask the question, you can guess and then we'll— we'll go back and forth.
JANET: Great.
ADAL: Great.
ERIC: Alright, this is the first one.
ADAL: It was his wife. Oh, did I jumped again?
ERIC: Okay, I'm gonna have to throw this box out. There we go. Alright. Here's the real— it's actual number one. It's Christmas time in London, with snow dusting out the outer windows.
JANET: Lalalalalalala.
ADAL: Oi, kitchen newspaper. Where you doing Danny Elfman's intro to—
JANET: Anything.
ADAL: —Batman Returns?
JANET: I'm doing Danny Elfman's intro to anything. Lalalalala. Yeah.
ERIC: We look in an opulent bedroom with a tiny goose-down blanket, on a tiny four-poster bed. And a tiny posh heiress has a knife sticking out of her. In this room are little figurines of the suspects, her husband, and the staff at the mansion. They all give their alibis. Her husband was watching, the Queen's Christmas speech on TV. The cook was preparing the Christmas dinner. The Butler was helping the maid clean the dining room, and the gardener was cutting the grass in the back garden. Who did it?
JANET: The gardener did because it's winter, so there's no grass to cut.
ERIC: I didn't even have to show you anymore—
JANET: Here's the thing.
ERIC: —but you got it all right. Janet Varney, 1 point.
JANET: I'm the official fourth host of Hey Riddle Riddle. I—
ERIC: I don't know what that is.
JANET: —have become so good. I've become a little bit of a savant. Even though I'm pretty sure you have to be born a savant.
ADAL: Here's what I'll say. In my defense, the minute Eric you mentioned the word alibi, all my brain did was start singing alibi, if we made an alibi.
JANET: Alibi, oh eh, oh eh, oh, eh oh waa.
ERIC: Oh, no, I said the code word. He went back to being Barry Gordy again. He's just— he tried to figure out how to squeeze a hit out of those youngsters.
JANET: Yeah.
ERIC: Alright, here's another diorama for you. This diorama number two.
JANET: Wonderful.
ERIC: This is a diorama of a one-room cottage in a small town. And an old man is lying dead on the ground [44:23]
ADAL: Carbon monoxide.
ERIC: It was with a— from a head wound.
ADAL: No, I'm sorry. I smell carbon monoxide. Ca— let's move out of this room.
JANET: This is fun, isn't it? Keep going.
ADAL: Let's go out to the giant chess board outside, just so we get some air.
JANET: I'm sorry. I think it's ethically wrong for people to have giant chess boards. But I'm still right here.
ERIC: The diorama, one room cottage is an old man lying on the ground with a head wound. He is far side Joka day calendar reads Thursday the fifth. On the steps are two bottles of milk, Monday's newspaper, a catalog for Farside readers monthly, flyers for the local supermarket, and a stack of unopened mail. Who is the suspect and why?
ADAL: Well, I guess it would be—so that suspects I would assume if we're extrapolating information would be the milkman, the Paperboy the evening TV?
JANET: And Gary Larson.
ERIC: You can ask a question. I can show you something else in the diorama.
JANET: Shoot. Wait, hold on. Can you describe the things that are around him again?
ERIC: Sure thing. Around him are two bottles of milk. Monday's newspaper, a catalog for Farside readers monthly. Flyers for the local supermarket and a stack of unopened mail.
ADAL: I think the murderer is Gary Larson, because I remember being a child and be amped absolutely enthralled by these one panel jokes, where a cow holds up a sign in front of a truck driver. Or a hen has a giant beehive hairdo and they killed me almost literally with laughter. So I think he read one of the first like cartoons in the Monday morning paper which famously has cartoons. Kaugh so hard, he hit himself on the fireplace, poke in his cabinet and die.
ERIC: Unfortunately, no, that is not what it is. You can— you may ask me a question about something that is also in the room, and I can explain to you where to go.
ADAL: Do you want to keep your job?
ERIC: You're right, it was Gary Larson.
ADAL: Thank you so much.
ERIC: 1 point for Mr—to Dr. Rifai.
JANET: Okay. I'm really stuck on this idea of Monday, but two bottles of milk being significant in some way. Like maybe it was the milk or paper guy.
ADAL: Two bottles of milk suggest that—
JANET: That typical. Do you get two bottles of milk at a time? Or do you just get one a day? And if so it doesn't seem like they deliver on Sunday.
ADAL: If you're a magazine ad in the 90s, you get two bottles of milk at the same time. But that might suggest that the whatever was outside wasn't picked up. Oh, it must have been the milkman, because when he brought the stuff inside, he— he had killed him before the guy got his day's milk. So he brought in two days' worth of milk and put it by his bedside.
ERIC: That is not it.
ADAL: Okay.
ERIC: I'm looking at it. I made a little receipt here. And it says, every Tuesday I get two bottles of milk. Thank you, from the old man.
JANET: Okay, so it's Monday—he's got Monday's paper, but it's Tuesday.
ERIC: It's Thursday.
JANET: Oh, it's Thursday. Oh, Jesus, I'm really.
ERIC: It's Thursday the fifth?
JANET: You know why? Let me tell you what's happening to me. Instead of listening to the things I asked you to repeat. I was stuck on the idea that Gary Larson could not be the murderer because he's only guilty of Larceny.
ERIC: Wonderful. Would you like [47:11]
ADAL: A thousand points?
JANET: I would love to hear the [47:14]
ERIC: We can—we can move on. Right now, I have one threat from my boss. And that's enough to move on and stay with Gary Larson.
JANET: No, I really want to [47:22]. I know he has Monday's paper.
ERIC: Okay. He has—he has.
JANET: I know he has two bottles of milk.
ERIC: Two bottles of milk. Mondays paper of catalog for Farside readers monthly. Flyers for the local newspaper and a stack of unopened mail.
ADAL: Well, I guess I have to ask Eric, and I don't know if you mentioned this. The Farside calendar joken Day counter says Thursday, what date?
ERIC: The fifth.
ADAL: And is the Monday paper before after that Thursday? Is it the Monday before the—
ERIC: Before.
ADAL: —Monday after?
ERIC: It is before.
ADAL: Thank you so much. Well, then I've solved it all. You fool, you gave away too much information. Janet, do you want to say it?
JANET: Oh, let's say it together.
ADAL: 1,2,3.
ADAL AND JANET: The fighting geese.
ADAL: The geese killed him. [48:05]
JANET: Go, Fighting Geese! Okay, but you're— so I really feel like I'm getting a strong feeling for reasons I can't express. That you want us to ask questions about something else that might be in the one room cottage.
ERIC: What? Maybe what—what if the newspapers from Monday and now it's Thursday?
ADAL: Ohhh.
JANET: Do we see any other newspapers? Do we see Tuesday and Wednesday?
ERIC: There are no other new—there are no other newspapers.
ADAL: I think I know it. You said he has a head wound, you didn't say he was dead.
ERIC: No, that's not it.
ADAL: Okay. Well. I guess–
ERIC: You were so close. The Monday papers there, but the Tuesday and Wednesday papers aren't there.
JANET: He— his puppy did it because he used the other papers to train them puppy and then he threw away–
ERIC: Unfortu— unfortunately we have run out of time, and I want to show you all my other boxes. It was the newspaper boy because he didn't show up from Tue— he avoided the house after Tuesday and Wednesday and didn't bring the news.
JANET: Well wait, who— who flipped the calendar to show that it was Thursday then?
ADAL: Giant— giant hole. Giant hole in your box? Well, it's got to be a better way to say that.
ERIC: I want to take points away from me. Yeah, that's a good point.
ADAL: Thank you.
ERIC: That's pretty good.
ADAL: And let's get 40 extra points to Janet for having to suffering through this poorly crafted box.
JANET: I'm in heaven.
ERIC: We look at— we're looking on a suburban street with perfectly manicured lawns and houses. Pulled over on the side of the road, a man was shot to death in his car.
JANET: Werewolf.
ERIC: The windows were u— the windows were up and the doors were locked, and the interior leather is immaculately clean. There's no gunpowder here. If you take a closer look, the only bullets that is covered were in the man's chest. How was he murdered?
JANET: Okay, he's in the car?
ERIC: He's in the car.
JANET: The car is immaculate, but he has two bullets in his chest.
ERIC: Correct.
JANET: And the car is closed?
ERIC: Correct.
JANET: There's gotta be a good way to say that.
ADAL: And you were saying that the topography around the car is immaculately manicured?
ERIC: Yes. It's like it's in a beautiful— it's in a beautiful suburban home uh area.
ADAL: Then it would probably be the gardener.
JANET: Is Bourbon Street beautiful? I feel like I thought that's where you— That was like a bad part of town.
ADAL: Oh wait, you said Bourbon Street?
ERIC: I did not say Bourbon Street.
ADAL: I was gonna say Bourbon Street is the—
JANET: That's what I said Werewolf.
ADAL: Bourbon Street is the grossest street in all of America.
ERIC: I said it's a suburban street, but it's more just I had a bunch of suburban— I had a bunch of suburban—yeah.
ADAL: Understood. Are the bullets in his chest? Like was he shot?
ERIC: He was sh— he was shot. I want you to tell me how he was murdered.
JANET: So the bullets in his chest may not be— may not mean that he was shot.
ERIC: He was shot.
JANET: Oh, okay.
ERIC: But ho—how, if all the doors were— if all the doors were locked and the windows were locked?
ADAL: Here's what I think. Having owned so many Testarossas and Ferraris and Rolls Royces, [50:41] and Rolls Royces, they made one poppin' freshers on the hood. I think somebody put bullets on the engine, and then the person started their car. The engine heated up and the bullets were of course facing the driver seat. The bolts got so hot they went off. Much like Orville Redenbacher.
JANET: Through the air conditioner.
ERIC: Unfortunately, no, that's not it. No.
ADAL: Okay, then I'm out of ideas. And back to thinking of lyrics for alibi.
JANET: I want to thank you for making this into a miniature, because this is very cute, and it's a beautiful car. What a kit basher you are.
ERIC: No yeah, that was my nickname in high school.
ADAL: The boats were twins. I listen to Hey Riddle Riddle.
JANET: And one of them was evil.
ADAL: I listen to Hey Riddle Riddle and I think that would be—
JANET: One of the bullets was evil in the Twin ship. And the other one just went in to try to stop it, not realizing it was making matters worse.
ERIC: Remember, you could still ask questions about the miniature. I can describe it, to you.
ADAL: Oh, what's the point, Eric? What ki—what kind of car was it?
JANET: He's putting it in question form. Where the bullets twin?
ERIC: The bullets were not twin, no.
JANET: Okay.
ERIC: That's a good question. The car is actually it's a—like one of your fancy Testarossa that you— that you've had before.
ADAL: Okay.
JANET: It’s clo–
ADAL AND JANET: Is it convertible?
ERIC: It's a convertible.
ADAL: Same time.
ERIC: That is one to both of you, that you're going to get— I'll give you points for both. Wonderful who got the one —who got the— the Gary Larson one. Oh, I didn't get the point.
ADAL: But—but I gave Janet a thousand point for saying Gary Larceny.
ERIC: That's true. Alright. Number 4. This is the Oak and Iron and Murder. A dive bar that I made up in my head that I want to go to.
JANET: The Oak and Iron and Murder?
ADAL: And just to be clear, those are the three gifts the Wiseman gave?
ERIC: I don't know. I'm a reverse Grinches, so I don't know.
ADAL: Oh, my apologies. If your mom's a Grinch, you're a Grinch.
ERIC: Yes. But it goes through a matrilineal side. Yes. Marisa and Juliana went out for drink—
JANET: Marisa Tomei and Julianna Margulies?
ERIC: Yes. And they went out for drinks. How did you know that I go— I got their hairs correct. And they both ordered old fashions. Juliana had a hard day at work as the Chief of Staff of the corrupt mayor and finished three drinks quickly in time for Marisa to only finished one. The drinks are poisoned by the devious killer bartender, which is why Juliana was having such a hard day at work. You see since the mayor was the mayor of the city that had a killer bartender in it. But only Marisa died even though they both had poisoned drinks. How did that happen?
ADAL: Now Marisa drink it slower or faster?
ERIC: Juliana drink three in the time that Marisa drink one.
ADAL: Okay, so the— the original riddle that I've heard on Hey Riddle Riddle, which is my least favorite podcast.
ERIC: I don't listen to that, so I would not know what you're referencing.
ADAL: Well, I'm extraordinarily pissed off that someone else shares my name as I created this in a lab, a little along with Elon Musk's child's name.
ERIC: We're suing him right now.
ADAL: Thank you. Thank you.
ERIC: I told you, were suing him as we speak.
ADAL: I know that the original answer to this riddle was that the ice was poisoned. Therefore, if you drink faster you drink less of the poison ice as it melted. But it—
ERIC: That's correct.
ADAL: That is great focus.
ERIC: That's correct.
ADAL: You're very good.
ERIC: You heard it from your—from the real podcast, [53:38]
JANET: So old fashions are always on the rocks?
ERIC: Yes.
JANET: Nice.
ADAL: Call me old-fashioned.
ERIC: Well, yes. Because Jul—because Juliana drink her three. Julianna Margulies had such a hard day at work. She drank three very quickly and her ice didn't melt. While Marisa was listening to her good friend Juliana talking about her hard day's work. So her ice melt and then she died.
JANET: And—and the bartender just— he didn't have a reason, he was just killing for sport?
ERIC: Yeah, he just wanted to watch the world burn. He Jokerfied himself. That was the big problem.
JANET: I guess so because like he murdered them in his establishment before his very eyes. He's a good suspect. He's gonna make a real good suspect.
ADAL: Yeah. The first place of—the officers are going to look as who made this drink? And classically a bartender makes the drink at a bar.
JANET: Typically, yes. Typically, yes.
ERIC: Well, you can see I spent 20 hours painting a joker face on this figurine.
ADAL: Oh, interesting.
JANET: It's really good.
ADAL: I will say, I don't want to live in a world where Marisa Tomei is murdered over Julianna Margulies, but here we are.
JANET: It's a dark place.
ERIC: I—this is my final box and I've been working really hard, and I'm so glad that you are on bored of these boxes.
JANET: They're beautifully made.
ADAL: They're beautiful. Also, buddy. There's— is this a hand Turkey on top of this one?
JANET: Wow.
ERIC: It is. Happy Thanksgiving.
ADAL: Oh you made—you made my— your mom and I an ashtray? I don't smoke, but that's cute.
JANET: It can be used for other things.
ADAL: Yeah, I can put my jewelry in there.
JANET: Cigarette.
ERIC: Thank you. This is the most praise I've gotten in so long. Both in the podcast and real life. Thank you.
ADAL: Hey Eric, wake up Eric. Wake up.
ERIC: Oh, sorry. Oh my god. Sorry, I was having the most beautiful dream.
ADAL: Now open up this shitty last box.
ERIC: This is the apartment of Gerald Henderson, also known as the Gourmet Killer. Here we have Ge— we have Gerald preparing a dinner for himself, and a friend of chicken nuggets, fries, and Mountain Dew code red in big glasses. For dessert, he's cutting up an apple in half and giving one to his friend.
ADAL: Okay, all I can picture is a two-liter of Mountain Dew code red with reading glasses on it. And of course, code red is spelled R E A D.
ERIC: Yeah.
JANET: What a fun thing to try to get kids to read more, you know what they mean?
ADAL: I think that's our new mascot. Eric make that our new podcast mascot, is a two-liter of Code red in reading glasses, red spelled the way you think.
ERIC: Okay. The figure of Gerald. You can wa— see as the figure of Gerald is watching his friend eating the apple. And its friend is then dead on the ground with the apple in his mouth, while Gerald is eating the other half of the apple. How did Gerald do it?
ADAL: Razorblade in the Apple. Kids, be safe on Halloween.
JANET: Shout out to all kids everywhere. All kids?
ERIC: Unfortunately, that guess has been debunked. That's —that guess is not true.
JANET: And now something about him being the gourmet killer.
ADAL: Yeah.
JANET: That's important.
ADAL: That's— that is important.
JANET: Maybe.
ADAL: Okay, so is this like, is it— is the type of Apple imported like Golla or Fuji?
ERIC: No, I actually made it a purple apples, so you could see at painting it.
JANET: Wow!
ADAL: Papple, if you will.
JANET: Does the rest of their meal matter?
ERIC: No, but I worked really hard on it. Look, you can see this code red has glasses.
JANET: It definitely matters aesthetically, but it doesn't matter for the mystery.
ERIC: Yes. So we have the figure. We see Gerald is holding a knife and him chopping the apple in half. And he's eating one half and his friend is eating the other half. But his friend is dead, how did that happen?
ADAL: Do the other—was one of them like a vegetarian and didn't partake in the nuggets?
ERIC: No. They both ate the nuggets, the fries and the Mountain Dew Code Red.
ADAL: They ate Mountain Dew code—
ERIC: They—yeah, it was frozen. They had it as pop.
JANET: Well, there’s your problem.
ADAL: Can I have bite of your drink?
JANET: Come— I just want to pause for a second to say I am so smug that you are now answering riddles on another podcast that you're on. This is the end of your life as you know it.
ADAL: I didn't know this was gonna happen, so.
JANET: It was great.
ERIC: They’re riddle– I tried to make them as murdery as possible.
JANET: It's so good.
ERIC: So they weren't riddles.
JANET: No, I mean, I really love it. I'm not being sarcastic.
ERIC: I'm apologizing to bo— to both anals, but this one, in the one on the podcast [57:35]
JANET: Yeah. The knife was poisoned and the friend ate from the cut part of the apple. And Gerald ate from the just the— the more round part of the apple that the knife hadn't touched.
ERIC: Janet, I'm going to give it to you, that's as close as you're gonna get.
ADAL: Poison at one side of the blade?
ERIC: Yes, that's what it is. Yeah.
JANET: Okay. Okay.
ERIC: And you know, that one doesn't really make much sense. So I think you both got it, honestly.
ADAL: Give Janet another five points for that.
JANET: Thank you.
ERIC: I'll give you another five points. Wonderful. Well, those are all the boxes I had. I'm sorry, I couldn't show them to you. There was I— I use real granite and wood, and all the real materials.
ADAL: Now, Eric, you did good. Here is uh—how much does a gallon of milk cost these days?
JANET: And I want to apologize because I should have taken that for granted. And I didn't—
ERIC: There it is.
ADAL: Thank you. Take away 50 points from Janet.
JANET: Alrighty.
ERIC: So for Round Four, look in my box. I don't remember though [58:31], but we're gonna stick with it. Janet, you got two out of five of those murder boxes correct. Which scales up to 4 out of 10 points. Also, there were so many points being thrown hither and yon. I can't keep track of it. but I will give you 10 of my points because I lost 40 because of the word— the joken de calendar got ripped off and I forgot to do that because I put it there for flavor, for fun.
ADAL: And listeners, if you haven't checked out Robert Plant and Alison Krauss's new album Hither and Yon, do yourself a favor, pick it up now. Well, Janet Varney, thank you so much for stopping by.
JANET: Thank you much for having me.
ADAL: This has been almost therapeutic for me in some regard, I don't know why. But I now consider myself and Eric, my proxy do consider ourselves, janitors. Now, don't repeat that because I am a billionaire, and I wouldn't want the word out that I am doing any amount of physical labor. But we are full-blown janitors. Thank you for introducing Exotic Grinch to the world.
ERIC: Sir, Mr. Dr. Rifai, we still have one more—we still have one more thing that we have to do.
ADAL: Oh, Janet, I'm so sorry. And one more thing, Jennifer, a final bonus point. Will you answer this random trivia question about the world's most perfect film, Grease?
JANET: I think I'm good, you know, I'm just happy with–
ADAL: That makes sense. That makes sense.
ERIC: Yeah, you don't have to.
ADAL: We've kept you long, that makes sense. Well, I'll read it out loud, and as you're walking away—
JANET: I'd love to hear what it would’ve been. I'd love to hear what it would’ve been.
ADAL: Of course. Everyone remembers Grease's famous drag racing scene at Thunder Road. Thank you, Bruce Springsteen. It was actually filmed on The LA River but it wasn't that easy to film. Production was halted due to cast members becoming mildly ill due to what? And you can't— and I'm so sorry just to cut you off, you cannot say Grease-sitis or Travolta fever.
JANET: Or any other form of Dance Fever about Xanadu, etc. I'm gonna guess like sun sickness, because there was— it's like—that was before the LA River was a beautiful, lush landscape that it was today, and it was also when pollution was apt to kill you in one day if you just stayed outside long enough.
ADAL: Janet, you got it.
JANET: I did?
ADAL: Basically. It was the filthy water in the LA River. Director Randal Kleiser even caught a foot infection because of it. John Travolta reportedly administer to Scientology purchases on when the crisis [1:00:51]
JANET: Why was he step—he was stepping in the water—like he had shoes on, but he was waiting around the water. I don't get it.
ADAL: No, he was walking and jump in.
ERIC: I think they were just standing in the water for so long, and then they're just like God and everyone's bodies because it's nasty.
JANET: That is—it is so gross.
ADAL: Well and infection from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card.
JANET: It's true.
ADAL: Janet, let's look at the final scoreboard.
ERIC: Janet, This is our only our second episode. So it's kind of filled out like getting a high-score machine. So we have we 10 points. We have Pooh, for 15 points we have S. 20 points we have S again. it's like beginner twice.
JANET: Go it.
ERIC: And Janet Varney, you end up with 52.666 repeating points. You are in second place right now, behind 72 points from Matt Young who talked about toy collecting.
ADAL: Interesting. I feel like I remember giving Jenna a thousand points.
ERIC: I could not remember all of the points because I was so upset at myself for getting the calendar the wrong.
ADAL: Here's what I'll say. Eric, this will not do. Matt Young has 72, we're giving Janet 73.
ERIC: Alright.
JANET: This means a lot.
ERIC: Janet Varney you have— you are now in first place with 73.666 repeating points. Congratulations. You are the number one high score on Tell Me About It.
JANET: Thank you so much. I'm sure this isn't a sign of things to come where you feel bad about each consecutive player, and everyone will continue to get one more point than the last.
ADAL: Well, I will say Matt Young talks about Legos which are basically unspecific—
JANET: Miniatures.
ADAL: —miniatures.
JANET: Yeah.
ADAL: And yours were way more enthralling. So—
JANET: Well.
ADAL: Janet, thank you so much for coming on. Is there anything, any upcoming projects or anything that you would like to mention?
JANET: You would always listen to the podcast I do with Dante Bosco, covering all things Avatar verse. The other Adal Rifai has been on It and was one of our best guests ever. That is called Braving the Elements available wherever you get podcasts. The Jaypee Club Podcast involves me talking to people about their awkward teenage years. Weirdly, the other Adal Rifai is also done that podcast. I—some—from time to time show up on Hey Riddle Riddle. You don't have to wait for me to show up, because all the episodes I'm not on are better than the ones I'm on. So go ahead and—
ADAL: Oh, I'll wait.
JANET: —listen to the entire catalog. And I'm also on a conviction reform, prison reform criminal justice reform podcast called Truth and Justice. And we— I am very pleased to now be helping to try to get wrongfully convicted people out of prison, But that's the least important part of my job.
ADAL: [1:03:23] clearly is the most important.
JANET: Yes. You guessed it.
ADAL: Solving riddles for cats sitting on the lawn, yeah.
JANET: Humankind. Yes and cats.
ADAL: Well, Janet thank you so much. It sounds like you and Adal pretty good friends.
JANET: We're pretty tight.
ADAL: The other Adal. The other Adal.
JANET: We're pretty tight.
ADAL: I hope one day to rival that friendship. But for now, all I can offer is money in this game show. Thank you, Janet Varney. Thank you, Eric. My Butler. That's all for this episode of Tell Me About It. Tune in next week for more Exotic Grinches, instant wonks, and talk about Baltimore. Sing us out, Eric.
ERIC: Goodbye, me! Da rat, dat, da rat da.
ADAL: Oh, jeh, oh, eh, eh, oh, oh.
JANET: Oh, jeh, oh, eh, eh, oh, oh.
ERIC: Jungle boy. Jungle boy.
[end]
Transcriptionist: KA
Editor: KM