Dr. Moiya McTier Loves Exoplanets!
Dr. Moiya McTier (Pale Blue Pod, Exolore, The Milky Way) is here to prove that the planets outside the Solar System are more interesting than the movie musical Grease. You might say this topic is… out of this world.
Find Us Online
- website: tmaipod.com
- patreon: patreon.com/TMAIpod
- twitter: twitter.com/tmaipod
- instagram: instagram.com/tmaipod
Cast & Crew
- Hosts: Adal Rifai & Eric Silver
- Producer: Eric Silver
- Editor: Mischa Stanton
- Created by: Eric Silver & Mischa Stanton
- Theme Song: Arne Parrott
- Artwork: Shae McMullin
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Tell Me About It is a madcap game show about proving that the things you like are actually interesting and cool. Adal Rifai is an eccentric billionaire who forces someone new every episode to share, argue, and defend the thing they love the most. He’s wrangled his audio butler Eric to lead the contestant through a series of absurd challenges and games, all to gain points and get on the Most Interesting Thing High Score Board. Tell Me About It: the most fun podcast run by a multibillionaire. New episodes every other Thursday.
Transcript
[theme song]
ADAL: It's Tell Me About It! Welcome to Tell Me About It, a game show about proving the things you love are actually interesting and fun. I am Adal Rifai, local eccentric multibillionaire and the biggest fan of the movie Grease. I built a barber shop, hired someone to create an apprenticeship program, enrolled in it, then stopped going. Purely so I could be a beauty school dropout. Though I am not doing this by myself - please welcome my butler, which of course stands for— it’s a portmanteau of ‘butler’ and ‘pervert’. And the person I know who is most like Pluto, Eric Silver.
ERIC: I appreciate that. I thought you were gonna go with ‘butt’ and ‘butler’ but—
ADAL: Oh, yeah.
ERIC: You truly showed my full range of being both a butler and a pervert. Go— beautiful portmanteau, sir.
ADAL: And more people should make portmanteaus out of the middle letters of words.
ERIC: Yes.
ADAL: Just to make it a little more palatable.
ERIC: Yeah. So everyone knows how smart you are, make sure to smoosh the— the two words together in the middle. It's like taking— if you're making a sandwich and instead of bread, you just use more meat, so you just had a full hand of meat that you were putting in your mouth.
ADAL: Great, now I'm hungry. Eric, please bring me my $100,000 Lunchables.
ERIC: Okay, hold on, here we go. I have to put this key in it.
ADAL: Okay, yes.
ERIC: There you go - open it up for you.
ADAL: There's some otter slices here. What else do we have? Some narwhal blubber.
ERIC: That's true. You can ge— you also have the horns, for you to stab the strawberries so you don't get them on your hands.
ADAL: Of course, of course.
ERIC: There you go.
ADAL: It's nice to be rich.
ERIC: That's what you tell me every single day, as soon as my eyes open up.
ADAL: And Eric, as the song goes, make new friends but keep the old. One is Eric Silver, and the other is gold. Can we please get to the gold friend that we have somewhere in this manse?
ERIC: It's stashed out here and she is right outside of this door. Introducing our next guest here for Tell Me About It, Dr. Moiya McTier is an astrophysicist who studies planets outside of our solar system. She is also a folklorist who specializes in using science and logic to build fictional worlds. You can hear all about that on her podcast Exolore and in her book Milky Way. Please welcome Dr. Moiya McTier.
DR. MOIYA: Hello, welcome… to your mansion. Thank you for welcoming, too.
ADAL: Wow, what the fuck?
ERIC: You jus— I'm sorry, that's my responsibility to say welcome to you, hold on. Welcome to Adal Rifai's mansion. It's very nice to meet you.
ADAL: Hold on Eric, hold on Eric. Can I say, that felt fucking amazing. I've never had—I've never had a guest over who welcomed me to my own home. And you ge—you know what, I love it.
DR. MOIYA: Y— I feel like everyone should get to be welcomed to their own home every once in a while.
ADAL: It's a rare thing to have happen. And I feel like yeah, I'll take it where I can get it. That was outstanding. Thank you, Dr. Moiya.
DR. MOIYA: You're welcome. I'm so glad I could give you that new experience.
ERIC: It's incredible. I—you even opened the door, you opened the door for us into this own— own place. It's like you owned the place just for a second.
DR. MOIYA: I like to think that as a doctor of the universe, I own at least everything for a little bit.
ERIC: Damn. Shit.
ADAL: Okay, now I'm getting scared.
ERIC: Yeah. We don't like that.
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: It's— the whole point of this entire endeavor is that Mr. Rifai owns as much as possible. If you— if you own the atoms within the thing, I don't know if that counts for you know, the thing as large? I don't know. Can you own parts of it just for a second, the matter in between? It scares me.
DR. MOIYA: I don't know if the law has caught up to this yet. They—they haven't established those copyright or ownership rules.
ADAL: Eric, while we're doing the game show today, can you go ahead and freeze my assets just in case?
ERIC: Yes, absolutely.
ADAL: Just because now I'm afraid that everything is owned by everyone all at once.
ERIC: That's fine. Uh, is it okay, if I move the ice cream over to make room for your assets?
ADAL: Hmm. Yeah, go ahead.
ERIC: Okay. Ben and— Ben and Jerry, please get out of the way. And then place your assets in there.
ADAL: Thank you.
ERIC: Close the door.
ADAL: I had them make me a special private batch.
ERIC: Oh, what's it called?
ADAL: It's called Ben or Jerry's.
ERIC: Oh Ben–
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: You could divide it, you could figure out which one it is. You can tell that— which name had their hands on it. Yeah.
ADAL: Pretty sweet. Dr. Moiya?
DR. MOIYA: Yes?
ADAL: DMM, if I may? May I?
DR. MOIYA: Yes, please. Please do.
ADAL: Dr. Moiya, you are currently residing— I mean, not currently, but before you were flown here on a private boat, you— that flies. You reside in New York City, is that correct?
DR. MOIYA: Usually yes, when I'm not meeting multibillionaires in their isolated mansions.
ADAL: Thank you for noticing it's isolated. And would you say that New York is a concrete jungle where dreams are made of?
DR. MOIYA: Definitely a concrete jungle. I am still trying to find my dreams. I've heard tale of—
ADAL: Yes.
DR. MOIYA: —other people who have found theirs.
ADAL: And what is your dream?
DR. MOIYA: I am going to make people forget that Bill Nye ever existed by being the best science communicator in the world!
ADAL: Wow.
EIRC: Damn.
DR. MOIYA: Was that too much?
ADAL: That's—I mean, most people I would think would start with Beakman, but you went straight to Bill Nye.
DR. MOIYA: Yeah, gotta shoot for the stars.
ADAL: Remember Beakman's World?
DR. MOIYA: No, I didn't have TV growing up, that's why I'm a doctor now.
ADAL: I want to say he had a guy who was a psychic, who was a giant lab rat. I can't remember.
ERIC: You know, I can't distinguish between your memories and things that you're telling me are real, so that you can like Truman Show me. It's truly one and the same.
ADAL: Yeah, it's hard to recall because I had my own TV network here in my own mansion, on this island.
DR. MOIYA: Naturally.
ADAL: And I would fly in actors. I would fly in script supervisors, producers, prop artists, everything. And I'd make my own TV shows. And it was a— it was a fail— it was a failure. I'll say it. It was a failure.
ERIC: It was fun having Mariska Hargitay walking around here one day.
ADAL: Yes, and her dogs.
ERIC: Ohh, that was nice.
ADAL: So nice.
DR. MOIYA: But didn't you miss the twist endings? If you were in charge of everything, you knew how everything was going to happen.
ADAL: Now you know why it was a failure. I would then watch the programs that I helped develop and wouldn't you know it, I saw everything coming. Just the worst.
ERIC: That's fair.
ADAL: Well, speaking of seeing everything coming, Dr. Moiya you know all about the universe and its inner workings. And it seems today you're going to be telling us about something called exoplanets. Now, exoplanets from where I stand, that's when you pay enough money to a planet and they send you an ‘XOXO, love, and kisses and hugs,’ and you get to go on a date with a planet. Famously, I went on a date with Jupiter. I came back more stupider. That's where the phrase comes from.
DR. MOIYA: Thank you for telling me that etymology.
ADAL: Is that what exoplanets are? Hugs and kisses planets?
DR. MOIYA: Um—I—just hugs because they have so much gravity that they can destroy you with their weight. Uh, no.
ADAL: Wow, so they're toxic.
ERIC: Wow.
DR. MOIYA: They can be. You don't know what's in those atmospheres.
ADAL: Yeah.
DR. MOIYA: Especially Jupiter. I'm surprised you don't know from your personal experience how toxic an exoplanet can be.
ADAL: Yeah, I don't—I don't want this to get out. I don't want to be rude or speak poorly of someone, but Jupiter was kind of a gaseous giant.
ERIC: Wow.
ADAL: Yeah.
ERIC: Wow.
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: I'm going to write that on the secret newsletter that I have, it's called XOXO, Gossip Planet.
ADAL: Oh, Eric, please don't.
ERIC: Well, I'm not Gossip Planet, I don't know who it is. So I can't stop it.
ADAL: Well, Eric, speaking of Gossip Planet, why don't you take us to Round 1?
ERIC: Absolutely. Round One. Dr. Moiya McTier, you are now in the Tell Me About It zone. This is Round One, Just Tell Me About It. I have 10 foundational points about exoplanets that I synthesized from NASA's website all about exoplanets.
DR. MOIYA: Okay.
ERIC: Because I'll tell you, the stuff on Wikipedia was incomprehensible to me.
DR. MOIYA: Yeah, good luck with that.
ERIC: I'm going to set a timer for five minutes. You're going to give us an overview of your topic. You will get points as you address each bullet, especially if you make them sound interesting and cool. And as always, Mr. Adal Rifai has the ability to give bonus points, as is his want.
ADAL: Call me Doctor today, just because I don't want to be jealous.
ERIC: That's true. Dr. Mr. Adal Rifai, DDS. And five minutes starts now.
[Background music begins]
DR. MOIYA: If you've never heard of an exoplanet before, I am here to blow your mind and change your world. Because an exoplanet is a planet outside of our solar system. It comes from ‘extrasolar planet,’ meaning a planet that orbits a star that is not our Sun. NASA astronomers or astronomers all over the world have found roughly 5000 exoplanets, that's what our catalog is full of. But we also have thousands of other planet candidates that are still actively waiting to be confirmed, or denied, as exoplanets. The first exoplanet ever found was discovered in 1992. The people who found it won a Nobel Prize for physics, which is pretty cool. But that planet wasn't around what we call a main sequence star, which is a star that's actively fusing hydrogen into helium in its core. It was instead around a pulsar, which astronomers I guess like to neglect. It is the redheaded stepchild of the star world. The next exoplanet, that was actually around a main sequence star like our sun, was found in 1995, which is the year I was born. So I like to say that I have never lived in a world that didn't know about exoplanets. Makes me feel really good, and it makes old people feel worse when I talk about it in my presentations.
ERIC: Well, you just need to inject some sadness into your— into your science without looking at the terrible maw of space?
DR. MOIYA: Yeah, yeah, because I want them to—to feel existential dread on so many different levels.
ERIC: Thank you.
DR. MOIYA: When they hear about my science.
ERIC: Appreciated, yeah, that's smart.
DR. MOIYA: There are a few different ways that you can find exoplanets. By far the most successful way is a method called Transit Photometry, which the Kepler Spacecraft was known to do. To use this method, you essentially take a light bucket of a telescope, you point it at a patch of sky, and measure how much light you're getting from that patch over time. If a planet were to pass in front of a star, it would block some of the light and you'd be able to measure that dip in brightness, and learn some stuff about the planet. Like how far away it is, from its star; what its average temperature should be; how long it takes to go around the star in its orbit. So that's Transit Photometry. The next most successful one is Radial Velocity, where you're measuring the gravitational tug from the planet on its star. You're essentially watching the host star wobble or dance a little bit as everything orbits each other. Then you can just directly image an exoplanet, which is really difficult to do. You would need some sort of instrument like a coronagraph to block out the light from that planet’s star. Because planets don't give off a lot of their own light. Unless they're really hot. And even then, infrared light is kind of difficult to see. And then you can— there are a few other methods—
ERIC: But these— they're like kajillion miles away, right?
DR. MOIYA: Oh, yes. Well, the—the nearest star to us is four and a half light years away.
ADAL: Just like my dad.
ERIC: Damn.
ADAL: Sorry, sorry uh—
DR. MOIYA: Wow.
ADAL: —Eric, please, bring me my tissues.
ERIC: Okay, here—here are your tissues, they're gold, they're beautiful. Here we go.
ADAL: Thank you.
DR. MOIYA: It's okay. There are plenty of exoplanets with daddy issues, too. Yeah, so the nearest star is four and a half light years away, which means the nearest planet would be that far away. We think on average, there's about one planet per star in the Milky Way galaxy. So if there are hundreds of billions of stars out there, there should also be hundreds of billions of planets in our galaxy alone. We have never sent anything to an exoplanet. And we probably won't—
ADAL: Rude.
DR. MOIYA: —anytime soon.
ADAL: We've never welcomed— no housewarming gifts or anything?
DR. MOIYA: Well, no, but they also haven't given us any. So —
ADAL: Okay.
DR. MOIYA: —we're just returning the rude favor.
ERIC: Ahh, just like my dad.
ADAL: No tit, for no tat.
ERIC: Yeah, exactly.
ADAL: Now, Dr. Moiya I understood the word orbits.
DR. MOIYA: Okay, good.
ADAL: And I understood the phrase, ‘redheaded stepchild.’ Congratulations on everything else in between.
DR. MOIYA: Thanks. Thanks. You just told me I did my job terribly, but that's fine.
ADAL: No, no, no, you did your job incredibly well. Too well, one might say.
ERIC: Okay, so like, why are we looking for them? Just because we need to know how that space is bigger? Or because we're fascinated and that’s what humans do? Like, are we trying to elicit aliens? Why are we looking for them in the first place?
DR. MOIYA: Look, man, every scientist has their own reason to do the research they do. Some people who study exoplanets are really excited about finding aliens. Some people are really excited about learning more about the possible population of exoplanets. We can look at the planets in our own solar system and see how diverse they are. But it's even more incredibly diverse when you start considering the hundreds of thousands of exoplanets that are in our local neighborhood of the galaxy. So we can look at those to learn about planet formation, planet evolution, the evolution of solar systems as a whole. There's just a lot that we can learn about our past, and our potential future by studying exoplanets.
[Background music ends]
ERIC: Hell yeah. And that's time.
DR. MOIYA: Yes!
ADAL: If we were to cut into an exoplanet, would we see an exoskeleton?
DR. MOIYA: If it was an iron and calcium-based cored planet.
ADAL: Touche, Dr. Moiya. Touche.
ERIC: Dr. Moiya McTier, can you answer that again, and respond to the pun that Dr. Rifai laid out for you? I think it's really important if we can just do that one more time. That'd be really important.
DR. MOIYA: Oh, you—so you're—you're just a billionaire who needs me to tell you when your jokes are funny?
ADAL: Is that so crazy? Lock the doors, everyone. [Door creaks, slams.] Someone doesn't want to give me validation.
ERIC: I was trying to do it quietly without him hearing me, no! Alright, we're looking at the scores here. Dr. Moiya McTier, as a communicator of science, you did pretty well for a very heady topic that you chose. I had a lot on the different ways to detect exoplanets. You hit both the one about the light, the —the planet going in front of it to get light, plus the wobble method was explicitly in here.
DR. MOIYA: Good.
ERIC: As was Proxima Centauri being four light years away. You hit quite a number of it. I did want to hear more about the different types of exoplanets that are out there, like what they're filled with and if one does have an exoskeleton, as Dr. Rafai said.
ADAL: Thank you.
DR. MOIYA: Yeah, little claps for that excellent joke.
ERIC: It was wonderful, it was incredible. And also I really was hoping you’d talk about the Goldilocks Zone—
DR. MOIYA: Ooooh.
ERIC: —as we are looking out for planets.
DR. MOIYA: Well, because you don't have to be an exoplanet to have a Goldilocks Zone. Our sun has a Goldilocks Zone, too.
ERIC: Well, can you explain what that is, please?
DR. MOIYA: I would love to explain that. The Goldilocks Zone or the Circumstellar Habitable Zone, if you went to a fancy college, is the place around a star where the temperature is just right to host liquid water on the surface of a planet. If you were any closer to the star, then all the water would boil away. And if you were any further then the water would freeze. And that depends on essentially how massive and how bright and hot and powerful the star is, and how far away the planet is from it. So in our solar system, Earth is in the habitable zone, in a system with a much cooler star, the habitable zone would be closer in.
ERIC: And that hopefully will have, like, life on it?
DR. MOIYA: Maybe I—like to be very careful when I'm talking about habitability of planets, because usually astronomers, when they say something is habitable, all they mean is that it's the right distance from its star. So they're assuming it could have water. They don't know anything about the internal mechanisms of the planet. They don't know anything about its atmosphere or its surface features. They don't know if it has water to begin with. They're just saying, yeah, the temperature’s right. So they may or may not host life, and that life may or may not look anything like us. But also you could have life outside of the habitable zone, because we see examples of extremophiles here on Earth. Tardigrades and other little bacteria, and like sharks who live in lava tubes. These beings who—
ADAL: What?
DR. MOIYA: —yeah, live in these—
ADAL: Eric, take note, buy me these sharks.
ERIC: Alright, I'm on Amazon and Wish for lava tube sharks. Hold on.
ADAL: Thank you. Now Dr. Moiya, you mentioned cool stars. Is that in the vein of Jon Hamm, or like Tom Sizemore? Cool as in hip, or cool as in don't approach them?
DR. MOIYA: Actually, cool as in yeah, you probably should approach them. They are less hot than our sun and are less likely to burn you the closer you get.
ADAL: Oohh, less hot than our sun - burn!
ERIC: Damn, got ‘em.
DR. MOIYA: I—I also do think that the cooler stars, I think they're the most—some of the most interesting. Because the cooler stars are the most common stars in our galaxy. When you look out at the night sky with your naked human eyes, all of the stars you can see are about the same mass as our Sun or heavier than. So they're as hot as our Sun, or hotter or brighter. But 70% of the stars in our galaxy are much cooler and dimmer than the sun. And we can't see any of those. So you're seeing the, like the weird stars when you look up at the night sky.
ADAL: Wow. You sound like a couple I met the other night who said ‘nothing's hotter than our son.’ They're very bougie parents. Not that— I mean, not in like a weird—not in like an edible way but like in a—
DR. MOIYA: No pedo though. No—
ADAL: No pedo, thank you.
DR. MOIYA: No pedo.
ADAL: They—yes. Thank you so much. Can I— do Ursula Major and Ursula Minor reside in the Goldilocks Zone?
DR. MOIYA: Um - I do not know how to answer that question, other than to tell you that it makes zero sense.
ADAL: Okay, I thought— Eric, can you come here for a second?
ERIC: Yes, absolutely.
ADAL: You told me Ursula Major and Ursula Minor were bear constellations
ERIC: No, that's from The Little Mermaid. I said, Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.
ADAL: God damn it. Okay, Dr. Moiya, I'm so sorry. My assistant and I have had a little bit of a communication breakdown, Led Zeppelin.
DR. MOIYA: I understand, it's hard to find good help.
ERIC: So sorry that we have done this to you again. We were just rehearsing. You said that you were going to be the Ursula Major, and that you would get the lead role as Ursula in the Disney Channel Live Little Mermaid and I would be your—
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: —understudy as Ursula Minor.
ADAL: That's right. Uh—and there are—there is no flotsam and jetsam, because eels are disgusting. Would you agree, Dr. Moiya, eels are disgusting?
DR. MOIYA: Yeah, they're slimy.
ADAL: Now Dr. Moiya, I do have to ask because I am a multibillionaire, and I know the technology exists. You know in The Matrix when Keanu Reeves just has like kung fu uploaded to his brain, and he knows it. Did you do that with everything, with all knowledge?
DR. MOIYA: I did, except instead of a like 30-second procedure with a really sharp long needle in my brainstem, it was drawn out over 10 years. And the only needles involved were from the stress tattoos that I had to get to keep myself sane.
ADAL: Okay, interesting. Wow. Okay, because I'm go— I was gonna say, you know more than maybe anyone I've ever met.
DR. MOIYA: Well thank you. I don't think that's true. But I'm—I will take that right now in this moment.
ERIC: They only use the big needles at Princeton, not at Harvard.
DR. MOIYA: No, at Harvard, we're more sophisticated, and we figured out how to use smaller needles.
ERIC: It's true in— at Oxford, they just use needles that have crowns on them for the queen.
ADAL: Burn.
ERIC: I go—got ‘em. Alright, well, I want to say for round one, Moiya you scored six points. You made 6 out of the 10 formative points.
DR. MOIYA: I'll take that.
ADAL: And I'll give you a bonus 6 points because I'm wildly impressed. And I would like to buy your brain at some point. If it's for sale.
DR. MOIYA: Actually, I promised my brain to one of my middle school friends, Cassie. If I die before she does, she does get to study my brain to see how wrinkly it is.
ADAL: Eric and I have something like that where if we're both not married by 50, I get to eat his brain.
ERIC: Yeah. But you—you said you would freeze me first, which was nice of you.
ADAL: Yes. Wink, wink, wink.
DR. MOIYA: Yes.
ERIC: Well, what is this ice cream pie that says, Eric's brain?
ADAL: Oh, that's a Ben or Jerry.
ERIC: Oh, Ben made that one.
ADAL: Yes, that's a Ben.
ERIC: Yeah.
ADAL: Ben original.
ERIC: Alright, that's 6 points + 6 points, it brings you up to 12 points, Dr. Moiya McTier.
ADAL: Good job. Wow. Super impressive—
DR. MOIYA: I love points.
ADAL: —after Dr. Moiya for you to add 6 + 6. Dipshit.
ERIC: Yeah, there were little calculations I left out, sorry. We're going to Round Two, The Perfect Thing. Dr. Moiya McTier, what is the perfect encapsulation of exoplanets? If someone asked you, ‘well, what's an example of this thing you love th— so much and you know so much about?’ What would you say? What is the perfect example of an exoplanet?
DR. MOIYA: I will have to point you towards a whole system of exoplanets. Because it was one of the splashiest systems that we have discovered, called TRAPPIST-1. Named after a telescope that was named after the monks that made a lot of beer.
ERIC: Hell yeah.
DR. MOIYA: The Trappist Monks. And this system is a system of seven exoplanets, all of which orbit a star much less massive than our Sun. It's— it's closer to like 10% the size of our Sun. And four of these seven planets are in the habitable zone that we've calculated for this star. So I think it's a really beautiful example of an exoplanet system because it shows how you can have a lot of planets around one star, it shows that you can have them around a different type of star than our Sun, and it shows that you can have so many planets in a habitable zone. And I just love thinking about if there were life in that system, and it did evolve to the point of intelligence, to the point where they could travel through space - imagine the really cool interplanetary trade system they could have with all the— all the worlds in the habitable zone like that's— that sounds awesome. So TRAPPIST-1 is the best one.
ADAL: That sounds incredible. You know, I've been searching for— toiling over, trying to fund a new expedition to find a new vehicle for pretzels. I feel like pretzels really stalled out. You either get them in twists or sticks. Am I wrong?
DR. MOIYA: You're not wrong.
ERIC: Oh, true.
DR. MOIYA: Maybe— maybe a nugget if you like get a soft pretzel nugget—
ADAL: Oh, yeah.
DR. MOIYA: — at a movie theater.
ADAL: Oh, that's— Yes.
ERIC: If you're a Philistine.
DR. MOIYA: Which I am.
ERIC: That's what I was raised— for raised up. Pretzels are only one of two things.
ADAL: I also funded an expedition to try and figure out what happened to Butterfinger BBs. The most chokable of candies. Anyway, Dr. Moiya, that was beautiful. That we— a— for—for a bonus point or two, would you mind describing your perfect date with an exoplanet?
DR. MOIYA: Yes. I would like to go on a slingshot date with—
ADAL: Ooooh!
DR. MOIYA: —with a few exoplanets. When it comes to exoplanets, I'm choosing to be polyamorous and not limit myself to just one. So I will take a swing around Jupiter, we’ll have a great time, we'll go dancing. Jupiter will swing me around using its gravity and slingshot me to another star system. Perhaps Proxima, where I will get to meet another exoplanet - hopefully one that's not as gassy.
ADAL: Thank you.
DR. MOIYA: I'm looking for a rocky planet to be my soulmate, and together we'll just enjoy watching the two suns of the Proxima system set in the evening.
ADAL: Wow. So there are two suns somewhere. George Lucas didn't invent that.
DR. MOIYA: Yeah, there's Proxima A and Proxima B or—actually I think I might be getting Proxima Centauri and Alpha Centauri confused. But there—there are— it's really common for stars to exist in binary pairs.
ADAL: Gotcha. Eric, please press the button to fill up George Lucas's room with water.
ERIC: Yes, absolutely.
ADAL: Thank you. Sorry. he's staying with me right now, and he's full of shit it turns out, that's upsetting.
ERIC: Oh, sorry that's the one with the trash compactor. Hold on. No, that's the one that puts Episode One on, hold on.
ADAL: Well, all of these are punishment.
ERIC: And that's the one that says ‘this is pod racing,’ hold on. Jeez, hold on.
ADAL: Dr. Moiya, did you know that maybe two years ago I paid for a surgery - Eric performed it - to turn my body into a Sebulba body? Where I walked on my hands and I had little dangly legs, almost as arms.
DR. MOIYA: Was that fun?
ADAL: No.
DR. MOIYA: Oh.
ADAL: It was absolute hell.
DR. MOIYA: Is that why you've had the surgery to turn you back? Because I'm looking at you now, you don't seem like you walk on—on your arms and have little spindly legs.
ADAL: Thank you for noticing.
DR. MOIYA: You’re welcome.
ADAL: I have been de-Sebulba’d. An incredibly costly surgery.
DR. MOIYA: Well, it's just a drop in the bucket for you.
ADAL: True, very true. But I will not play God anymore. For now, for now.
DR. MOIYA: For now.
ERIC: Yeah. Instead you in— as penance, you've made me read that management strategies book by Jabba the Hutt.
ADAL: How many points does Dr. Moiya have?
ERIC: She ha- currently has 12. It is up to you to score how beautiful and wonderful her perfect thing is.
ADAL: She currently has 12. What's the—oh boy. Do we have a max amount for this round? If she's at 12.
ERIC: Uh, she— uh, 10. 10-ish.
ADAL: 10-ish, okay. Give her 20.
ERIC: Okay.
ADAL: And subtract 10.
ERIC: Alright.
DR. MOIYA: Keep me humble, I like it.
ADAL: But just know, you deserve 20. But my assistant said 10 is the ceiling, so—
ERIC: I said—I said ish, you can ish one way or another. You can push a little bit of it.
ADAL: Add—subtract 10 more.
ERIC: Okay.
ADAL: Add 20.
ERIC: Alright, wonderful. Good. Okay uh—
DR. MOIYA: And be sure to show your work, Eric.
ERIC: I will.
ADAL: And add 1 for her patience.
ERIC: Now I have to do all this addition to show Dr. Moiya that I'm really smart. And now we're up to 33 points.
ADAL: Ooh, my favorite number.
[theme]
ERIC: Hey, it's Eric, and I'm hiding out here in the butler's pantry, where no one can tell me what to do. And I'm talking directly to you, the podcast listener. Hello, this is my mop wife, Amanda. She's a mop and she cleans up spills. I love her deeply. I put googly eyes and lipstick on her and she's beautiful. I would love it if you kept telling people about the show. We are a growing podcast and the best way to tell people about a show that you love is for you to talk to them. But you can also, like, talk to us at our social media. You can hit us up anywhere @tmaipod. Whether that's on Twitter or Instagram. Please tell us about who you want to see come on the show, that would be wonderful. So that I don't just need to keep making it up and, like, hope that they'll come and send little paper planes through the air. I don't want to always do that. I would love your suggestions. And I'm sure they would love to come on to this incredibly unhinged podcast, which I hope everyone is enjoying. I know for a fact that Adal and I are having a blast because he told me, so it must be the case. We also have a Patreon which a lot of you know about, at patreon.com/tmaipod, where you can be a junior audio butler, and get your little broom hung up here in the pantry. So many of you have joined up since I last talked about this. JT Justman, Rob Roberts, Polly Burrage, Lau, Amy Holloway, Kate, Max Aronson, Peyton, Jordan de Majoris, and Daniel Marino, you're all incredible, and I love that you're gonna help me just clean up this place with your little brooms. But I also want to shout out our billionaires tier. If you're another multibillionaire, at this tier, you can get a private call with Adal and I, where you can defend your favorite thing and see how it compares to Grease. Think of this as a custom episode starring you. We can only have 10 other billionaires. It's a very exclusive class. But if you would like to get that call on the books, and to tell us about how you're feeling, please hop up there, join up, become a billionaire or a junior custodian, and support a new show. I think it'll be nice. It'll be great. Tell Me About it is a part of the Multitude Podcast Collective. I think you’d really like one of our other shows, like Join the Party. Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh every week. DM Eric - that's me - and the emphatic players, Amanda, Brandon, and Julia, welcome everyone to the table, from longtime tabletop RPG players to folks who've never touched a role-playing game before. You’ve got to hop into our newest campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant and bug folk, or marathon our completed stories: The Camp-Paign, a Monster the Week game set in a weird and wild summer camp; Campaign Two for a modern superhero story; and Campaign One for a high fantasy game. And once a month, we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. So what are you waiting for? Join the party! Search for Join the Party in your podcast app or go to jointhepartypod.com. And now, back to the show.
[theme]
ERIC: Alright, we are on Round Three, the question and answer portion. Doo, doo, doo, doo doo. I decided to put some dramatic music to demonstrate its init— to the—
ADAL: Huh, it kind of sucked.
ERIC: Okay, can I try again?
ADAL: Yeah, it just sounded like you saying ‘doo doo doo doo.’
ERIC: Okay. This is the question and answer portion. [Dramatic sting.] Wow, that sounded so good.
ADAL: Wow.
ERIC: That's the one I had the whole time.
ADAL: Was that a theremin in there?
DR. MOIYA: You're so talented.
ERIC: It was a theremin, I've been—you taught me to—when you were in your Jabba the Hutt phase, you told me to learn the theremin.
ADAL: Mm-hmm. That's right, that's right.
ERIC: Yeah. And I had to wear one of those collars around you— as I jumped around the Sarlacc pit. This is the question-and-answer portion. We have some follow-up questions for you, Moiya, and they will be the ‘gotcha’ questions that Anderson Cooper built his journalistic career around when he wasn't getting drunk at New Year's with Andy Cohen. Please answer as many as possible, as Dr. Rifai gives them to you.
DR. MOIYA: Alright. I'm ready to get got.
ADAL: Here's one of the questions I want to ask you Dr. Moiya, are you ready?
DR. MOIYA: I'm so ready. I wasn't born ready, though - this took time.
ADAL: Oh! Give her a point for honesty.
ERIC: That's fair. That's fair, up to 34 points.
ADAL: Do you believe in aliens? And if so, how do you think they'll feel about all the long-distance pictures we've been taking of their planets?
DR. MOIYA: Ooh, yes. I do believe in aliens, although we haven't seen any scientific evidence of extraterrestrial life. But like I said before, there are hundreds of billions of planets in our galaxy alone. And if we are the only one that holds life, then statistics suck. And like I just don't want to live in a universe where statistics are that meaningless. And how would they feel about us taking pictures of their planets? We don't have pictures of most of their planets. So the ones that we do have actual pictures of that we have directly imaged are mostly gas giants, like Jupiters, that orbit very close to their stars. Which means, if there is life on those gas-giant planets, they're probably like floaty three-dimensional things. They might even be translucent. I'm like just basing this off a lot of marine life here on Earth. So I want to think that they would want people to look at them. That they would be very happy that we're taking a picture of their planet because they usually don't get to be seen.
ADAL: Ooh, I like that. Make sure they're seen. Uh and um, just a—
DR. MOIYA: Yeah.
ADAL: —follow-up question. This is of my own doing, this isn't necessarily for any points. Here on Earth, the top baby names are I don't know, fucking like Levi, or Cyrus, or Hunter, or Skyler. What do we think some of the top alien baby names might be?
DR. MOIYA: Ooh, Sklorgar, I think is probably pretty popular.
ERIC: That's a good one. How do you spell that? How many Y's is in that?
DR. MOIYA: There's just one Y, but it's at the end and it's silent.
ERIC: Got it, got it.
DR. MOIYA: S K L O R G A R Y.
ADAL: Sklorgary.
DR. MOIYA: Skolrgary. Mm-hmm
ADAL: [as a chant] S K L O R bla, bla, bla.
ERIC: [chanting] Let's go!
DR. MOIYA: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the most popular alien baby name right now.
ADAL: Yeah, it's a good name. It just kind of sits in your chest, almost like lays eggs, just kind of yeah, I like that. Beautiful name. Beautiful name.
DR. MOIYA: You know, coincidentally that is how the race from which Sklorgary the name comes, reproduces. They have—
ADAL: Ohh.
DR. MOIYA: —they lay their eggs in a host body and then—
ADAL: Oh, no.
DR. MOIYA: —they incubate there in the external host. Yeah, that's— it's the cycle of life, it's beautiful.
ADAL: Oh boy. I once had the lead singer of Incubus sleep inside my chest. But this is something completely different. Eric, please have a doctor flown in to check out my chest cavity.
ERIC: Absolutely. Would you like the space doctor or the regular doctor?
ADAL: Feels like this calls for a space doctor, wouldn't you think?
ERIC: Yeah, they're on their way.
ADAL: Perfect. Thank you so much. As we're waiting for the space doctor, Dr. Moiya, question number two: What, the planets in our solar system aren’t good enough for you?
DR. MOIYA: Dr. Rifai, have you seen Legally Blonde?
ADAL: I've seen Legally Blonde 2.
DR. MOIYA: Oh, no. Well, you should absolutely watch Legally Blonde. I'm going to describe a scene to you.
ADAL: Okay.
DR. MOIYA: There's a moment where Elle is in one of her first law school classes, and she's asked a question like would you rather have this client or this client? And then there's a mean woman who says something rude to her and Elle fires back, ‘oh, actually, I'd rather have the more difficult client because I like a challenge.’ People who study exoplanets over planets in our solar system, we're just like Elle, we like the challenge. Because it's really easy to study planets in our solar system. They're right there, we can literally send a telescope to those worlds. We can't send a telescope to collect a sample from an exoplanet. So yeah, we're just—we're just the boss bitches of the planet-studying world.
ADAL: I love it. And I love— I just am now noticing your fierce little dog and your pink outfit.
DR. MOIYA: Yes. Because I am the Elle Woods of astronomy. And this is—this is Bruiser, who has discovered, on his own, 10 exoplanets.
ADAL: Ooh, I like that name. Extra point for Bruiser, because it reminds me of that line, “you're cruisin’ for a bruisin’.” From, of course, Grease.
ERIC: Of course.
ADAL: And also Dr. Moiya, I want to apologize - I actually have not seen Legally Blonde 2. What I was thinking of was a TV show I created called Beagley Blonde, which is where we hand-dipped beagles into hair dye to make them full blondes.
ERIC: It was a rea— it was a reality competition show.
DR. MOIYA: But what happens on the deserted mansion island, stays on the deserted mansion island.
ADAL: Exactly. Thank you so much. Dr. Moiya, final question for Round Three. We're usually looking for the Goldilocks Zone or planets that are not too hot or not too cold for human life to survive. Are we looking for Earth-like planets, so billionaires like me - and others - can find another planet to ruin? Like Goldilocks stumbling into someone else's home, eating their food, and sleeping in their beds.
DR. MOIYA: Yes. Yes, we are.
ADAL: And do you have any leads? Just poin— just point— point in a direction.
DR. MOIYA: I'll tell you off the record, because I don't want you to get scooped when you're figuring out which planet to go to, to extract your super valuable rare minerals and resources.
ADAL: Off the record? Scooped? Are you a 1920s reporter?
DR. MOIYA: Yes. Yes, that's another one of my accolades.
ERIC: Sorry, I forgot to include at the end of her bio, she was also Our Girl Friday, apparently.
ADAL: Ohh, yes, yes, yes. Perfect. I sometimes call my legs getaway sticks, so that all checks out.
ERIC: Dr. Moiya, if you could just point in the direction of the nearest—of the nearest planet? There it is, sir.
ADAL: Okay, she's pointing straight at my head. Rude, but we'll look into it.
ERIC: The planet was inside of you the whole time, like friendship.
ADAL: There it is. Eric, non-Dr. Eric, sorry, let me give you your full title. Non-Dr. Eric, and will never be a doctor, how many—how many max points are permissible in this round?
ERIC: Te—also 10.
ADAL: Okay. Don't ever tell me. Don't ever tell me the odds. Don't ever tell me how many points are permissible.
ERIC: I won't.
ADAL: 40 points for Dr. Moiya.
ERIC: 40 points, incredible. That brings Moiya up to 75 points.
ADAL: My favorite number.
DR. MOIYA: Wow.
ERIC: Incredible. Sir, would you like if we went on to Round Four?
ADAL: No, I think I have the vapors. Please bring me my fainting couch. I will faint as soon as it's underneath me, and I would like to maybe go to my opera box so I might see this game played from above.
ERIC: Absolutely, please.
ADAL: Ohhhh. [faints]
ERIC: Alright, six tall incredibly muscled men are—who are oiled up - are bringing Dr. Adal Rifai up—
ADAL: They're brothers.
DR. MOIYA: Ooohh.
ERIC: They’re septuplets, they're walking their way off. There's a seventh one, I think. I forget how many are septuplets. They're bringing you up to your opera box. And there you are. Hello, and we can wave up to Dr. Rifai, hello.
ADAL: [Echoing, from a distance] Hello! Wave, seven brothers. And don't forget, I still owe you your wives. Well, that sounded weird. l don't—I don't owe you your wives. The wives will make their own—well, they're not wives really, they're— their brides, but… I'm gonna shut up now and sit down in my opera box.
ERIC: Alright, we are here at the wheel of extraordinary challenges, where we have already pre-spun it to make sure that you have the mini-game that is right for you, Dr. Moiya McTier. This game is called Not Too Hot, Not Too Cold, Not Too Much Helium in the Atmosphere.
DR. MOIYA: What? Oohh, okay.
ERIC: Yeah.
DR. MOIYA: So excited.
ERIC: Now, there are plenty of exoplanets out there that might be okay for human life, but not perfect. And as I hear from the stories of non-earthlings, using, you know, the direct tv satellite dish that we have here at the Rifai mansion, humans are incredibly resilient. Now, I'm gonna give you a suggestion of a planet that is like Earth but has one major issue. I would like you to explain how, if humans settled there, we would have to adapt.
DR. MOIYA: Okay, I'm ready.
ERIC: So number one, it's like Earth, but there's no land, it's only ocean.
DR. MOIYA: We would establish really big city ships that can— like, they’re— they’re subs, but giant submarines where we have entire societies and every once in a while when they pass, they have this ritual where they can exchange people to keep the incest down. And yeah, they—they follow whales because whales know where to hunt. And so that's how they get their food.
ADAL: [Echoing, from a distance] I heard whales and incest, what's going on down there?
ERIC: Sorry, you need to come closer. You have to hear clear—closer what the game is. That's wonderful. I love that. Alright, number two, it's like Earth, but it's actually a flat Earth. You can fall off the edges, going from either side is really dangerous, et cetera. It's like a— it's like a disc, like in Discworld.
DR. MOIYA: Yeah. Um, well, they would put prisoners on the outside because that's where the— the danger is and so—
ERIC: First thing—first thing that we do is figure out where to put the prisoners.
DR. MOIYA: First thing is where the prisoners go. That's what we do.
ERIC: Got to know. Yeah.
DR. MOIYA: You said humans, you said humans, that's what we do.
ERIC: I know. Yes, it's true. Yeah.
DR. MOIYA: And so— all of the rich people live closer to the center of the disc, where the centrifugal force isn't as high so they're not in as much danger of being flung off of this surface. And they all live in really short buildings, because any height means more wind resistance, so they build low and wide.
ERIC: Incredible. Low and wide was how they described me in high school, and also now. Alright, number three, it's like Earth, but the fauna is in its final evolutionary form, which is to say every animal is a crab.
DR. MOIYA: Orgies. I don't know why. I don't—this is—I don't know why, I just want that to be the case.
ERIC: Alright.
DR. MOIYA: So wait, are you saying all of the humans are crabs, or like the native species are all crabs, and then humans go there?
ERIC: The—the latter, that.
DR. MOIYA: Ohh, okay. Then humans commit mass genocide and eat all the crabs and also develop a new kind of Old Bay seasoning with local flora, with the spices that they find there.
ERIC: New—New Old Bay from the New—
DR. MOIYA: New Old Bay.
ERIC: —Chesapeake Bay. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, definitely. Alright, number four, it's like Earth but all the plants are carnivorous, or have some sort of mouth with sharp teeth.
DR. MOIYA: I like to think that this is the planet where all the humans die. This is the one that we— we just can't fight them. You can't fight a giant carnivorous plant. If they're working together— they have roots that go under the ground and can communicate with each other. If you walk into the forest, the plants on the other side— no, you can't beat that! We're not smart enough.
ERIC: Fair. I like that. That's very good. Alright, number five. It's like Earth but there's a Mars-esque planet that's really close by and they like to visit this planet, that is currently uninhabited, as vacation, as resorts.
DR. MOIYA: The Mars people like to visit this —
ERIC: Yes, the Mars-like people like to visit it for— as a resort.
DR. MOIYA: Well, there'd be super funky tides, so there probably wouldn't be civilizations near the coasts. So you're all landlocked, no seafood. I'm thinking desert dwellers. They build their homes into the rock faces, and they wear really loose clothing that they can take off in layers to account for the shifting temperatures on the surface.
ADAL: [Echoing, from a distance] Speaking of funky tides, Eric, please wash my clothes with some sort of mushroom, maybe like a portabello.
ERIC: Absolutely. I can also give you that Tide from Funkytown, where they have that [singing] laundry.
ADAL: [Echoing, from a distance] Yes, please. And—and write down the words crab orgy, please, for later.
ERIC: Oh, I already have.
ADAL: [Echoing, from a distance] Thank you.
ERIC: Absolutely. Alright, number six. It's like Earth but there's sulfur in the water and soil, so everything smells like farts.
DR. MOIYA: Ooh, um, well, that's just life in New York City. They just have to adapt to—
ERIC: Baby!
ADAL: [Echoing, from a distance] Burn!
DR. MOIYA: —living with something that smells all the time.
ERIC: [In a New York accent] Aye, ohh! It smells like farts here!
DR. MOIYA: [In a New York accent] I’m walkin’ here!
ERIC: Eyy!
ADAL: [Echoing, from a distance, in a New York accent] I’m farting here.
ERIC: [In a New York accent] Aye, it's sulfur here, the New York Gia—New York Mets.
DR. MOIYA: But okay, imagine a world where you never have to worry about what type of food you eat on a date, because everything stinks. So your breath doesn't have to smell good.
ERIC: That's honestly helpful. That's why XOXO Goss— Gossip Planet doesn't say that. Was that what it was? I can't remember what the joke was from before. Alright, seven. It's like Earth but bees are the size of Volkswagen Beetles.
DR. MOIYA: We ride them, we domesticate them, and ride them into battle. There are aerial legions riding giant bumblebees and they shoot bee stinger arrows from the sky, and it's beautiful and violent and I love it.
ERIC: As the Game Master here, I'm sorry. That one was a real easy one. That was self-explanatory. That one’s on me.
DR. MOIYA: There was only one right answer.
ADAL: [Echoing, from a distance] That was incredible. If I saw— if I turned on my TV and I saw a commercial for a giant bee with a bunch of cool hamsters getting out of it and dancing around, of course, I'd buy a giant Kia bee.
DR. MOIYA: Why wouldn't you?
ERIC: Yeah, of course. Yeah. It's efficient, the gas mileage is incredible. It j- just runs on honey. And finally number eight, it's like Earth but there's a chance of knife rain, which is when it rains knives.
DR. MOIYA: Well, because humans are cowards, we would build our civilization underground. We would become tunnel Mole People. Over many generations, everyone would become super pale and lose their eyesight, then maybe I like to think that if there's a story here, they find some large cavern with bioluminescent algae and they gain their eyesight back and then everyone— there's like this love story where they— people finally start seeing how beautiful other people are.
ERIC: I like that. I like how you turned it into a YA novel at the end.
DR. MOIYA: It's my instinct. That's my gut reflex.
ERIC: They're divided into three groups: one with no eyes, one with eyes that are blind, and one guy who's perfect, who can see.
DR. MOIYA: Who’s perfect. Yes.
ERIC: Do you think that they would go immediately underground, even if knife rain was, like, as frequent as hail?
DR. MOIYA: Yeah. Have you ever been surprised by a hail storm? I think as soon as they saw that knives fell from the sky, they would get underground as soon as possible. And even if— the people who didn't get underground as soon as possible are gonna die. Because they're gonna get stabbed from above by knife rain, so their habits won't carry on evolutionarily.
ADAL: [Echoing, from a distance] Eric, write down those lyrics so I can sell them to Metallica.
ERIC: Absolutely.
ADAL: [Echoing, from a distance] Stabbed From Above By Knife Rain.
ERIC: [Singing] Stabbed From Above. Absolutely. Alright. Those are all eight of the Earths that I've asked you for Not Too Cold, Not Too Hot, Not Too Much Helium in the Atmosphere. Mr. Rifai, how would you like to score this? Or Dr. Rifai, how would you like to score this?
ADAL: Thank you. Let's see. Dr. Moiya, how many exoplanets did you say we know about?
DR. MOIYA: We've confirmed— we passed 5000 this past summer.
ADAL: Give her 5000 points.
ERIC: Absolutely. That brings you up to 5075 points.
ADAL: Listen, is Dr. Moiya the most fascinating, entertaining, intelligent person I've ever talked to? 100%.
DR. MOIYA: I'm blushing.
ADAL: But am I enjoying it? Absolutely.
ERIC: Yeah.
DR. MOIYA: This is what— I mean space is objectively one of the coolest things that you could study. So if you're not going to become a multibillionaire, become an astrophysicist.
ADAL: Can't I be both?
DR. MOIYA: You can— you can, Dr. Rifai.
ADAL: Thank you.
DR. MOIYA: Because you're special.
ADAL: Thank you Dr. Moiya. Well, Dr. Moiya it's been— unlock the doors, everyone, it's okay. Unfreeze my assets and give half of them to Dr. Moiya. Doctor Moiya, this has been a goddamn delight. You are wonderful, you're brilliant. You are charming. You're everything I could ever want for in a guest and in a contestant. I mean, just starting by welcoming me to my own home, I should have known.
DR. MOIYA: Yes. That was the green flag.
ADAL: You absolutely rock and rule. And I think that’s about—
ERIC: Uh, Dr.—
ADAL: Huh?
ERIC: —Dr. Reverend Rifai, DDS, Esquire, you know, we have— we have the one more thing at the end.
ADAL: Oh, yes. One more thing. It's time for a final bonus point. You will answer this random trivia question about the world's most perfect film. No, not Legally Blonde or Legally Blonde 2 or Beaglely Blonde. This is the movie Grease.
DR.MOIYA: Okay.
ADAL: John Travolta wasn't the first pick for Danny Zuko. Which other actor, famous for wearing a leather jacket, was who the studio wanted?
DR. MOIYA: Sylvester Stallone?
ERIC: Oh, I forgot that when they— you went to Matrix college they removed the pop culture from your brain. It just put in science.
DR. MOIYA: It's just Science up here.
ERIC: It's just science in there. I forgot.
ADAL: [Mumbles in an exaggerated Sylvester Stallone voice] Rockin’ and rollin’!
ERIC: [Also imitating Sylvester Stallone] It’s Greased Lightning!
DR. MOIYA: Wesley Snipes?
ERIC: Well, that's closer. He would— did wear a leather jacket. That's pretty good. That— okay.
ADAL: He’s— he maybe wore it best in Blade.
ERIC: Yeah, that clo—I— that's close, you're getting closer.
ADAL: Unfortunately, what we were looking for was Henry Winkler. Paramount originally wanted Happy Days star Henry Winkler, also the star of Barry, as the leading man, but the actor was worried about being typecast so he bowed out.
DR. MOIYA: His loss.
ERIC: Yeah. I also wish I could be typecast as a cool guy who wore a leather jacket and had lots of friends.
ADAL: Eric, as you fly Dr. Moiya home, please give her 5,075 po— 5,075 points and a - I want to say Blu-Ray - copy of Grease. Are you non-billionaires still watching Blu-Ray?
DR. MOIYA: Yes. Yeah. We still have that technology down here in pleb-land.
ERIC: Yeah, we—we can give her a Blu-Ray copy, but you're on Ultraviolet-Ray, is that okay?
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: Cause that's the one we have set up.
ADAL: You can't even see my collection. Unless it's under certain lights.
ERIC: My collection is so bright, you need sunglasses.
ADAL: Sad, so sad. And one more time, what was that alien's name? The baby name?
DR. MOIYA: Sklogary!
ADAL: Sklogary! Thank you.
ERIC: Sklogary!
ADAL: Thank you to all you Sklogarys out there. Eric, let's go ahead and take a look at the scoreboard.
ERIC: Let's go to the big scoreboard. Dr. Moiya, as the fourth contestant, we still have on our big board, we still have one that is filled in, which is 20 points for ASS.
DR. MOIYA: I think ASS should get more than just 20 points, but okay.
ERIC: It's a good po— that's a fair point. In fourth place with 69.69 points, we have JPC who explained The Witcher. In third place, with 72 points, we have Matt Young, who explained his passion for toy collecting. With 73.666 repeating points, coming in second place, it was Janet Varney talking about miniatures. And rocketing up to the top of the high scores with—
ADAL: Apropo to rocket.
ERIC: That's true. 5075 points is Dr. Moiya McTier, with exoplanets.
DR. MOIYA: Wooohooo!
ADAL: Incredible, amazing. Eric, please make a note to yourself that from now on, from hither forth, you will say ‘high scores’ in the manner of Tommy Wiseau from The Room. ‘Oh, hi scores!’
ERIC: ‘Oh, hi scores.’
ADAL: Thank you.
ERIC: [In weird accent] You're tearing me apart, Adal!
ADAL: Was that Sylvester Stallone playing Tommy Wiseau?
ERIC: [In weird accent] Adrian, you're tearing me apart.
ADAL: Dr. Moiya, before you leave, would you please go ahead and plug any projects you have, or plug anything you'd like to plug?
DR. MOIYA: Yes, I would love to. I have three things I would like to plug. The first is a podcast I've been hosting for years, all about fictional world-building, called Exolore. You mentioned, Dr. Rifai, portmanteaus, earlier. Exolore is a portmanteau of exoplanet and folklore.
ADAL: Yes.
DR. MOIYA: It all ties together.
ADAL: Eric, subscribe me to that podcast.
ERIC: I was subscribed to Exo-er-lore, which is ex— the portmanteau of exoplanet, pervert, and lore, but that's a different show.
ADAL: Thank you. Also, buy me a vinyl copy of Taylor Swift’s Folklore.
ERIC: On it.
ADAL: Wait, am I listening to vinyl? Surely I have a better technology. Anyway, sorry, Dr. Moiya, project number two?
DR. MOIYA: Project number two is also a podcast. This one all about space. It's called Pale Blue Pod, and it's aimed at people who are a little bit overwhelmed when they think about the universe.
ADAL: You looked me dead in the eyes when you said that.
DR.MOIYA: You just have that kind of vibe, that you might be overwhelmed by the largeness of the universe.
ADAL: Eric, please wipe the sweat from my brow.
ERIC: Patpatpatpapatpatpatpapatpatpatpapatpat.
ADAL: My pits are ruined.
DR. MOIYA: It’s okay, mine too.
ERIC: Under the arm, patpatpapatpatpatpapatpatpatpapatpat.
ADAL: The last hour I learned more than I ever have in my entire life. And Dr. Moiya, what is project number three, or plug number three?
DR.MOIYA: Plug number three is a book that I wrote all about the Milky Way Galaxy from its own perspective. It's called the Milky Way: An Autobiography of our Galaxy. So you can hear from the sassy galaxy's mouth, how it was born, how it fell in love with the Andromeda galaxy two and a half million light-years away, and how it will ultimately die when the universe ends.
ADAL: Incredible. Where's the best place for people to buy that book?
DR.MOIYA: You can buy it anywhere books are sold - Barnes and Noble really loved it.
ADAL: Perfect.
DR.MOIYA: I also read the audiobook for it, in case you'd rather hear me saying stuff about space in your ear.
ADAL: I would, thank you.
ERIC: As a terrible billionaire yourself, I have ordered you 100 copies on Amazon, you will be returning 99. It’s just courtesy. That's what Je—that's what big Jeffy wanted you to do. He told you that.
ADAL: Yes, he did. He did ask. And he asked and I— he snaps and I say ‘how high?’ How high, Mark… Score - no, high scores. I'm drunk. Anyway, Dr. Moiya, thank you so much. You've been incredible.
DR. MOIYA: Oh, thank you, Dr. Rifai. I'm so honored to share this title with you. Doctor didn't mean anything when I defended my dissertation, but knowing that you are also a doctor just makes it that much more satisfying.
ADAL: Thank you so much. If you ever want to visit any of these six brothers, or me, on this island again, please just say the word. That's all for this episode of Tell Me About It. Tune in next week for more incest, whales, and alien baby names. Say goodbye, Eric.
ERIC: Goodbye, Eric.
[theme]
Transcriptionist: KA
Editor: KM
Proofreader: SR