Amanda McLoughlin Loves Retirement Plans!
Amanda McLoughlin (CEO of Multitude, Join the Party, Spirits) is here to prove that retirement plans are more interesting than the movie musical Grease. Hopefully this episode is… 401OK.
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- website: tmaipod.com
- patreon: patreon.com/TMAIpod
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Cast & Crew
- Hosts: Adal Rifai & Eric Silver
- Producer: Eric Silver
- Editor: Mischa Stanton
- Created by: Eric Silver & Mischa Stanton
- Theme Song: Arne Parrott
- Artwork: Shae McMullin
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Tell Me About It is a madcap game show about proving that the things you like are actually interesting and cool. Adal Rifai is an eccentric billionaire who forces someone new every episode to share, argue, and defend the thing they love the most. He’s wrangled his audio butler Eric to lead the contestant through a series of absurd challenges and games, all to gain points and get on the Most Interesting Thing High Score Board. Tell Me About It: the most fun podcast run by a multibillionaire. New episodes every other Thursday.
Transcript
[theme]
ADAL: Welcome to Tell Me About It, a game show about proving the things you love are actually interesting and fun. I am Adal Rifai, local eccentric multi billionaire, multi-billion here, multi-billion hair. And I'm still looking for someone to show me something that is better and more interesting than the movie Grease. So far, not had it. Though I am not doing this by myself - although it feels like it sometimes - please welcome my butler and my retirement plan, and by retirement plan, I mean, you know, the body that I will one day inhabit a la Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Mr. Eric Silver.
ERIC: I would be honored if you put your brain somewhere where my stomach should be. And then you can talk to me like you’re a New York City grandpa, while I say very little and I just spend my time getting buff like I've been in jail for 10 years.
ADAL: Sure. Yeah.
ERIC: I would love that. That would take a lot of— a lot of stuff off my mind.
ADAL: [imitates Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle] Eric, please make me some French toast. [stops imitation] I think it goes something like that. Wow, I—
ERIC: That's good.
ADAL: —do a surprisingly good Krang for not having practice.
ERIC: I'm gonna write that down on your list of things you're good at. Let me just write that down under ‘flipping pancakes on the third try.’
ADAL: Mmhmm, mmhmm. And if I had to choose - I guess we'll have this discussion since people are probably begging for it - If I had to choose which Ninja Turtle I was, I guess I'd probably go with Casey Jones, since I'm such a big sports head.
ERIC: That's true. You love hockey. And I would choose April O'Neil, because I don't think newspapers are dead.
ADAL: And you look great in yellow.
ERIC: I do! And I like it—I like it when teenage boys save me from peril. They—they're just— listen, they're just some guys hanging out below and checki— hanging out with ooze in sewers. You know, they’re— they're nice. They're nice.
ADAL: I guess they know more—it's more like Krav Maga or like taekwondo. I don't know if they're ninjas. I mean, they use smoke bombs.
ERIC: Yeah.
ADAL: But just in terms of the martial arts that they display in the cartoon and the comics, I don't know if that's Ninjitsu. It seems more—more like a ground and pound.
ERIC: Yeah, it's more like a Ninjago sort of thing like a Lego Ninja sort of thing.
ADAL: Yes. Thank you so much, Eric. Eric Silver won a silver. One day I'll meet Eric Gold and he'll replace you in the new year. But for now, I am stuck with you. Eric, who do we have on the podcast today?
ERIC: We have podcaster, CEO of Multitude, former finance employee, and my wife, Amanda McLoughlin, come on down.
AMANDA: Hello, hello. Thank you for having me. I too— no, I'm not waiting to upgrade to a gold model. This is—this is the one for me.
ADAL: Oh, that's—
AMANDA: I want the silver standard, you know what I mean?
ADAL: Well, that's adorable. Amanda, I'm immediately charmed by you. It's so nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on the podcast. Thank you for putting up with Eric, to be honest. I know that I keep him here at the compound for 340 days of the year.
AMANDA: Mmmm. That's true.
ADAL: But I'm sure you two make do with the time that he has available with you. Amanda, what are you here to talk to us about?
AMANDA: I'm here to talk about retirement plans, which are a surprisingly twisty political, intriguing, and overall, just really interesting subject that I became an accidental expert in when I had an English degree and lots of student loans, and took the first job I could find which happened to be at an investment bank.
ADAL: You're here to talk to us about retirement plans? Eric—
AMANDA: Yes.
ADAL: —fucking finally we got a guest that's giving something helpful in the world, it's planting the seeds of financial responsibility into the— the arid soil of humanity. I mean, previously - no knock against the guests - but previously it's like ‘hey man, I love fucking Legos or whatever.’ It's like I—and my eyes glaze over like a great white shark and I go, ‘sure dude, whatever you want.’ But now finally, Eric. Finally, we have secured a guest who's going to actually give value to this show.
ERIC: You told me—
ADAL: Release the doves! [doves flying]
[Eric imitates sound of the doves]
ADAL: Wow, those doves—
AMANDA: Good job.
ADAL: —sound insane.
ERIC: I had a very limited budget. I had to find them, Shredder gave them to me - he said it was sewer doves, they’re—
ADAL: Oh, okay.
ERIC: —different.
ADAL: Yeah, I was gonna say those doves sound like all tongue. [Imitates dove sounds]
ERIC: Oh, sorry there was a turkey in there. Get out—get out of here. Get out of here. [Turkey noise plays.]
ADAL: It also kind of sounded like the opening to White Lotus.
ERIC: That's true. That's very fair. Mike White has written—
ADAL: Yeah.
ERIC: —this episode and someone's gonna die at the end. I'm not gonna say who.
AMANDA: Aaaah.
ERIC: I'm not gonna say who.
ADAL: Ooohh, interesting.
AMANDA: Is it my financial future if I don't plan for retirement?
ERIC: Probably. I think that's what he's getting at. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also did give Janet Varney $10,000 to invest in miniatures, and she has not called me back.
ADAL: Smart. Interesting. Interesting. Well, we'll have to have Janet back on to explain herself. But for now, Amanda— Amanda, you famously, aforementioned-ly, live with Eric—
AMANDA: Yes.
ADAL: Where did– Where do the two of you live?
AMANDA: We live in North Brooklyn, right near the Multitude Studio.
ADAL: North Brooklyn. Is that uh— I mean, I know there's Dumbo and Soho. Is North Brooklyn called like Nooklyn, or do we have a name for that?
AMANDA: No, that's where the neighborhoods of Williamsburg and more interestingly, Greenpoint are. When we first met, Eric lived in Bushwick, Brooklyn, I lived in Astoria, Queens. And so when we found a new neighborhood together as we moved in together, we compromised on the part of Brooklyn nearest to Queens, which is Greenpoint.
ERIC: Yeah. It was the only way to get it. It was the only way to get her out of Queens.
ADAL: Smart. And Amanda, I have to ask.
AMANDA: Yeah?
ADAL: The people are probably dying to know, on the edge of their seat. Which ninja turtle are you?
AMANDA: Um, I think is there like a bookish one?
ERIC: Yeah, there's the guy who like machines.
ADAL: Donatello.
ERIC: Yeah.
ADAL: Yeah.
AMANDA: Yes. Tha— that would be me. I'm a bookish child, bookish adult, and that's the character I most often empathize with.
ADAL: Eric, I am going to have to dock your pay for the week. Donatello doesn't love machines. Donatello does machines.
ERIC: I'm sorry.
AMANDA: Oh, damn.
ERIC: I'm sorry, I was so baffled by the theme song.
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: And all I want to be is a rude dude with attitude that I forgot—I forgot that.
ADAL: Well, you're being— yes. Like Rafael, who's cool, but rude. You misunderstood. Donatello does machines. Now interpret that how you will.
AMANDA: I was gonna say - is there textual evidence for what that actually means?
ADAL: Ah, I think we all assu— I think we all assume what it means.
ERIC: Yeah.
AMANDA: Sure.
ADAL: And that makes Donatello a bit of a fucking freak.
ERIC: He's lonely and there's one woman who likes them. And she—and she—
AMANDA: That does sound like—
ERIC: —probably has a boyfriend. Casey Jones bro, they're dating.
ADAL: Yeah, yeah.
ERIC: Because they're both humans, and the other four are horny turtle teens.
ADAL: Yeah, absolutely. They got a strict father figure. Oh, well, it's a mess.
ERIC: Yeah. Adal, I told you to stop calling my dad a rat, that's not true.
ADAL: Well, until— until I am proven otherwise by a legal driver's license, I will continue in— down that lane. Eric, if you don't mind, why don't we go ahead and sashay into round one?
ERIC: Absolutely. Amanda, this is round one, Just Tell Me About It. I have 10 foundational points that I have compiled from various places across the internet because you can't just like Wikipedia—
AMANDA: Retirement plans?
ERIC: —retirement funds.
AMANDA: —no, you can't. No, you can't.
ERIC: So really, I compiled this from some places— from Investopedia and CNBC.
AMANDA: Oh, good.
ERIC: And I have some fundamental points about retirement funds that I would love to see if you can hit. You get five minutes on the clock, and you get points for every bullet you hit. Especially if you make them sound interesting and cool. And Mr. Rifai, my friend from work, will be giving you bonus points.
ADAL: Boss.
ERIC: You're— my boss from work—
AMANDA: Yes, yes.
ERIC: We'll be giving—
ADAL: Your ha—sorry, your handler.
ERIC: My handler from work. You know, Mr. Rifai, my handler from work?
AMANDA: Yeah, yeah.
ADAL: I'm like Jack Hannah and Eric's like my I don't know, bald eagle who swoops in on to my leather-gloved hand.
ERIC: Yeah.
AMANDA: Now, I do just have to say that when Eric told me his new job came with retirement benefits, I didn't know he was the benefit for your retirement. I, I was just—I thought maybe Eric, you had like a retirement plan, defined contribution, defined benefit, one of the versions of the plans that we have here. So we—we may have to just kind of talk about that offline.
ERIC: Oh, no we— I do have a plan, but it's only if Mr. Rifai dies first.
AMANDA: Oh, I mean—
ADAL: Yes. And actually, just to clarify, just so I'm giving the appropriate legalese. Eric, you actually— when you signed your contract with me, you signed up for a RIFAI-rement plan. Now I am Adal Rifai, and instead of retiring, I will be RIFAI-ering. RIFAI-ering is a very complex web of lies, since it's mostly just a loophole for me to be able to fire you at any time, and also to pull the rug out from underneath you both literally and metaphorically.
ERIC: Yeah.
ADAL: Amanda, I'm dying to hear you answer this first round, in terms of the explanations. But I do have to prep you and warn you.
AMANDA: Sure.
ADAL: The only thing I know about finance, I have learned from the rooftop scene of Shawshank Redemption. So—
AMANDA: Great.
ADAL: —if you could really lean into any sort of $60,000 one-time gifts to your spouse, or even just mentioning Tim Robbins in any way.
AMANDA: Uh-huh.
ADAL: That would really be a boon to me understanding this. And it might be a path to some bonus points.
AMANDA: Okay. Thank you.
ERIC: Yeah. Sending a check to yourself in the mail, so it's a legally binding document. That would all work out really well.
ADAL: Thank you.
AMANDA: Do my best.
ERIC: Yeah. And also the— one of the benefits, there's, uh, iced coffee in the break room.
AMANDA: Oohh.
ERIC: Yeah that's good. It's good.
AMANDA: Good.
ERIC: It's good to work here. We're a family and— as well as a workplace.
AMANDA: We're a family so we don't talk about our problems. Yeah.
ERIC: No, my—and my father figure/handler, Mr. Rifai is—is my father.
ADAL: Sorry to keep bringing up the legal department. But legally, we can't say we're a family. That trademark is owned by both Olive Garden and Vin Diesel.
AMANDA: Oh, you're right, you're right.
ERIC: We go for life a quarter kilometer at a time, totally different.
AMANDA: Totally different.
ERIC: Okay, I put five minutes on the clock, please explain retirement plans to us - and go.
AMANDA: Retirement plans are a metaphor for the abdication of responsibility by the American government for—for the welfare of people— in the social safety net, people. This is what we're talking about here. So, in the olden times, when— when we all lived in villages, and when, you know, we—our lifespans weren't very long, and you kind of worked most of your life. And then the lucky ones maybe lived a little bit beyond when you're able to work. The people responsible for taking care of you, after you couldn't work and earn a wage anymore, or grow your own food anymore, were your family, were your church, were the you know, your— your community group, the people near you. And as the industrial revolution happened, as people started to move to cities, as the social ties got looser in modernity, suddenly you were no longer, like, surrounded by people who are responsible for you. But instead, like living somewhere kind of more anonymously, and working for a company. And especially as the, like, corporate structure of America was invented in the 1800s, or in the early 1900s, you might you know, earn a wage from somebody else and then, you know, get old and need someone to take care of you, but you don't have your family around, you don't have a plot of land and you know, food that you and your sons and your grandsons can all grow. And so the way that companies used to take care of employees after they retired was called a pension plan. Where this ma— is a mythical creature for people under 50, like us. But it was a case where you got paid. And much like Social Security or other kind of retirement schemes in different countries, the money you make when you're in your earning years, some of that is taxed and goes to a big fund that helps pay people after they retire. And companies would do that individually, so that when you retire from the school district, or the firehouse, or the company, or the factory, you would get paid in your retirement because you helped earn a lot of money for the people who were retiring when you were still working. In the 1970s. there was a law passed and the IRS decided that this—this fun little scheme where companies got to - it was called a coda, a basically like deferred compensation scheme where companies used to say to executives, ‘hey, hey, hey, we know you hate paying taxes, we know you hate giving up money.’ Mr. Rifai is a billionaire, this may really you know, resonate with you.
ADAL: Yes.
AMANDA: Where you know, you may pay several million dollars of tax on your many millions of dollars of income. But what if there was just like a fun little tax code, where instead you could earn— you pay less taxes and earn more money on, say, the stocks or the profits that you get to share in the company.
ADAL: I'm listening. A tax code, a la Contra like the up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, select, start?
AMANDA: Yeah, a sort of Shawshank Redemption of taxes? I haven't seen that film.
ADAL: Thank you.
AMANDA: I'm trying my best here.
ERIC: [laughs]
ADAL: Wait, you've never seen Shawshank Redemption? So you haven't turned on a TV in the last 22 years?
AMANDA: That's true. I am—I am—
ADAL: Okay.
AMANDA: —a cord never millennial. I have not had cable before. [laughs]
ERIC: Yeah, you can find the tax code at the back of Nintendo Power Magazine where X-Men is on arcades right now.
ADAL: Of course, Eric famously pronounces it ‘Mare-rio Brothers,’ I'm just exhausted.
ERIC: It’s my fatal flaw. Yeah.
AMANDA: So in the 1970s, the government is like, ‘you know what is better than having companies and maybe the government be responsible for people after they stop working and being like economically productive to society? If instead, nobody is responsible for that. And you are responsible yourself for saving for your own retirement.’ And so a literal guy named Ted came up with the idea for a 401k. This was a clause—the 401k is a clause of the tax code that originally was supposed to rein in corruption and stop companies from letting billionaires, I'm so sorry, Mr. Rifai, like yourself from not—
ADAL: Oh, no.
AMANDA: —paying adequate taxes. And—
ADAL: You said this gentleman's name was Ted? I think I've seen the biopic starring Mark Wahlberg?
ERIC: Yeah.
AMANDA: Yeah.
ADAL: Yeah, I—
AMANDA: And the teddy bear, right?
ADAL: He—fascinating life, this man.
AMANDA: Fascinating life. He got very rich, as you may recall, from the film.
ADAL: Ooh.
AMANDA: Because he worked for a retirement consulting company and invented the thing through a quote, “aggressive interpretation of the tax code.” This thing called a 401k, which is basically a savings account that you don't get to start unless your employer lets you and you save for your own retirement. They let you not pay taxes on your income now, but pay it in the future later. Don't worry about it. But don't worry, the company does get tax credits and benefits by letting you save for retirement. You don't get those now, they get them now. And so, in that time, pensions have gone almost to zero, almost nobody gets pensions anymore. Only about 65-68% of people in the US are eligible for 401ks. Again, your employer has to like let you open one. The employer has to sponsor the savings account, like when you were a child and had a paycheck and your parents had like, go to the bank to open an account with you. And so there all kinds—
ADAL: Oh, with those pneumatic tubes.
AMANDA: Exactly, right. I miss those a lot. And so now there are IRAs or SEP IRAs. There are all kinds of other accounts that you can use. But the point is that the macro shift over time parallels the American journey away from a collective consciousness where we're responsible for each other, and to one where everybody is responsible for their own success or failure. And companies have no more responsibilities of care.
ERIC: And time. Whoa. Hey, hey, Mr. Rifai?
ADAL: Yes?
ERIC: Is, like, the economy bad?
ADAL: Boy, I'm not— due to my initiation into a secret cabal, I'm not really at liberty to say.
AMANDA: Mr. Rifai is his own economy. You know—
ADAL: Thank you.
AMANDA: —when you—when you have billions under your belt, sir, this is a thing that you don't have to worry yourself with. But it is something that affects peons below you. And so for that reason, just to, like, not embarrass yourself at cocktail parties, if you run into, like, I don't know, a server, and they say some joke about, you know, IRAs. I don't know. So you have a little bit more of context for that.
ADAL: Yes, I—famously, am friends with Tim Roth, who I assume the IRA is named after.
AMANDA: Yup.
ADAL: Wonderful man. Very— shorter than you think.
AMANDA: But so expressive, so expressive.
ADAL: Yes, absolutely. Amanda, fascinating and also very impressive. Your—your—
AMANDA: Thank you.
ADAL: — spiel for the last few moments here. Eric, what do we have in terms of points for this round?
ERIC: Here's the thing. When I was preparing this, I put together some things about like, ‘hey, how does compound interest work? How much should you have put away by the time you retire at 67? What are the contribution limits?’ I did not have, like, the fundamental flaws of the American economy shifting from a community base to a corporate base that—and then shifting that to an individual basis.
AMANDA: That's right.
ERIC: So you sure did cover the first three points I had.
AMANDA: Okay.
ERIC: That is you— replaces income, and it's about your company. The tax breaks benefit the highest earners, it is in the tax code, you hit on the 401K, the IRA, the pension, the SEP. All those I had written down, so I can give you those first three points. You touched nothing of the points from 4 to 10.
ADAL: Interesting.
ERIC: About how to figure— how to actually maintain your own retirement as a person.
AMANDA: Yes.
ERIC: Which is what I prepared.
ADAL: So here's what I'll say, Eric. If—if I may make the analogy. It seems like your game plan was basically like a high school history book. And Amanda swooped in, like a Howard Zinn, if you will.
ERIC: Yes. That’s exactly what happened.
ADAL: So I think— I think we're gonna give her the max amount of points just for the—
ERIC: Hell yeah.
AMANDA: Oh, thank you.
ADAL: —impressive display of flaws, termites in the woodwork.
AMANDA: Yeah.
ADAL: And also for a bonus point. Now, at some point, Amanda, up top, you were mentioning back when people lived in villages.
AMANDA: Yes.
ADAL: My question for you is, did you see The Village? And if so, did you see that twist coming?
AMANDA: I read the Wikipedia article for The Village, I have not actually seen it.
ADAL: Okay.
AMANDA: So, I'm so sorry. I have to forfeit my income in a tax-deferred plan, like a 401k.
ADAL: Well, I will allow you to invest your points from this round if you like.
AMANDA: Ohh, thank you. Yeah.
ADAL: In a Robin Hood-style app of my own making. So—
AMANDA: What's it called?
ADAL: I call it Little John.
AMANDA: Good.
ADAL: It's my own ma— it's my own little app. So you can put your points in there and they may double, they may go down to zero. We don't know. We don't know exactly how it works. But why don't we go ahead, Eric, and move on to round two?
ERIC: Absolutely. The wonderful thing about Little John, is that you don't have to tell the user much of anything. It's just either your money's doing ‘okay’ or ‘yeah.’
ADAL: Mmmhmm. Mmhmm. Those are the—
AMANDA: Fair.
ADAL: It’s binary, yeah.
ERIC: And if it's bad, it's to the window or to the wall.
ADAL: Yes.
AMANDA: Got it. Got it.
ERIC: Yes. So you got a solid 10 points. And we can see if your investment pays out from compounding interest later.
AMANDA: Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Let's go all in.
ERIC: Alright, this is round two, the perfect thing. What is the perfect encapsulation of retirement plans? If someone asked you, ‘well, what's an example of why you love this thing so much,’ what would you say?
AMANDA: I would say that retirement plans are so deliberately obtuse and difficult for average people to understand how to use them. That they're all named after numbers and letters in the tax code. The 401k is the one that we are most interested in. The 403B is another kind of tax plan you can have. You can have an IRA, a SEP IRA, a ROTH IRA, such as Mr. Rifai, your friend Tim—
ADAL: Thank you.
AMANDA: —has so— so famously founded. You can have all kinds of— you can have a 529 plan for saving for your children's future and college expenses. But if you don't have kids, oops, you can just use that money anyway, don't worry about it. And I think that the thing that I'd like to talk about most, as a person who worked in finance and had to learn kind of kicking and screaming all these things about the industry that I never otherwise would have learned, because they don't teach you, you know, basic money skills in school, is that the harder it is for people to understand, the more money the financial system makes. When they make, like, policies really hard to understand, that's when they can charge you fees. When they make it difficult to understand what, you know, your credit card payment actually is, that's when they can start charging you interest, all that kind of stuff. And so the fact that retirement accounts are so obtuse and weird is not anyone's fault, but it's by design. That guy who made the 401K is really rich now. Companies get lots of tax subsidies by claiming to help you save for retirement while actually saying, ‘okay, well, you're getting paid 40 grand a year. But if you choose to put four of that into a retirement plan for the future, haha, we don't have to pay taxes on it, and in fact, we get some kind of tax rebate.’ So, cynical, yes. Sad, perhaps. But interesting, certainly.
ERIC: Wh—why do you like this? It— so, you’ve given us a lot of reasons why it's bad.
ADAL: Yeah.
ERIC: And why people are taking advantage. But why do you like it? Why are you here?
ADAL: Amanda, you are grinning ear to ear.
AMANDA: I—
ERIC: It's— you have Jokerfied yourself, that you—it's goo—you're smiling about it, even without smiling.
AMANDA: I like it because it feels like an unconquerable mystery. And in fact, it is understandable. If you have someone with the patience or the resources to kind of explain to you why this happens, and how you can do it. You can actually get a lot of money out of your employer. You can actually, you know, kind of optimize the taxes that you pay, so that you pay money on what you're actually taking home and using now. And in the future pay, you know, the minimum responsible amount of taxes possible. It's—it's a really interesting puzzle. And I am the kind of person who enjoys, like, board games and video games where you're all about like managing the kinds of rubies you have in your inventory to be able to make like the smelting of gold, to make the smelting of platinum, to like make a windmill in Stardew Valley. And so optimizing the arcane rules and feeling like I've mastered them, and now that I've mastered them, I can help people understand this, like, packet from their employer that is so densely written, that they're like, ‘I have no idea,’ but actually, your employer can just give you five grand a year for retirement, if you understand how to work the system. I love working systems that screw over corporations. And that is what kind of smart management of retirement savings can do for you. And not to mention, it's a— it's a thing that makes you feel a little bit responsible for the future. And one of the benefits of our sort of individualized retirement plan era, versus a company paying you a pension, is if a company goes bust and that was your pension, good luck to you, sorry. And you got nothing else left. But if you know how to work the system, you know, get those benefits, use those company's rules, and you decide to move to another employer, you have a little bit of money that you know is there for you when you need it one day.
ADAL: Wonderful. Amanda, I have to say, you speak faster than anyone I've ever met.
AMANDA: I'm a New Yorker, baby.
ERIC: Just like Krang.
ADAL: Yeah, you're— you're from Nooklyn. Fascinating stuff about retirement. I do have to mention my two adult sons. And of course, they famously claim they're never going to retire. They make their money by - of course, they’ll one day inherit my fortune - but they make their money by—
AMANDA: Sure.
ADAL: —drop shipping on Redbubble and by all their side hustles. So, that's also something to look into.
AMANDA: Absolutely. No, that's— that's very interesting. And a community of Reddit that is very convinced that you can make money by this inventive thing called being a landlord.
ADAL: Yes.
AMANDA: Or you know, or, or shipping things on Redbubble and having people who live in less expensive countries, do your labor for you and then collect the profits.
ADAL: Yes. And our little secret, Amanda, I don't—sorry. Come over, step over here.
AMANDA: Oh, sure.
ADAL: To the Hologram Room. I don't want Eric to hear this. I've actually—
AMANDA: Yeah.
ADAL: —invested 1/4 of my fortune, which is—
AMANDA: Ohh.
ADAL: —3 billion dollars.
AMANDA: Yeah.
ADAL: Into something called Horny Tortoises. Now, what is Horny Tortoises? I'm glad you asked. It's an NFT, that ummm— oh, how to describe it? It's a— it's like a picture of a big ol’ horny tortoise.
AMANDA: Oh, okay. And there's a lot of demand for this product?
ADAL: Well, no.
AMANDA: Well you have to— what you're saying is, you have to teach the consumer what they want, like—
ADAL: Exactly.
AMANDA: —Steve Jobs and the iPhone.
ADAL: Yes. I keep buying them all. So one day someone's gonna look back and go ‘where'd all the Horny Tortoises go?’
AMANDA: Yeah.
ADAL: And then bingo bango, I have them all. And I start—
AMANDA: You do.
ADAL: —selling them like horny hotcakes.
AMANDA: Incredible. Do you think—
ADAL: We can step back over by Eric, I see you're getting uncomfortable.
AMANDA: Oh, sure, sure. No, no, I mean, it's important, you can think of retirement plans as kind of like an NFT. But every aspect of that is the opposite. Where it is, you know, it is real money that belongs only to you. It is physical, you can't share it. And actually, you're not allowed to - opposite of an NFT - where there's no way that a hacker could kind of like just take it from your wallet or reproduce it or take a screenshot of it. Like it's a strange thing where— where it's real tangible money that only belongs to you—
ADAL: Interesting.
AMANDA: —and that you can only access after retirement age or else you pay a penalty. Yeah.
ADAL: Huh.
ERIC: Luckily, no crypto person or NFT person have ever gone to jail for anything. So we're fine.
ADAL: Oh, good.
AMANDA: It's true. It’s true
ERIC: Yeah. Wonderful. Yes, I am—I learned so much—the— my older brother has kicked my book out of my hands and told me the real shit that I need to know about what's going on with mom and dad. So let's give you some scores for round two, the perfect thing. Mr. Rifai, can you give Amanda McLoughlin, smart person, and Nooklyn resident, a score out of 10?
ADAL: I think we're gonna go for the full, how did Ricky Martin put it? Shebang? 10 points. 10 out of 10.
AMANDA: Gotta say - didn't expect my topic to go over this well. So thank you very much.
ERIC: We just love learning here at Tell Me About It. That's all we like.
ADAL: Listen, as someone who has so much money, and I have no clue how to spend it, or use it, or have it work for me besides building robots—
AMANDA: True.
ADAL: —who work for me, I am so thirsty for this knowledge. So I'm so glad you brought it to the table, Amanda. And I'm so glad you're not talking about fucking Legos or whatever, Matt Young. Or like— I have to ask, Amanda, since the subject arose naturally—
AMANDA; Yeah?
ADAL: Are Legos a good investment?
AMANDA: So ideally, an investment is something that appreciates in value over time. So you buy it with today money and then it grows in the future. So because you know, money— money gets a little bit cheaper every year, right? There's inflation. And so it's a— it's important for the investment you choose to be something that there can't be lots more of in the future, ‘cause then the price will probably get cheaper.
ADAL: Sure.
AMANDA: And so I would suggest maybe going in for like an ETF, an Exchange Traded Fund.
ADAL: Okay.
AMANDA: Maybe a blue chip stock, a stock of a company that has a long track record of making money pretty decently and modestly and will keep doing so in the future. Maybe a bond, you know, a—
ERIC: A James Bond?
AMANDA: A James Bond, a franchise that you can take to the bank quite literally. So Legos, you know, they get lost, they get melted, they go underfoot. The Lego Company could just make a lot more of them. I'd suggest against that, Mr. Rifai.
ADAL: Hope you're listening, Matt Young, you dumb motherfucker. You're broke.
ERIC: On the other hand, it could appreciate because you make a cool—
ADAL: Shit.
ERIC: —Empire State Building and then someone comes in and be like, ‘that's great, I love that.’
AMANDA: ‘They don’t make those no more, nice.’
ERIC: ‘Yeah, that’s wonderful.’
ADAL: Yeah. Hey, Matt, if you're still listening, I'm sorry about what I said. It sounds like you might be doing pretty well.
AMANDA: Mr. Rifai, you could also hedge your bets and offer Mr. Young cents on the dollar to buy his collection of Legos, and then five years from now some of them might be more expensive, some of them might be less expensive, but you know—
ADAL: Interesting.
AMANDA: —you get to share in those profits or not.
ERIC: And he'll be really upset you took his favorite thing away.
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: And then he'll want it back for more price.
ADAL: Yes, like taking candy from a baby. Hmm.
AMANDA: Exactly.
ADAL: Write this down, Eric. Yes, write this down for future— for future Adal.
ERIC: ‘Take candy from baby.’ Got it.
ADAL: Yes. Is that too Mr. Burns of me? Also, Amanda, you mentioned buying things with today money.
AMANDA: Yes.
ADAL: I'm so glad you mentioned that, I have a suitcase full of it. Katie Couric gave it to me at her last Today Show party. So I'm glad that it's useful for something. I assumed it's kind of like Disney bucks, if you remember that from the 80s—
AMANDA: Yeah.
ADAL: —90s?
ERIC: Yeah.
AMANDA: Exactly. And I bet Ms. Couric is not going to be making any money from the Today Show in the future. So probably that's an investment that will accrue over time.
ADAL: Yes, absolutely.
ERIC: Yeah.
[theme]
ERIC: Hey, it's Eric, and I'm here in the butler's pantry, where I can hide out and no one will tell me what to do. And I will talk to you directly about the podcast. This is where I keep my personal dustbuster, her name is Betty. We got a wonderful write-up in Vulture lately, and it's very nice hearing people say nice things about a weird and wild game show that we do. Tell Me About is not stopping anytime soon. So keep letting people know about our fledgling little podcast. Also, we have a Patreon, if you didn't know, @patreon.com/tmaipod, where you can be an junior audio butler and get your own little broom hung up here in the pantry. We're also thinking of doing ad-free episodes at some point, so y'all could skip the whole mid-roll at the $5 tier, what do you think? Yes? No? Yeah? Let me know. A lot of people have joined up, just to support the show. Spooky Brunch, Baron Stout, Andrew Ballard, and Stefan Dragger, you're all incredible, and I love you. Do you want to come meet my parents? You also might not know that Tell Me About It is part of Multitude, a podcast collective, studio, and ad sales agency. We're also here to teach you how to podcast with the Multitude Podcast Extension School for people who want to learn about audio and read good. People might say that podcasting is easy, but no one actually describes how to get going, how to grow, and how to avoid the pitfalls that might stall a project. That is why Multitude offers classes for podcasters, by podcasters. Over the course of four weeks, you'll learn from weekly instruction, hands-on homework, and lots of valuable feedback from your instructors and classmates in their online classroom. And if you can't commit to a whole four weeks, we have one-day seminars that I think will definitely interest you. If you're a podcaster and want to learn more, this is for you. Learn more about the dates, the curriculum, and the technical details, or just sign up by going to multitude.production/classes or check out the link in the episode description. We are also sponsored today by Shaker & Spoon, which is a wonderful local to Brooklyn subscription cocktail service that helps you learn how to make handcrafted cocktails right at home. Every box comes with enough ingredients to make three different cocktail recipes. But all you have to do is buy one bottle of that month's spirit and bam, you have everything you need for 12 incredibly interesting and complex drinks at home. And for just $40 to $50 a month, plus the cost of the bottle, it's a super cost-effective way to enjoy craft cocktails that you make by yourself. Get some friends over or be the best houseguest of all time with this Shaker & Spoon box. Get $20 off your first box at shakerandspoon.com/tmai. That's $20 off a $40 box, big savings off your first box at shakerandspoon.com/tmai. And now, back to the show.
[theme]
ADAL: Eric, why don't we go ahead and fast-forward to round three?
ERIC: Absolutely. This is— I— I was trying to think of a Dorian Gray joke with Katie Couric and I thought it was in poor taste, so I decided not to do it. This is round three, the question and answer period. We have some follow-up questions for you. And they will be the gotcha questions that got—that Katie Couric warned us about and was so good at. Please answer as many as possible, as Mr. Rifai delivers them to you.
AMANDA: I'll do my best.
ADAL: Alright, Amanda, as a millennial, do you think you'll receive Social Security when you retire? What about Gen-Zers?
AMANDA: I'm not planning on it. I think we will probably get Social Security - basically a pension from the government, where, as when you're earning money, you pay some in taxes toward Social Security, it pays people who are now retired, and then in the future, it kind of presumes that the government will be functional, interested in paying people retirement benefits and that they will count my sort of gig economy wages like they do people who work at companies. So I'm not planning on it and s— I think Gen Z should not either. So that— that's my plan.
ADAL: Sounds good. Question number two, the FIRE movement, which stands for Financial Independence Retire Early, is all about young people cutting costs and saving so drastically that they can retire in their 30s.
AMANDA: Yes.
ADAL: Does this even work, or is it a pipe dream so people can brag about living in Bali on Reddit?
AMANDA: There are a lot of people on Reddit who brag about living in Bali, because they, for example, like lived on their mom's couch in San Francisco while earning an engineer’s salary, saved all the money, had no expenses, and then you know, decided to move to Bali when they were like 30 and had saved a million dollars. That is extreme, and most people who are— participate in the movement and are interested in it, I think are learning a really important lesson, which is that your life doesn't have to look like - and probably won't look like - the sort of idealized version of the past. Where you— you know, put in your 30 years at the same company, retire with a full pension at 65, and then like go on to you know, travel the world because you've already bought the house, had the kids, own two cars, all that stuff. Our lives are different now. And so what the movement suggests is that you should think about how much— like what kind of life you want, what that life is going to cost you, how you can save some money now to help you in the future. And I think the—the kind of smartest and most reasonable people, myself included, who have, like, read, you know, those blogs and people and learned from those lessons, get to say that, you know, nothing in life is promised to us. You know, if I am old enough to retire one day, great. I'm going to do my best to plan for the future while not like sacrificing every element of my present. And you know, taking some vacations now, but also hoping to you know, do stuff when I'm old.
ADAL: Sounds good. Also, if— to people bragging about living in Bali, doesn't the US dollar go pretty far in Bali? I mean, one time, I bought a 1996 Ford Taurus for two Indonesian currency.
AMANDA: It— it does and you may also ask yourself, ‘I wonder how this idea of being a like digital nomad who lives abroad and just kind of lies to my employer about where I actually live so that I can earn a US salary while living in like Thailand or Indonesia or something.’ How that went when COVID started, the answer was not well. So you know, some— some folks have had to change their plans in recent years.
ADAL: You may ask yourself that and also Eric may ask himself, this is not my beautiful life. This is not my beautiful house. How did I get here? The answer is I did it all.
ERIC: Well, it's your fault that the only outfits you let me wear are the big suits I've inherited from you.
ADAL: Ooooh. Sick David Burn.
ERIC: Thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that.
ADAL: Amanda, third and final question. 80% of fund managers consistently underperform index funds. Why do you think people still decide to let these scammers manage their retirement savings?
AMANDA: This is a— such a prescient question. Most people who say ‘oh, I guess someone should manage my money,’ give their money to like your mom's friend Gary or whatever. Or like your dad's friend, Bob.
ERIC: You said Gary was nice. Do not rip Gary in front of Mr. Rifai.
AMANDA: Eric, I think Gary plays a mean game of pickleball and grills a good brat. But I don't want to give him our retirement funds.
ERIC: That— okay, that's for fun.
ADAL: Sorry, he plays a mean game of brat, and he grills a mean pickleball.
AMANDA: You're right.
ADAL: Gary’s a weird duck.
AMANDA: You're right, you're right.
ERIC: Gary kicks people out of community tennis courts, and sets up his grill, and just wants to eat a brat next to a net.
AMANDA: In lots of ways, human beings are less efficient than computers. We have learned this in the millennium. I don't add numbers in my brain, I add them on my, you know, computer calculator program. Because my brain is less reliable than the computer program designed to do that one thing. And so when most people invest their 401ks against, like, a special savings account, but the money doesn't just sit there, you invest it in the stock market. And that allows you to have it grow more than just the, you know, 1% interest that your bank might give you on, say, a savings account. And so what most people should do - this is the— I'm no longer a financial adviser, but what I can say is that this is good advice from me, a person, and you should ask your own financial advisor to do so - is to invest in an index fund, which is basically just like a smart sampling of lots of stuff out there in the stock market, and you get a little tiny bit from every single sector from— from, you know, planes, trains, automobiles—
ADAL: Ooh.
AMANDA: games, foods, beverages, vices, all—all things all over the stock market of different things, there are companies about oil, whatever. So your money grows at kind of the general rate of the economy, which over the last 150 years in the US has been P good over a long period of time. Instead, some people are like, give it to their mom's friend Gary, who buys stocks that he thinks are cool. And most of the time that does not do better than average.
ERIC: Gary loves NRON, because it starts with an N, and he thinks that—and his friend is also Ron, and he calls him ‘Enron.’ And I think that's a fine reason to choose a stock.
AMANDA: You know, Gary can see the signs and do whatever he wants with his money. But my money is in the Vanguard 2055 Retirement Fund, which is just a sampling of the stock market that a computer smartly updates, and importantly, they don't charge the fees that Gary charges. Gary is a person who spends time doing things. And so he might take 4, or 5, 6% of whatever he makes you each year, as you know, compensation for his labor.
ADAL: Sure.
AMANDA: And the computer at Vanguard takes like 0.75%.
ADAL: Oh, this is all wonderful to know. Eric, please go ahead and buy me, I think what I'm hearing here is buy low and sell high. So buy me 500 shares of Lowe's.
ERIC: On it. 500 shares of Lowe's. And would you like to do that through Gary?
ADAL: I don't know. Is Mr. Larson indisposed? Is he driving a semi with a cow laying down in front of it, while another cow sneaks in the back and steals whatever supplies he's carrying in the said semi-truck?
ERIC: There are some chickens that are looking real smug and a person who's pushing on a pull door.
ADAL: Does the person pushing the pull door have a beehive hairdo?
ERIC: He d— uh, she does. Absolutely, yeah.
ADAL: Interesting. Okay. Yeah, let's have Ga— let's run that through Gary.
ERIC: Okay. Well, there's—we're still gonna use Gary, but thank you for your advice, Amanda.
AMANDA: Sure, sure, sure.
ERIC: Yeah. Alright. Those three questions were great. Mr. Rifai, can you please give Amanda some points for the question and answer period?
ADAL: Eric, I think we're on a bit of a roll. So let's keep this hot die going. And I think we give Amanda 10 out of 10. Also, Amanda, you mentioned 1% interest at one point, which is the amount I had in Eric's personal life until I met you. And I find you so interesting and informative and delightful that I— I think you're gonna go for a perfect score of this game.
Amanda: Thank you. Are you saying that retirement plans are more interesting than the movie Grease?
ADAL: Well, no, I didn't— no, I never said that. Now I'm angry.
AMANDA: Ohh, oh, no.
ADAL: Eric, bring me my angry mask.
ERIC: Here it is. Sorry, would you like angry, angry sad, angry crying because you can't get the words out because it's all kind of bottled up inside?
ADAL: Yes, yes, yes. Let's just go for a base angry, just like a normal angry.
ERIC: Okay, here.
ADAL: I'll put this on. Okay. It's a little tight on the back of my head. Did my head gain weight?
ERIC: No, absolutely not. Your face and head are so skinny.
ADAL: Thank you. Amanda, I'm gonna take off this mask because it's uncomfortable. But just—I don't know, play along and assume that I'm angry.
ERIC: Yeah.
AMANDA: Okay.
ERIC: And you can tell— you can say to somebody ‘stop him’ whenever you want.
ADAL: Thank you so much.
AMANDA: Stop him! Stop him!
ADAL: I'm just looking for my mask. Eric, if you don't mind, while I'm still fuming, let's move on over to round four.
ERIC: That is round four, the wheel of extraordinary challenges.
ADAL: Yes, yes, yes. I've instructed my manservant to prepare a few wacky minigames, like a putt-putt course, here to test your intellectual and creative mettle. Manservant, what do we have today?
ERIC: Well, we have a head-to-head challenge. Mr. Rifai, I know you've been doing those improv classes online.
ADAL: Yes. Give me a suggestion, anything at all.
ERIC: Octopus?
ADAL: No, something else.
ERIC: Crayon?
ADAL: Can—go ahead and just say ‘Dr. Farts.’
ERIC: Dr. Farts.
ADAL: [In a weird accent] Hello, my name is Dr. Farts, and I'll be your doctor today.
ERIC: Incredible. I'm so glad that you gave Steve Martin all those— all that money. Absolutely incredible.
ADAL: Arrow through the head should have killed them.
Amanda: Did it come with banjo lessons, or is that kind of 201?
ADAL: No, please, no. Don't ever bring up Steve Martin and Banjo again. Please.
AMANDA: Oh no.
ADAL: No one wants to pay $74 plus Ticketmaster fees to see you play bluegrass, my dude.
ERIC: He pays you to let him talk about art within—it's like a bonus if you just like want to hang around for 30 minutes if you could just talk about art for a second.
ADAL: Exactly.
ERIC: Yeah. It's sad because that happened in real life. This game is called ‘help me, I'm poor.’
AMANDA: Oh no!
ADAL: I can't relate to this game.
ERIC: No, that's why you're gonna be playing the—this is an opportunity for you to step into the roles of other people. Mr. Rifai, using his new improvisational comedic knowledge, is going to become some characters who need help planning their retirements. I'm— Mr. Rifai, I'm going to give you the characters. We have five characters—
ADAL: Okay.
ERIC: —for a possible of five points each.
AMANDA: Okay.
ERIC: And Amanda, you get the point— up to five points if you help them as much as— if you help them as much as possible. Okay?
AMANDA: Incredible.
ERIC: Wonderful.
ADAL: This will allow me to dip into my bag of accents. Eric, please bring me my bag of accents.
[Eric grunts]
ADAL: Ooh, and I haven't opened this since ‘87. Can't do this one, can't do that one. This one, better safe than sorry. Can't do this one. Oh boy, not a lot left. Irish and whoa, not even that one.
ERIC: You can—you do—do the one marked ‘question mark, question mark, question mark,’ that one's fine.
ADAL: I think Cajun’s still good, right?
ERIC: I think Cajun is still good. Amanda does not think Cajun is still good.
AMANDA: I think Cajun is a little bit dicey. I think it’s a little bit dicey.
ERIC: We— this is a— it is a long-standing argument we’ve had.
AMANDA: It’s a conversation we’ve had, yeah.
ERIC: I think Cajun is very funny. Amanda does not think that Cajun is very funny.
ADAL: I’ll stick to Appalachian.
AMANDA: Okay, good.
ERIC: Yeah, no, that's fine. I think that works. Okay, so I'm gonna read out the person for you, Mr. Rifai.
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: You begin the conv— you step into— Amanda, let's say that you've set up a Lucy from Peanuts style—
AMANDA: Oh, yeah.
ERIC: —side of the road lemonade stand, but for retirements. ‘The financial investor is in, five cents.’
ADAL: Love it.
ERIC: Right. Okay.
ADAL: We think Lucy set that up on the side of a road? I don't know.
AMANDA: Like a sidewalk, right?
ERIC: I—well, I guess it depends what year we think it is.
ADAL: That's a great way for Lucy to get kidnapped.
ERIC: If those parks are gone and have been turned into parking lots.
AMANDA: Eyy, eyy.
ERIC: Like if they had paved the paradise—
ADAL: Yeah.
ERIC: —then I guess it's on the side of the road.
ADAL: I forgot the story where Charles Schultz put Lucy in a cage under a bed for six years.
AMANDA: Oh, no.
ERIC: That is a—that is Snoopy's room you are remembering. Snoopy's room.
AMANDA: Prestigious movie.
ERIC: It's the Great Kidnapper, Charlie Brown, a different, alternate title.
AMANDA: A lot of Oscar buzz.
ERIC: Jacob Tremblay was incredible as Pigpen.
ADAL: Oh, yes. Yeah, Tour de Force.
ERIC: That's fuckin’ stupid. Oh, okay. So I have five people that I'm going to have Mr. Rifai embody, and they are going to walk up to your roa—to your setup in a beautiful park, roadside.
ADAL: I think park, I think park is good.
ERIC: It's a park, it is—
ADAL: It's probably in a— in a park in view of her parents.
ERIC: Her parents are nearby, they're going blah, blah, blah to each other. And you can do this. Okay.
AMANDA: Cool.
ERIC: First person, Mr. Rifai, you are a college junior who's never had to pay off their own credit card, thinking about their retirement.
AMANDA: Oh, great.
ADAL: I'm a college junior who's never had to pay off their own credit card. Rapapapam. You know you need unique New York. Okay. [In New York accent] Hey excuse me, my name is Philip Microsoft, and I've never had the—sorry, my name is Philip Microsoft Jr. [In a normal accent] There you go, Eric, I'm a Jr.
AMANDA: Ohh.
ERIC: Yeah, I—I got it.
AMANDA: Hi.
ADAL: [In accent] And I've never— oh I'm walking here. I've never— financing here— I've never paid off my own credit card.
AMANDA: How lucky Philip, I'm so glad to hear that. You must be in pretty good financial situation right now.
ADAL: Takes off shirt, yes I am.
AMANDA: Alright Philip, I am married so you can— you can—we can back that off right there.
ADAL: Okay.
AMANDA: But I want to suggest that you know, next time—do you have like a part-time job? Do you have like a work-study job? Do you have any—anything that you're doing right now for work?
ADAL: [In accent] I am currently the CEO of mind your business enterprises. That— sorry, that just means that I travel, I'm a bit of a jet setter.
AMANDA: Sure, well, you know, when you do get an employer and can access some employer matched retirement contributions, that'll be a great thing for you to do. But in the meantime, your first financial priority should really be making sure you have some savings, little safety net in case you know, you have an emergency, need some money to access that should be really your first checklist. And uh you know, from there, you could open an IRA, an Individual Retirement Account, and—and save a little bit of money now—
ADAL: Ohhh. Yeahhh.
AMANDA: —that you pay taxes on in the future. And that is a great option for students like yourself is a Roth IRA, where because your income is pretty low, I'm presuming, no offense here.
ADAL: [In accent] No, none taken.
AMANDA: Oh, sure. And you're—you can stop flexing, I'm sorry. Um, and, you can put—
ADAL: [In accent] I'm not flexing.
AMANDA: —you can do a Roth IRA. So we're taking advantage of the fact that you're not taxed very highly right now as a student—
ADAL: Yeah, yeah.
AMANDA: —and put away money you've already paid taxes on, so later in the future when you take it out, don't gotta pay taxes on that, whatsoever.
ADAL: [In accent] Oh, that sounds pretty good. You mentioned getting a safety net, like the circus.
ERIC: And, scene. Incredible.
ADAL: Oh, wow.
ERIC: Character number two, you are a 59-year-old electrical engineer from New York City. You can be Krang, if you want to, as well.
ADAL: Okay. Rapapapapum. Red leather, yellow leather. [In the same New York accent] Excuse me. Eyy, I'm 59-year-old electrical something from somewhere. Can you help me out?
AMANDA: Certainly, sir. What would you like some advice on? Are you planning to retire anytime in the next few years?
ADAL: [In accent] Oh, that would be great. By 65, if possible, like the Beatles said.
AMANDA: Incredible. And where you work, do you have a retirement plan set up now? Is your employer paying in any kind of a pension fund or retirement? Because if you haven't yet, there are such things as— called Catch Up Contributions, where if you haven't had the chance to put any money toward retirement yet because you are over a certain age, you are actually allowed to re— to contribute more than you normally would. To help you set yourself up well for retirement.
ADAL: [In accent] Oh, ketchup. Smack the bottom of the bottle is what I do. Takes off shirt. Listen, this has been very helpful and I appreciate your time. Flicks you a nickel, because that's what your sign asks for.
AMANDA: Oh, thank you so much. That is great. I am going to go ahead and put it in my individual retirement account. And you—
ADAL: [In accent] Wow.
AMANDA: —ask your employer about Catch Up Contributions, because now is a really important time to make sure you're set up for your future.
ADAL: [In accent] I absolutely will. And let me give you some advice. You stay in this park and never—never give advice by the roadside. Can you promise me that? Stay here, never go to the roadside.
ERIC: And, scene. Alright. Let’s go, that was great. Perfect. These—these lessons are sparkling on you.
ADAL: Let's go ahead and go to character—let's combine characters three and four actually, Eric.
ERIC: Okay, let's do characters three and four. So you're—okay, you are a millennial who's trying to buy a house at a discount because it's haunted, but you also won the lottery and you took it as a full lu— as a lump sum.
AMANDA: Ohh.
ERIC: Instead of the monthly payments.
AMANDA: Great.
ADAL: Okay, okay. Big pig, small pig, big pig, small pig. [In the same accent as before] Excuse me, I'm a millennial and uh—I bought a house from this Count Dracula, it's haunted and uh—
AMANDA: Is Dracula going to be your roommate? Because having a—a tenant in your home, you know, you could potentially have some income as you're paying off your mortgage there.
ADAL: [In accent] Oh, I don't know if he'll be living with me, but I think he left his casket in my attic.
AMANDA: Got it. Good. Well, if you need to uh you know—
ADAL: [In accent] Could charge him for storage.
AMANDA: You—you could if you wanted to, yes.
ADAL: [In accent] Yeah.
AMANDA: —or could do a favor for a friend. But you know that—congratulations, I read recently that you— that you won the lottery.
ADAL: [In accent] That's what it was!
ERIC: [In vampire accent] Wait— Jimmy, you told me this was a home office, I don't know if I can sleep here. Blahh!
ADAL: [In accent] Oh boy, sorry my roommate’s here. Takes off cape. I'm a Dracula too now. Covers up neck.
ERIC: [In accent] Well, we've— I bit him, but now maybe we're thinking about getting married for the tax benefits and for no other reason. Vah!
AMANDA: Well, if your lives might be longer than you planned on, it is doubly important to invest for your retirement. There are actually such things as lifetime annuities where you can buy basically the right to get a payment for every year of your life as long as you live. And I don't think there are upper limits to most of those things. So that might actually be really worth looking into for you both.
ADAL: [In accent] Now we're talking turkey. Scene.
ERIC: I feel like we're—what—we like went into a high school to teach them about drugs and that’s what we’re doing.
ADAL: Yeah. And I did—while we were doing that scene, I'm so sorry. I ripped a phone book in half.
ERIC: It was great and you did it with the power of the lord and I'm really proud of you.
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: Alright. We have one final scene. Sir, are you ready to do one more?
ADAL: Okay. Yeah, I think I can power through without a break this time.
ERIC: Okay.
AMANDA: Wow.
ERIC: You are an 11-year-old YouTuber who is very popular and very rich. His parents are trying to quote “manage his money”, but he wants to spend all of his—all of his hard-earned cash on Pokemon cards, which he says are a sound investment.
ADAL: Okay, okay, lather, lather, blather, lather. Okay, I'm ready. [In the same accent as before] Aye, excuse me, I'm an 11-year-old YouTuber by the name of Donkey Butt. Uh, my—
AMANDA: It’s funny every time.
ERIC: I know [unintelligible].
ADAL: [In accent] —my videos have hundreds of thousands of millions of views and I have lots of money, my parents are trying to whisk it away from me and risk it all in the stock market. I want to buy Pokemons. Can you help me?
AMANDA: I absolutely can. Huge fan of your work.
ADAL: [In accent] Oh, thank you. What's your favorite Donkey Butt?
AMANDA: My favorite Donkey Butt is probably the butt of the donkey I saw last, because I think they're all really cute.
ADAL: [In accent] Yes. Well, I tried to pin the tail on my cousin.
AMANDA: Okay. I think that it's a good idea—
ADAL: [In accent] Takes off shirt.
AMANDA: Please, you're a child, we're in public, let's not do that.
ERIC: [In accent] Donkey, put your shirt back on!
ADAL: [In accent] I'm filming a—
ERIC: [In accent] Let me manage your money!
ADAL: [In accent] Sorry about my mom. She's a real donkey butt.
ERIC: [In accent] I have a different channel, Donkey Butt’s Mom, that's different, our branding's different.
AMANDA: Donkey Butt, I think it'd be really great to meet with your parents, because unfortunately, children really have no rights under current US law.
ADAL: Hmmm.
AMANDA: And so you know, while you can't have assets, [Adal starts laughing in character] your parents are responsible for whatever money you're making right now. And with a financial planner, you all can set up a system where you have an LLC, maybe a trust, because you're a child, your parents can have 529 plans to not pay money on some of the— I sense that I said something that's funny to you that I didn’t–
ERIC: [In accent] You said it, you said one of the funny numbers.
ADAL: [In accent] You also said assets. Hehehe.
AMANDA: I see. I should have known that from your channel. You're—you're right, I'm a little behind on my sub box. But it's uh— it's— it's important when you have a complex financial situation in case of inheritance, of child support, of a child that makes money, of you know, whatever it might be, to meet with a certified financial planner, CFP, somebody who is obligated to give you good sound financial advice. Who, unlike Gary, Eric's mom's friend, is not getting paid by percentage of the money that you earn.
ADAL: [In accent] Sure.
AMANDA: But just gets—just a flat fee like a lawyer for consulting them and asking for their advice and getting their services. So setting up a— an LLC, some 529 plans, maybe a trust for you when you get older, some, you know, savings that can go toward your education. That'll be a really great way to make sure your money is taken care of.
ADAL: [In accent] Huh. So I don't have to catch them all.
AMANDA: You know—
ERIC: [In a different accent] No, you should catch ‘em all with me, Gary. Takes off shirt. Don't you like this?
ADAL: [In accent] Now we're talking. Scene.
AMANDA: I sense a collaboration in the future.
ADAL: Huh. Wow, that felt— felt really good. Those classes paid off. Eric, why don't we go ahead and score that round? I'm gonna go ahead and say 25 out of 25.
ERIC: Now, does that still count because you combined two people together?
ADAL: I think so. I think yes. I think it was a complex enough scene with the infor— juggling the information that I think it deserves a full 10 points for that.
ERIC: That's true–
AMANDA: Thank you.
ERIC:—Amanda did remember that—that this person did in fact do the lottery and you did not. So I think that those 5 points are worth it.
ADAL: Yeah, and she took a genuine interest in my Dracula.
AMANDA: You know, I just— I sense opportunities everywhere, what can I say?
ERIC: Wonderful. Alright, well, that gives you 55 points right now,
ADAL: I realized all the characters I did were basically Kenickie.
ERIC: That's true.
ADAL: You know your typical 38-year-old high school accent.
AMANDA: Uh-huh.
ERIC: Definitely needs financial advice.
AMANDA: Yes.
ERIC: He's invested only in hickeys, which are–
ADAL: Hickeys and Eskimo pies.
ERIC: They're all depreciating, they're depreciating assets.
ADAL: Um, and I'm gonna go ahead and say, unlike the online classes that I did in improv, where anytime I put it on an accent, my scene partner would mirror it back to me, making me get terribly self-conscious. Amanda, you didn't do that, so I'm gonna give you an additional, let's say 20 points.
AMANDA: Thank you so much, sir, much appreciated.
ADAL: You're so welcome.
ERIC: Incredible. That brings you to a total of 75 points. Incredible.
AMANDA: Nice. Which I think is the upper limit at which you have to start accessing your 401k, might be 75 or 76. The government makes you do it if you haven't done it yet.
ERIC: That's written somewhere. I think that's—that’s close. I think it's written somewhere the number of ages that I had. But you—
AMANDA: Nice.
ERIC: —but you uh, threw my book, you ripped it in half and threw it out the window when you said, ‘hey, kid this is what you really need to learn,’ so I don't have those notes anymore.
ADAL: Whoopsie daisy, well, that brings us to the end of our retirement. I'm afraid—
ERIC: Mr. Rifai, I don't want to embarrass you in front of my wife.
ADAL: Then don't. Also, what happened to saying ‘my wife’ in the Borat fashion?
ERIC: Wow. That's right. [In Borat accent] My wi—
AMANDA: Mr. Rifai, in our post-nuptial agreement, we've agreed to a limit of one Borat ‘my wife’ reference per day,
ADAL: Smart. Smart.
ERIC: I wasted mine in the beginning of this episode.
AMANDA: I guess it's been seven days since we started recording. So, Eric, you know what, I'm sorry, that was my bad.
ERIC: That's true. [In Borat accent] My wife. [In regular accent] And I don't want you to embarrass yourself in front of her again.
ADAL: Thank you. And also I never signed this agreement. Tell me about [in Borat accent] your wife. [In regular accent] That doesn't work as well with ‘your.’
ERIC: No, that's fair.
AMANDA: We have found that it works well if you say [in Borat accent] ‘yo wife.’
ERIC: If Sacha Baron Cohen had done it, I—we're gonna follow the letter of the law.
AMANDA: You're right, you're right.
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: It's like, the author is dead, but I'd like to take the text as written.
ADAL: Although–
AMANDA: Okay.
ADAL: I do think if we slip into German, [in Borat accent] meine frau [in regular accent] sounds pretty good.
AMANDA: That's good. That is pretty good.
ADAL: Yeah.
AMANDA: That's a unique intellectual property that you can copyright and patent.
ERIC: That's German Borat, that's good.
AMANDA: It's pretty good.
ADAL: Oh, yes, Eric, sorry you were saying something about not wanting to embarrass me?
ERIC: Yeah, we just have one more thi—we have the— there's— we have one more segment we have to do.
ADAL: [Chuckles like Donkey Butt] Embarr-ass. [In regular accent] Yo, what's the final segment?
ERIC: We'll it's—where you do [mumbles]
ADAL: Oh, that's right.
ERIC: Yeah.
ADAL: One more thing!
AMANDA; Oohhh.
ADAL: For a final bonus point, Amanda, you will answer this random trivia question about the world's most perfect film, Grease.
AMANDA: I'm ready.
ADAL: In the script for the movie Grease, how many times is the word ‘grease’ spoken aloud?
AMANDA: Oh, man. Ah, I am really torn between very few and very many. Let's split the difference at 50.
ADAL: Ooh, you are off by 50 exactly.
AMANDA: Noooo!
ADAL: Zero times. In the song Greased Lightning, they say ‘greased,’ not ‘grease.’
AMANDA: Ohh.
ADAL: In the opening credits, there's of course ‘grease' is the word, but we weren't counting that. We're just talking about the movie script itself. But it is never said–
AMANDA: Gotcha.
ADAL: —aloud in the script.
AMANDA: I'm surprised people don't ask each other for their ‘hair grease product’ over and over again.
ADAL: Yeah, that is interesting.
ERIC: Yeah.
AMANDA: Right on.
ERIC: They should have said that is like, Sandy should have been like, ‘oh, I recognized you by the grease in your hair.’
AMANDA: Right. Or in the mechanic like [in bad Italian accent] ‘oh, but Kenickie, you're covered in uh grease?’
ERIC: Super ma—was Chris Pratt’s Super Mario in that?
AMANDA: Yeah.
ERIC: Yeah, that's pretty good.
ADAL: And of course, well, there's the moment where Frenchie wants to go abroad. But she says—
AMANDA: Yeah.
ADAL: —she's going to Athens, specifically.
AMANDA: That's true.
ERIC: That's really funny. I didn’t even think of that.
ADAL: To have a bit of a Mamma Mia situation.
AMANDA: Yeah, yeah that's true. And beauty school dropouts don't need to like, you know, grease the slides to success because they've already jumped off.
ADAL: Yeah, exactly. Thank you for understanding. Well, let's take a look at the high scoreboard. Eric, where do we stand?
ERIC: Alright, let's look at the big board. Now that we have five episodes of Tell Me About It, our high score is fully filled out and next time someone is going to not be on the podcast anymore.
AMANDA: I hope it’s Legos. Fuck you, Matt!
ADAL: Thank you. Extra point. O—one more point for Amanda.
AMANDA: Weee!
ERIC: One more point - that brings Amanda up to 76, which is great. At the bottom of the high score list, in fifth, JPC, talking about the Witcher, got 69.69 points.
AMANDA: Good.
ERIC: Uh, very organic, it was definitely worth scoring.
ADAL: Apropos. Yes.
ERIC: Yep. Coming in fourth, Matt Young, who's really taken a beating during this episode, got 72 Points.
AMANDA: Matt, I really respect your work, I thought your episode was really good.
ERIC: Janet Varney is in third, with 73.6666 repeating points, though Janet had 52.666 repeating points at the end, and then Adal bumped her up. So I just had to write down both scores. But she is holding it down in third place after talking about miniatures. Amanda, you are now our second-highest score, with 76 points, discussing retirement plans. But Dr. Moiya McTier, discussing exoplanets, continues to be out of this world, with 5,075 points.
ADAL: Huh, that doesn't sound right, but I guess I said it.
AMANDA: You know, I think, on balance, planets outside of our own are a little more important than our, you know, individual retirement plans.
ADAL: I think so. Amanda, thank you so much for coming on the show, you're an absolute delight. Do you have anything that you would like to plug?
AMANDA: I think that if you enjoy the dynamic of me talking fast and doing jazz hands verbally, you'll really enjoy Join the Party, the Dungeons and Dragons actual play podcast that Eric runs and I'm a player on.
ADAL: Very cool. Eric, do you have anything you want to mention?
ERIC: I'd like to mention, thanks for giving me 25 days out of the year to hang out with my wife.
ADAL: Awww—
AMANDA: Wheeee!
ADAL: —you're welcome. Well, that's all for this episode of Tell Me About It. Tune in next week for more accents, Tim Roth stories, and more of Eric's wives, I assume?
AMANDA: [laughs] Wait!
ERIC: Nooo.
AMANDA: Runs off-screen with a hammer in my hand.
ERIC: No, Mr. Rafai!
ADAL: Say goodbye, Eric.
ERIC: Goodbye, Eric.
[theme]
Transcriptionist: KA
Editor: KM
Proofreader: SR