Jeffrey Cranor Loves the Dallas Cowboys!
Jeffrey Cranor (Welcome to Night Vale, Unlicensed, Random Horror 9) is here to prove that the Dallas Cowboys are more interesting than the movie musical Grease. Once this episode is over, we’ll be known as… America’s (podcast) team.
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Cast & Crew
- Hosts: Adal Rifai & Eric Silver
- Producer: Eric Silver
- Editor: Mischa Stanton
- Created by: Eric Silver & Mischa Stanton
- Theme Song: Arne Parrott
- Artwork: Shae McMullin
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Tell Me About It is a madcap game show about proving that the things you like are actually interesting and cool. Adal Rifai is an eccentric billionaire who forces someone new every episode to share, argue, and defend the thing they love the most. He’s wrangled his audio butler Eric to lead the contestant through a series of absurd challenges and games, all to gain points and get on the Most Interesting Thing High Score Board. Tell Me About It: the most fun podcast run by a multibillionaire. New episodes every other Thursday.
Transcript
[theme]
ADAL: Welcome to Tell Me About It, a game show about proving the things you love are actually interesting and fun. I am Adal Rifai, local eccentric multi-billionaire, and I'm still looking for someone to show me something that is better and more interesting than the movie Grease. And I doubt that we'll find it. Though I'm not doing this by myself, please welcome my butler and failed Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, Eric Silver.
ERIC: Okay, that was a misunderstanding. I thought it was for Blue Man Group. But then they said it was kind of like a Blue Man Group, it was more like a Blue Women Group. And I didn't want to enforce the gender binary, so I just kind of went along with it. I did make it to the second round, so I feel like ‘failed’ is a little bit of a stretch.
ADAL: You're like a binary in a coal mine.
ERIC: Well yes, but I go— I go in there and then I come out and be like, ‘those are— that's non bin—non binary thing. That— that coal mine? That’s she/they pronouns.’
ADAL: Now Eric, to maintain being my butler and manservant I would like you to go through some paces. Can you do the splits for me, please?
ERIC: Yes, absolutely.
ADAL: Okay.
ERIC: [grunts] I can do it, I can do it.
ADAL: Until a pop, I want to hear a pop.
ERIC: [bone popping] [coughs]
ADAL: Perfect. And now just a triple backflip.
ERIC: I can't— I can't after the first one—
ADAL: Okay.
ERIC: —it's too much. Yeah.
ADAL: Pick up—pick up those pom poms, please.
ERIC: Okay.
ADAL: And just make up a little cheer for me, just a little song, and make sure you rhyme my name, but you can't use ‘saddle.’
ERIC: Oh no, I can't use ‘saddle’?
ADAL: Nope.
ERIC: But, it's way— was related to all of this thing about Dallas Cowboys. Okay.
ADAL: It's overdone, it's overdone.
ERIC: Okay, absolutely. Your name needs to be the rhyme?
ADAL: Yes, please.
ERIC: Okay. Give me an A, give me a D, give me an A again, give me an L, what’s that spell? Adal, who pays—pays for my paychecks, and… fiddle— and no fiddle-faddle.
ADAL: Okay.
ERIC: He doesn't faff—
ADAL: Alright.
ERIC: —around. Billionaires made all of their— made all their money by working hard and waking up at 5 am, hooray!
ADAL: Thank you for speaking the truth. Yeah, I feel like when people rhyme my name, number one, it's ‘saddle.’
ERIC: Okay.
ADAL: Number two, it's ’fiddle-faddle.’ Number three is ‘cattle,’ which again, is looping back to cowboys. and number four would be ‘addled,’ like being ad—
ERIC: That's not a rhyme.
ADAL: —addle brained?
ERIC: And listen, I know that you pay for my existence, but I'll tell you - that's not a rhyme, that last one. And those people are wrong.
ADAL: Thank you. And it's also— I feel like it's a— it's not a bad term, but it's not something you want to be associated with.
ERIC: No, that's fair. I don't know—if you could just give me the moment, I can't believe you're complaining about how few rhymes there are for your name. I'm glad there are any.
ADAL: Well Adal, of course, German for ‘noble,’ although I am not German.
ERIC: Yeah, no that's fair.
ADAL: You did know that, right Eric? Right, Eric?
ERIC: Yeah. I did—I did know that. Hold on, I gotta pop my knees back in.
ADAL: Perfect.
ERIC: [popping bones] Ohh!
ADAL: Please get me my crown.
ERIC: Which do—which one do you want? You want the gold one? The silver one, the thorn?
ADAL: I want the edible crown this— this day.
ERIC: Okay, absolutely.
ADAL: Thank you.
ERIC: Hey, here's the gingerbread one, put it on your head, there it is.
ADAL: Okay, perfect. Thank you so much, thank you so much.
ERIC: It looks nice.
ADAL: Now tell me I'm a big important boy.
ERIC: You're a big important boy whose name—
ADAL: Thank you.
ERIC: And your name rhymes with more than three words.
ADAL: Thank you, that's all I wanted! Eric, who do we have on the docket today?
ERIC: We have podcast creator of Welcome to Night Vale, Unlicensed, and Within the Wires - give it up for everyone's favorite little cowboy, Jeffrey Cranor!
ADAL: Ooooh!
JEFFREY: Yee-haw!
ADAL: Now did you say yee-haw, or hee-haw? Because I was an early investor in Hee Haw.
JEFFREY: It was Y/H at the beginning there. It can be taken both ways.
ADAL: It can be both. I like tha— I like that, and I like you. Jeffrey, thank you so much for joining us today. Now correct me if I'm wrong, you are originally from Texas?
JEFFREY: I am. I grew up in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas, in Mesquite - is the name of my hometown.
ADAL: That sounds like the most Texas na— If someone were to say ‘name a city in Texas that isn't Dallas, San Antonio, or Houston,’ I would probably panic and say, ‘I don't know, fucking Mesquite?’ So it's gla— it's glad to know I'm correct. My next one would be—
JEFFREY: Yeah.
ADAL: —Slow Cooker Smoker, Texas umm—
JEFFREY: Uh-huh.
ADAL: —Drippings Backfat, Texas. I want to say Brisket, Texas—
JEFFREY: F-150, Texas was the closest suburb to me.
ADAL: Thank you so much. Now, Jeffrey—
ERIC: I knew someone—
ADAL: —Texas barbecue—
ERIC: I knew someone who— oh, I'm sorry.
ADAL: Sorry Eric, I'm in the middle of talking about barbecue.
ERIC: Oh, I was gonna say Rootin’ Tootin’, Texas was where I grew up. Okay, you go.
ADAL: Thank you. A&W, Texas; Dr. Pepper, Texas. Jeffrey, Texas barbecue is a lot of beef.
JEFFREY: Mm-hmmm.
ADAL: And I hear— a little birdie told me Franklin's is the best barbecue in Texas. Is this correct?
JEFFREY: I have not had Franklin's yet. When I have— last— when I was last in Austin, it was a place that you had to wait in a long line for.
ADAL: Sure.
JEFFREY: They do not have closing hours other than ‘whenever we run out of food.’
ADAL: Smart.
JEFFREY: So I never made it to Franklin's. There was a place - I think it's still around - in Dallas called Pecan Lodge, Pecan Lodge, and it is— it is not quite as deep with the line, but absolutely delicious. So to me, Pecan Lodge was— is my favorite barbecue in Texas. Having not had Franklin's, but I have heard that it is the best.
ADAL: Good to know. Eric, please order me through Platinumbelly. I don't suffer Goldbelly, Platinumbelly, of course, is way better. Please Platinumbelly me some Pecan Lodge.
ERIC: On it. I'm gonna take out the secret iPhone 20, it's the double x. Bip bap boop. Yeah, it's on the way.
ADAL: Yeah. So Platinumbelly, in case you don't know because you're not a billionaire, that's where they medicvac over some barbecue to you, any food you want in the world really. So it's choppered over to you within 30 minutes, or it's free.
ERIC: Well, it's medicvac, so it comes over in an ambulance, right?
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: Yeah.
ADAL: They bring it out on a stretcher, it's usually in a cooler next to some hearts and livers and kidneys. Pop those on the grill, delicious.
ERIC: And they warm it up with the defibrillator. Everyone needs to clear, and then [makes defibrillator sound] and then it's delicious.
ADAL: And then they’ll defibrill it later. Uh, Jeffrey, what are you here to talk to us about?
JEFFREY: I want to talk to you about the Dallas Cowboys football franchise.
ADAL: Oooohh.
ERIC: I don't know how you did it, but my entire recording setup is American flags.
JEFFREY: Mm-hmmm.
ERIC: It's—they just came out of nowhere. Hold up, I have to move them out of the way, it's blocking my screen. Jesus, okay.
ADAL: Well, I am fascinated to lear— I—I, let's see. I'm a very casual sports fan. I would say in all honesty, the one team I root heartily for would be another Dallas team, the Dallas Mavericks. So the Dallas Cowboys would be their sister team, so I'm very curious to learn about this, Jeffrey. Thank you so much for bringing this topic into my throne room. I of course have a gingerbread crown. Please recognize that at all times, but also be yourself.
JEFFREY: It looks delicious. Can I have a piece of that crown?
ADAL: Absolutely. Because you asked, you get it.
JEFFREY: Okay, thank you. I'll just— I'll just clip a piece off of there. Thank you so much, sir.
ADAL: There you go. And you can actually eat that or plant it. Those clippings will grow into a new crown.
JEFFREY: Oh, great like a— oh a gingerbread crown tree?
ADAL: Uh-huh, absolutely, if you prefer.
JEFFREY: That's one of in—the indigenous trees to Texas.
ADAL: Wohohoho.
[Laughter]
JEFFREY: Like Mesquite.
ADAL: Good to know, good to know. Eric, why don't we go ahead and mosey on in to round one?
ERIC: Oh, I see what you did there, because it's the Cowboys. Okay, that was very good. I get that.
ADAL: Whenever I use a term, like you did with rootin’ tootin’, you don't have to say ‘I see what you did there.’ I feel like that's a little insulting. That's like if I said something and you went ‘whomp whomp.’
ERIC: No, I was trying to be extra nice!
ADAL: No need to do that.
ERIC: No! I was throwing myself at your feet. I can't find the line between being rude and being a— being a supplicant. Shit. It's all these American flags. A bomber just dropped it on my hand, I'm very disoriented. Alright, we're gonna go right to round one. Round one, Just Tell Me About It. Jeffrey, this is your opportunity to tell us about your favorite thing, the Dallas Cowboys. I have 10 foundational points about the Cowboys that I put together from wikipedia.com.
JEFFREY: Okay.
ERIC: And you're—just tell us, give us an overview of your topic in 5 minutes. You're gonna get points for each bullet that you touch on that I have here, and you get extra points if you tickle Adal's fancy, but it's— that's pretty NSFW, honestly.
JEFFREY: I've never been able to find the fancy.
ADAL: Or if you sing ‘here's your last chance, fancy,’ I want to say?
JEFFREY: Yeah, don’t let me down.
ADAL: That's a song right? Thank you, thank you. Yeah.
ERIC: Or if you just make them sound interesting and cool, alright? I'm gonna put 5 minutes on the clock. Jeffrey, all you have to— just tell us about the Dallas Cowboys. We’re— it's gonna be a conversation. You're— that's all you have to do. [Background music starts]
JEFFREY: I would say the Dallas Cowboys are the jewel in the gingerbread crown of the National Football League.
ADAL: [laughs] Yes, please.
JEFFREY: They are the centerpiece, much like the New York Yankees of Major League—
ADAL: Mmmm.
JEFFREY: —Baseball, or the Los Angeles Lakers of the NBA or Manchester United of English football. I think the Dallas Cowboys, while they are not necessarily the team with the most championship wins, most Super Bowl wins, they are certainly the flashiest and most exciting team, year in and year out. Whether it's a good year or a bad year. Many years, to the point of this recor— of this meeting, we are nearly 30 years removed from their last championship, but every single year is fascinating and interesting. Their history is much shorter than some older teams like the Cardinals or the Bears. But in their 50 plus years of being on this earth, the Dallas Cowboys have been innovators, with their first coach Tom Landry, who invented the flex defense, which has sort of morphed into the zone defense these days. He mastered the art of the shotgun offensive formation with his—with his young naval officer quarterback Roger Staubach in the 1960s.
ADAL: 10 hut!
JEFFREY: And um— there were— there were so many— there are so many interesting innovations that came out of the Dallas Cowboys. They were— they were one of the first teams to recruit Latin American soccer players to be NFL kickers. They were— they were also the first to start recruiting track athletes to play wide receiver. So the Dallas Cowboys under Tom Landry back in the 60s and 70s really opened up the NFL passing game, which is kind of where the NFL is today. And then later, after Tom Landry was fired from his job in 1989, by current owner Jerry Jones. Jerry Jones, for all of his many faults— well, I don't want to say faults, he's a fellow billionaire of yours, Adal. I know—
ADAL: Thank you. Good, good friend.
JEFFREY: —you're all very close friends. But Jerry Jones has been an innovator both—both in terms of the economy of the NFL, like opening up advertising and television channels, and also regularly keeping the storyline exciting. So if you're a Dallas Cowboy fan, unlike almost any other team, you're going to have losing seasons, but those losing seasons will be filled with new stories every single day of the week. Is it a wide receiver getting busted for heroin? Maybe. Is it a DUI charge? Who even knows? Is it a child we didn't hear about, who is fully grown? Sure, that's a story that can happen too. And this is always exciting.
ERIC: The—the way you're describing it is like Jerry Jones is like Vince McMahon and like put that in the news. He like wrote that in to make sure that you had—you were gonna have a good time enduring the 7 and 10 seasons.
JEFFREY: It's absolutely true. And so the Dallas Cowboys give you a range of emotions. Much of that range recently has been disappointment. But I do know that, as I am nearly 50 years old, I do know that it can go right back on up to extreme elation. And uh— it's yeah, so I think they're a really fun, exciting team. They've had some of the most famous and storied players in NFL history, from Roger Staubach to the all time leading rusher, Emmitt Smith, to the world's fastest man, ‘Bullet’ Bob Hayes. To people like Troy Aikman and Michael Irvin and that— the triplets of the— of the 1990s, winning three out of four Super Bowls, the— the first team to ever do that. So yeah, I—I love the Dallas Cowboys. I think they’re so much fun. They teach you a lot of humility, which I think is also very, very, very important. [Background music ends]
ADAL: Wonderful. Jeffrey, this is fantastic. Now, a few bonus points I want to award immediately. You mentioned two things that are staples of Texas. You mentioned ranges, you said there's a wide range, and of course we all know open ranges, home on the range is a big Texas institution. And you also mentioned ‘Bullet’ Bob someone. And of course bullets are a big part of Texas, so we'll give you 2 bonus points for that. I do have to immediately take away one of your bonus points, because you said that Emmitt Smith is the all time Russian leader. Now to me, Vladimir Lenin is the all time Russian leader. I don't know how many yards he has, but I have to assume quite a lot. So we do have to take away one of your bonus points.
JEFFREY: I would have put you as more of a— of a Putin guy rather than that.
ADAL: Well, I was until I saw him shirtless on a horse and then I was out, hard out.
ERIC: I'm a fan of that guy with a really good big birthmark on his head. I think that's neat.
ADAL: Ohh, uh—
JEFFREY: Gorbachev.
ADAL: I want to say Gorbachev.
ERIC: Oh, I don't need to know his name.
JEFFREY: Yeah.
ERIC: I just thought— I just thought it was neat.
ADAL: Great. Now I want pork-a-chops. Jeffrey, what a fascinating rundown of the Dallas Cowboys. Eric, can we go ahead and give a score for how many bullet points Jeffrey got correct in this first round?
ERIC: Absolutely. Jeffrey, you still have an extra 1 minute before we give you your points. So you do—
ADAL: Ohhhh, one minute warning.
ERIC: You—it's a one minute warning, you—you have to use all your timeouts, don't waste it. Tell me who is your favorite team of the Dallas Cowboys? Do you have one that sits in your heart specifically? [background music starts]
JEFFREY: I mean, I'm always gonna go back to the— the 1992 Dallas Cowboys team, that was— that was the first Super Bowl win for Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, Michael Irvin, Jay Novacek, that entire team. Ken Norton, Jr. People like that. There—there are so many amazing players on that team. They were— they were very dominant, and this was a team that in 1989 with these exact same players, only won one game the entire season.
ADAL: Wow!
JEFFREY: And within— within 4 years, they were winning a Super Bowl. And so, from the firing of Tom Landry in 1989, which was really tragic, and Tom Landry, in his last few years had not been winning much at all. But it was also really, really upsetting to see the coach of nearly 30 years, dismissed from his job under new ownership. And the new ownership and his college head— head coach Jimmy Johnson said, ‘we'll—we'll win a Super Bowl in 5 years,’ and they did it in 4. And it was dominant, and that was the Super Bowl they won 52 to 17 over the Buffalo Bills. It was just an absolute rout over one of the other dominant teams in the NFL. So yeah, it was— I was 17 when that happened, and it was absolutely wonderful. It was one of the most exciting sports moments in my life. [background music ends]
ADAL: Very cool. Now, Jerry Jones, Jimmy Johnson - to have a role in the organization of the Cowboys, do you have to have a JJ name?
JEFFREY: Almost, yes. Yes—
ADAL: Perfect, good to know. Good to know.
JEFFREY: Like, uh, you know, people like Jony Romo and, uh, Jack Prescott.
ADAL: Jony Romo wasn't built in a day, of course.
JEFFREY: [laughs] Yup.
ADAL: Speaking of J names, if you are such a big Dallas fan Jeffrey, who shot JR?
JEFFREY: Was it uh, Maggie Simpson?
ADAL: I—I think you're right. I think you're —I think he sto— I think Mr. Burns stole candy from a baby literally. And then Maggie Simpson just shot him in the heart.
JEFFREY: I think that's it. I'm trying to remember, it's been a while since I've watched that show.
ADAL: Jeffrey, I'm gonna go ahead and allow for one more bonus point, if you can answer me this question. On the set of Three Amigos, a movie kind of about cowboys, who do you think was probably the biggest asshole on set?
JEFFREY: I'm gonna guess Chevy Chase.
ADAL: Yep, Chevy Chase.
JEFFREY: Yeah.
ERIC: Yeah. Jeffrey, I don't want to tell you, that was a layup - he likes you. You're doing a great job, that was good. Yeah.
ADAL: Not to mix metaphors - that was a layup. And of course I am good, good friends with Lorne Michaels and Randy Newman, who both co-wrote Three Amigos. So they invited me onto set, and Chevy Chase could not have been more of a piece of shit.
JEFFREY: I bet he could have, if he tried. I bet he's— [Adal laughs] I bet he's pretty good at it now.
ERIC: You were the first one uh— it was a seminal moment in movie history, when Mr. Rifai took out— took out his wallet. And then Lorne Michaels said, ‘mmmm 1 million dollars,’ and that's where that came from.
ADAL: Yeah, he said he's going to use that, I said, ‘we'll see’ and he— he did. Of course, Seth Green is also my second cousin. Eric, why don't you go ahead and tell us the scoring for round one?
ERIC: Alright, Jeffrey, you hit a lot of these points. My first point was just ‘the Dallas Cowboys are an NFL team from Dallas, Texas.’ Good job.
JEFFREY: Okay, great.
ERIC: Great, good job hitting that. You hit on the fact that Tom Landry was the head coach for 30 years, which is crazy. Ever since the inception, he was there until—until 89 like you said. You a—have actually hit on 8 of the points that I wrote down. One of the points was just a list of players, and you hit almost all of them, which is awesome. So I'm gonna give you credit for that. The only two things that you didn't touch on was that the Cowboys had a streak of 190 consecutive sold out games—
JEFFREY: Whoa!
ERIC: —which is the longest streak in the NFL. And although I felt weird writing it down, you didn't mention the cheerleaders, that felt important, although I didn't like that I had to write that down. But you got eight points, which is great. And 8, plus the 3 bonus points from Mr. Rifai, you're up to 11 points.
ADAL: And actually Eric, I don't want to condescend, but the longest streak in NFL history was one time I was at a Ravens game and I was completely naked and I ran from end zone to end zone, to end zone to end zone, to concessions, to the locker room, back to the end zone.
ERIC: You need to stop taking bets from Ray Lewis. I'm gonna write that down on your to do—
ADAL: Never, never. He's a good, good friend, he can do no wrong. And speaking of Cowboys players, Jeffrey, if you'd like later, I do have in my trophy room Deion Sanders’ legs.
JEFFREY: Fantastic.
ADAL: You can see those.
JEFFREY: I would love to see those. Those were very good legs, very impressive legs.
ERIC: You keep that in your home theater so that you can say Showtime?
ADAL: Absolutely. And there's a nice neon light just shining right on it. Of course in the movie theater, we only play Neon Demon, one of the top 10,000 movies of all time.
JEFFREY: The documentary about neon Deion Sanders.
ADAL: Yes, thank you so much. Neon in the streets, and a demon in the sheets? We'll figure that out later. Eric, why don't we go ahead and move on over to round two.
ERIC: I'm not going to acknowledge that you said ‘move.’ I just think it was good and I'm saying this to myself. And if someone can hear it, I—that's not my problem. Alright, we're on round two, this is The Perfect Thing. Now Jeffrey, we did touch on this a little bit with your favorite team. But is there a perfect encapsulation of the Dallas Cowboys? A moment, a play, a game, be— if someone asked you, ‘well, what's an example of— for why you love this thing so much?’, what would you say?
JEFFREY: I think one of the seminal plays - and this is, if you're a Dallas Cowboy fan, this is probably not the first thing you'll go to because it was a slightly embarrassing play - but in Super Bowl—
ADAL: And actually Jeffrey, very quickly.
JEFFREY: Yeah?
ADAL: I'm so sorry. Just to keep you on track, we are talking about the Dallas Cowboys, not Florida State University. So if we could avoid Seminole plays, I’d prefer we stick to Cowboy plays.
ERIC: Just three podcasters who definitely know things about sports. You're—we're here, baby, we're out here. There are five of us, there are fi— at least five of us.
ADAL: And one of the— two of them is Bill Simmons.
ERIC: Yeah, yes, exactly.
JEFFREY: One of the important plays in Dallas Cowboy history.
ADAL: Thank you.
JEFFREY: Or notable plays, I should say, was in the 52-17 Super Bowl that I mentioned earlier against the Buffalo Bills. Late in the game, the Bills fumbled the ball, I believe it was a fumble, and it was recovered by Dallas Cowboys defensive lineman Leon Lett, who went racing in the open field to the endzone. He was about to make it 59 to 17, which would have been the highest score ever by a team in the Super Bowl. And as he was racing, he started slow walking and dancing into the endzone holding the ball out and shaking and it was very funny and very entertaining. And as a Cowboys fan, I was like ‘yes, please, just like ‘Neon Demon’ Deion Sanders would do,’ hi- stepping into the endzone, flaunting the ball. Unfortunately, Leon Lett did—
ADAL: That couldn’t end poorly. Wha—huh?
JEFFREY: What? —unfortunately, Leon Lett does not have the beautiful legs of Deion Sanders, as you see every day.
ADAL: I do, yeah. Of course.
JEFFREY: And he was run down by special teams member - I believe it was Don Beebee is who did it. It was either him or Steve Tasker, I can't remember which one. I think it was Don Beebee ran him down—
ERIC: It was Don Beebee, correct.
JEFFREY: —knocked the ball out of his— knocked the ball out of his hand, and Buffalo got it back. It didn't affect anything as a win or loss of the game. But to me that's— that has always encapsulated the Dallas Cowboys to me.
ADAL: Always—
JEFFREY: Because it's always about flashiness.
ADAL: Yeah.
JEFFREY: It's always about excitement. And no matter how dominant they are, there's always a moment wherein they're going to trip over their own hubris.
ADAL: Uh-huh.
JEFFREY: And I love that about them, I find that really— I find that much more engaging than, say, something like the Los Angeles Lakers or the— or the New York Yankees, which I think are much more polished franchises. I think those are teams that have, like, a really, really ingrained history. If you go to Yankee Stadium, and you see the plaques, you know, for each of the retired numbered players. I think it's— it's like a museum exhibit, whereas the Dallas Cowboys are like a pastiche of gaudiness. And I think that's —
ADAL: Oooh, I like that.
JEFFREY: —really, really fun to me.
ADAL: And cleanliness is next to gaudiness.
JEFFREY: [laughs] That's right.
ADAL: I—I believe. It's almost—yeah, the— the hubris, as you mentioned earlier, there's almost a mythological element to it, where there's a lot of ups and downs to it. Whereas—like with something like the Lakers, there are a lot of ups and downs. Or with the Yankees, there's a lot of ups and downs, but they're mostly known for having the biggest budget. I don't know if the Cowboys have the biggest budget in the NFL, but it feels like they are more of an underdog than the Lakers or the Yankees.
JEFFREY: Yeah, I think that's—I think that's right. I mean there—there's a limit for every team in the NFL, a hard cap limit, so they can't spend—
ERIC: Yeah.
JEFFREY: —more on players than anyone else. But you can spend whatever you want on the stadium. And when they built their new stadium in 2009, they built the largest scoreboard in the entire world, it’s the largest HDTV ever built - to that point - it's enormous. I think it goes from the 20 to the— 20 yard line, to the 20 yard line, if I'm—I'm not mistaken?
ERIC: Oh, my god.
JEFFREY: So that makes it 60 yards wide? Math.
ADAL: Bonus, bonus point for just screaming ‘math,’ when you couldn't compute the numbers.
JEFFREY: They also built an enormous, like, contemporary art gallery within the stadium itself with a lot of, like, people like Jenny Holzer. So, who's this conce—you know, contemporary conceptual artist who does a lot of, like, things with displays of words and phrases and things like that. The Dallas Cowboys, like, sell in their pro shop, like Dallas Cowboy-branded Jenny Holzer merchandise. And so it's amazing to me, as somebody who's a fan of places like MoMA, right, or the Art Institute in Chicago, and looking at the contemporary art exhibit, it's so weird to go into a NFL Pro Shop and see things by, you know, Jim Dine or whatever with a Cowboys logo slapped on it, it's amazing.
ADAL: Well, as a Chicago native, I will say that Soldier Field also has a bit of what you're touching upon, which is if you go into the men's restroom, there is a urinal trough, which I think is just very simplistic, it's elegantly done. Some nice thick aluminum, So I think uh—a few other stadiums also have a curious art integrity to them.
JEFFREY: Classic Duchamp. Yeah, of course.
ADAL: Yeah.
ERIC: And New York City is kind of doing a John Cage thing by not having their football stadium in New York City.
ADAL: It's the— it’s the stadiums they don't build.
ERIC: Exactly. It's—it's the jazz of stadiums.
ADAL: Yes, very cool. Fantastic. Jeffrey, thank you so much for uh, for all of that, this is wonderful. I do have some bonus questions for you here. If you're a real Cowboy fan as you mentioned, please go ahead and finish this Kid Rock lyric from the song Cowboy. Cowboy, baby, ride all night, because I sleep all day. Cowboy, baby, I can smell a pig—
JEFFREY: From a mile away.
ADAL: That's correct. 10 extra bonus points.
ERIC: 10 extra bonus points, there we go.
ADAL: It's Kid Rock.
JEFFREY: Fa—famous Dallas resident.
ADAL: Famous Dallas resident.
JEFFREY: From the Big D, that's right.
ERIC: Mr. Rifai, can we get the score for round two? Out of 10, how many points did Jeffrey get for talking about the perfect thing, going from Leon Lett, all the way to contemporary art?
ADAL: Here's what I'll say. Now, I did watch— I believe it was last season's in-game Hard Knocks on HBO following the Dallas Cowboys? And can I just say - chef kiss to the bromance between Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott. Jeffrey, what number does Dak Prescott wear?
JEFFREY: 4.
ADAL: You get 4 points. Well, that doesn't seem fair. What number does Ezekiel Elliott wear?
JEFFREY: 21.
ADAL: So 21 plus 4 - math! That's uh— I want to say 25. 25 points, please.
ERIC: 25 points, there you go. Jeffrey, you're doing incredible. That is 12, plus 10, plus 25. I'm going to do my own math. 47 points, congratulations.
JEFFREY: Great. Fantastic. Clayton Holmes old number.
ADAL: Deduct a point, now he's just showing off.
ERIC: Alright, you're down to 46 points, unfortunately.
ADAL: I will say, Dak Prescott sounds like a international spy.
JEFFREY: It does. He— his full name is Rain Dakota Prescott, which I think is—
ERIC: What?!
JEFFREY: —sort of—
ERIC: Woah!
JEFFREY: —lovely and wonderful. So Rain Dakota, and then he's gone by Dak, which is just such an abrupt monosyllabic nickname for such like a beautiful first and middle name.
ADAL: Maybe he's a Billy Joel fan and had a heart a- Dak, Dak, Dak, Dak, Dak, Dak, Dak?
ERIC: You ought to know by now - you— I should've known that by now.
ADAL: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Of course. Billy Joel - very litigious. Last time I referenced his lyrics on this podcast, we were sued and had to remove it. So thank you, Eric, for reminding me.
JEFFREY: Another famous Dallas resident - Billy Joel.
ADAL: Oooh!
ERIC: That's true.
ADAL: Driving his car all over the suburbs.
JEFFREY: Yup.
ADAL: In houses, through houses, on top of houses.
ERIC: Yeah, The Downeaster Alexa must have been about the Dallas Cowboys.
ADAL: Yes, absolutely.
ERIC: Yeah, yep. Go— you guys can't make Billy Joel references, then I'll just start thinking only about Billy Joel for the time and just totally drill down on it.
ADAL: Allentown - very famous Texas City.
JEFFREY: Mmhmm. Absolutely.
ADAL: The still— steel meals. The steel mills. Oh, that's hard to say. The Pittsburgh steel mills.
ERIC: It's more— it could be Texas, it's definitely not where Billy Joel is from, it's anywhere else—
ADAL: Yes.
ERIC: Other than where he's from.
[theme]
ERIC: Hey, it's Eric and this is the butler's pantry, where I hang out, And no one can tell me what to do. and I'll talk to you directly about the podcast. Right now, I'm going to talk directly to my mom, hi mom, who just started listening to Tell Me About It and really likes it. But I now realize this is an episode about football, so she's not going to listen to this one, so I might need to talk to my mom, not on a podcast and at a different time. Okay. Hey, did you know we have a Patreon? patreon.com/tmaipod, where you can become a junior audio butler and get your little broom hung here in the pantry. We have a lot of brooms, it's getting a little crowded, but I think we can get even more brooms, as all of you join up to support independent media that goes directly to Adal Rifai, the real person, not the billionaire, and to Eric Silver, both the audio butler and the real person. We need your support and we appreciate every single dollar you contribute to independent podcasts. Just like our newest butler, Diego de los Reyes. Also thinking about doing ad-free episodes, where you won't even hear this mid-roll at all. Just go all episode, all killer, no filler. So you can hit us up on Twitter or Instagram or comment in the Patreon post, if that's something that you want, and it would just be at the junior butler level, so please let us know. There are more wonderful shows here at Multitude. I think you might like Head Heart Gut. If you wish you had more Multitude shows to catch up on, good news, we make a weekly debate show, featuring every single one of our hosts, called Head Heart Gut. Every month we take an iconic set of three items from pop culture or the world we live in and pit them against each other. In the first three weeks, each of our contestants present their choice, answering the questions on our definitive survey of greatness. And then week four, each contestant participates in a formal debate with a judge. We have decided so many things over 5 plus years of this podcast - best fruit, best movie sequel, best thing to do at a theme park, and much, much more. There are years of arguments for you to catch up on. Now, Head Heart Gut is exclusively for members of the Multi-Crew, which is a membership program that supports all of Multitude. But if you want to listen to them episode for free, I can help you, just search Head Heart Gut in any of your podcast app, and you can find the sample episodes. You can catch up on 8 whole episodes, 8 hours of wonderful debate content for free without signing up. Again, you can search Head Heart Gut in your podcast player for an Head Heart Gut sample, or you can join up on the Multi-Crew immediately and see what people have been loving for years. This episode today is sponsored by Shaker & Spoon. Let's say you're throwing an incredibly fancy cocktail party at a multibillionaire’s house. I don't know, just— let's imagine that's the case. But you don't know anything about mixing drinks into other drinks. Well, do I have the cocktail service for you. Shaker & Spoon helps you learn how to make handcrafted cocktails right at home. Every box comes with enough ingredients to make three different cocktail recipes developed by world class mixologists. All you have to do is buy the bottle of that month's spirit, and then you have everything you need to make 12 fancy, fancy, fun drinks at home. Now you might be thinking, ‘oh, I've done— I've seen boxes before. They always send us, like, gloop in a bag.’ No, no, no. Shaker & Spoon sends you premium ingredients - I swear to God, I learned that nutmeg was a nut, and not just, like, a powder, or I didn't even know where nutmeg came from. They sent the actual nutmeg nut that you have to grate. And I learned it because of Shaker & Spoon. At $40 or $50 a month, being informed about the world is an incredible price. Here's the thing though, you can save immediately, you get $20 off your first box if you go to shakerandspoon.com/tmai and use code ‘TMAI’, you're saving $20 on a $40 to $50 box, that's an incredible savings. I also want to shout out Shaker and Spoon that shares a lot of revenue, their small business working with other small businesses. And they're a wonderful person to work with. So please give them your money, and please let them know that we sent you so that all of us can make some quiche and you get wonderful cocktails. And now, back to the show.
[theme]
ADAL: Eric, let's go ahead and quick draw over to round three.
ERIC: Okay, I will and I'm not saying anything about it. Alright, round three.
ADAL: Quick Draw McGraw, of course, another famous Texas resident.
JEFFREY: Absolutely.
ERIC: Yeah, he played tight end, right?
JEFFREY: Is he the one with the alter ego of El Kabong?
ERIC: Yes.
ADAL: I believe so.
JEFFREY: Okay. Where he just smashed guitars on people's heads.
ADAL: Oh no, you're thinking of El DeBarge.
JEFFREY: I'm thinking of El DeBarge.
ERIC: Round three is the question and answer portion. We have some follow up questions for you, and these are the gotcha questions that Sarah Palin warned us so much about. So please answer as many as possible, as Mr. Rifai delivers them to you.
ADAL: Thank you so much, Eric. Jeffrey, are the Cowboys America's team, and how do you feel about that, in regard to how do you feel about America and about Americans rooting for the Cowboys?
JEFFREY: Well, they are America's team. They've been labeled that since the NFL films, I think called them that the first time in the 1970s. And yeah, I—I think that they are, I think they're the team that everybody loves or hates. It is— it is the team that no matter where you live, if you don't have a football team, or if you just hate your local team, you can always grab on to something that, uh— no, it's not necessarily that you grab on to something better, it's just you grab onto something you can watch. You know, if you grew up in Arizona at the same time I did, there wasn't a Cardinals, there was no Arizona or Phoenix Cardinals at the time. So a lot of Arizona when I was growing up was Dallas Cowboys country. So when the Cardinals finally moved there, you know they— it was always like cowboys filling the stands. But the reason those people cheer for the Dallas Cowboys is because they were always on television. So there's a thing where it is America's team because it sort of was, at the height of the Cowboys greatness in the 1970s, they were on every station who didn't have a local franchise. So yeah, I think they—and I think they've held on to that America's team thing. So there's a lot of, while you can watch any NFL game anywhere if you really care to, there's still a lot of love and hate for the Dallas Cowboys. So there's always a conversation around it. It is still America's team, no matter how good the New England Patriots were with Tom Brady, and people loved and hated them. It wasn't a day-to-day operation of news stories about the New England Patriots, the way it always has been with the Dallas Cowboys.
ADAL: Of course. Probably always on TV because of that super photogenic Troy Aikman smile.
JEFFREY: Absolutely. He looks like, like he looks like a dad, the dad you want right? Like if you get to shop for dads, you want like, I want Troy Aikman.
ADAL: Jeffrey, if you want to shop for dads, I do have a dad store inside my mansion.
JEFFREY: The dad store called.
ERIC: They're all out of ones who loved me.
ADAL: Well, the dad store called when I was a child and they ran out of my dad, which I guess is why my dad ran out on me. Next question, Jeffrey. Sorry, just give me a moment to— sorry, choked on some gingerbread crown. The Cowboys have made it to the Super Bowl 8 times, tied for second most Super Bowl appearances in history. And won 5 times, third in NFL history. But the last time they were in the Super Bowl was 1995, which is 28 years ago. Math. Are the Cowboys your favorite thing only because nostalgia?
JEFFREY: I think that's a large part of it. Yeah, I would admit that, like I grew up in Dallas, and you know, and then, you know, as a kid in the early 80s, there's photos of me wearing a Tony Dorsett jersey, and a little plastic Cowboys football helmet. And yeah, I think, you know, growing up at the time when they were so, so very popular, the television show Dallas was on primetime live at the time. And yeah, I think that's a big part of it. They were really terrible when I was a kid, like, by the time you know, the— ‘85 rolled around or so there was, as I was getting into like, really paying attention to football, it was disappointing to watch the Cowboys from ‘85 to, you know, ‘91 or so be so, so bad. And then yeah, at age 17, when something exciting happens to you, at kind of like mid-adolescence, late adolescence, it makes a huge impact on your life. So yeah, I think that's a— I think that's a big part of it. I watched a ton of—a ton of football, ton of sports back then, and that— they were the most exciting thing happening. So yeah, I think nostalgia is definitely part of it. Had I grown up in, you know, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, or Chicago, or Miami or something, I obviously probably am not a Dallas Cowboys fan, but I probably still have equally strong feelings about them. Although, respect probably remains at the top of that list, but I would probably add a level of disdain if I had grown up in another town.
ADAL: Beautiful. I do have to unfortunately say minus one point because you said in the late ‘80s, early ‘90s, the Cowboys were the most exciting thing in Dallas, when of course right across the street was Rolando Blackman I want to say, hooping it up for the Mavericks.
JEFFREY: Yes. Mark Aguirre and Derek Harper, absolutely. A short run of Detlef Schrempf, sure.
ADAL: Oh, for reminding me of that, please add on the point I took away, and add an additional point to that.
ERIC: Absolutely.
ADAL: One final question for this round, Jeffrey. Hey, asking for a friend, is it okay to like football?
JEFFREY: You should tell your friend that it is absolutely okay to like football.
ADAL: Okay.
JEFFREY: There are many reasons to be concerned about player health and safety.
ADAL: Sure.
JEFFREY: To—to uh, to find other things less giant, mainstream monoculture than the NFL. But I think if you are keeping all of that in check— if football is the only thing you allow yourself to like, then maybe there's a problem with liking football.
ADAL: Big, big, big problem probably.
JEFFREY: Yeah.
ADAL: If all you post on Instagram is pictures of your truck, then big, big problem.
JEFFREY: Well—
ERIC: What if it's a really cool truck?
JEFFREY: Yeah, I have a pretty cool truck.
ERIC: What if it has those cool nuts?
ADAL: Unless your truck is fucking Bumblebee from Transformers, I don't want to see it.
ERIC: But what if they have those cool nuts that I sent away for, that I get to affix to the back?
ADAL: Eric, we got to have a conversation off air. Jeffrey, thank you so much for answering that. I do have—this is my own personal bonus question. I have one more question for you before we move on to round four. Luca Doncic can do no wrong, he has a guest suite in my mansion here. He's welcome whenever, he's never showed up, but he has a room whenever he wants it. A suite in fact. Now, Christian Wood, great addition to the Mavericks, Spencer Dinwiddie doing his best, or as I call him, Widdie up. Who do the Mavericks need to contend, be a true contender and to give a— I mean Christian Wood is probably a Robin to his Batman. But who—who else, what third piece do they need to really contend for a title?
JEFFREY: Well I— you know, I would love to have another true ball handler—
ADAL: Sure.
JEFFREY: —on the team. So maybe the Mavericks could make a trade, maybe like one I—I feel like I could probably do a one for one Tim Hardaway Jr for Jason Tatum. I think would be an ideal trade that I think Boston would jump at.
ERIC: Yeah, there yeah, he's fine.
ADAL: Boston is known for being dumb as shit. Well, the answer I was looking for was Karl Anthony Towns, but I do like getting Tatum from Tim Hardaway Jr., which again, I think is a straight one to one trade. So let's add an additional 5 points to Jeffrey’s score, please.
ERIC: Alright. Absolutely, that's fine. I mean, Karl Anthony Towns might as well get out of the terrible relationship that he's in with the Minnesota Timberwolves, just deserves it.
ADAL: Yeah, pretty brutal situation over there. Eric?
ERIC: Yes, let's score round three. Mr. Rifai, how many points does Jeffrey get for answering your hard hitting journalistic question?
ADAL: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Well, I think what we'll do here is, let's see, how many times have the Cowboys been to the Super Bowl? It was 8 times?
ERIC and JEFFREY: 8 times.
ADAL: And they've won 5 times. So let's go ahead and do a nice even 13 points.
ERIC: Absolutely. That i— adding up all the bonus points, that is 65 points currently for Jeffrey Cranor.
ADAL: Well, let's add 4 to that please.
ERIC: Alright, I'll add 4 for to that, that is 69 points for Jeffrey Cranor.
JEFFREY: That was the number Dennis Rodman requested when he got to the Dallas Mavericks and David Stern shot it down. So he had to wear 70.
ERIC: That's the least surprising thing anyone's ever said about Dennis Rodman. Alright, we have 69 points. Before we move on, Mr. Rifai does late adolescence rhyme with Adal? Just add it to your list.
ADAL: Let's see. If you were to say, as per the cologne that I debuted right around the same time as Michael Jordan's cologne, I want to say it was ‘95. If you were to say ‘great Adal scent,’ and rhyme that with ‘late adolescent,’ I think that would work out.
JEFFREY: Uh-huh.
ERIC: That’s pretty good.
ADAL: Or if you were to say ‘Adal loves Evanescence’
JEFFREY: Uh-huh.
ADAL: —and rhyme that with ‘late adolescence,’ I think that works as well.
JEFFREY: In—in West Texas, I know a lot of people go Adal snake hunting.
ADAL: Oooh. [laughs]
ERIC: That’s good.
ADAL: I gotta catch me an Adal snake. I—I believe they nest right next to snipes, is that correct?
JEFFREY: Probably. Sure.
ADAL: Yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
ERIC: Alright, we're here at round four, the Wheel of Extraordinary Challenges.
ADAL: Ooh, yes, yes, yes. Roll in the wheel, please, while doing the splits, Eric.
ERIC: [cries] Not again, why?
ADAL: Thank you, thank you, thank you. I've instructed my man servant, Eric here, to prepare a few wacky minigames here to test your intellectual and creative mettle. What is a wacky minigame? Well, it's simply a mini game wearing, like, a propeller hat or whatever. Manservant Eric, what do we have today?
ERIC: We have the game Cowboy, Cowboy or Cowboy? Now, you're both going to compete to tell me if a fact that I'm going to tell you is about a— the football player, the wild west figure, or a bull - a boy cow. For all of these, Jeffery Cranor is going to go first.
ADAL: Okay.
ERIC: And Adal Rifai, you will be going second. It's just a little quiz, let's just see how it goes.
JEFFREY: Cowboy, cowboy, boy cow.
ERIC: Yeah.
JEFFREY: That’s my theater warm up before I go—
ADAL: And that was Bart Si— Bart Simpson's quote right? Famous quote.
JEFFREY: [laughs] Yeah.
ADAL: I had a t-shirt in the ‘90s that said ‘boy cow.’
ERIC: Don't have a boy cow, man. Don't have a cow, boy. Dammit. Alright, here's the first question. Remember, for all of these, Jeffrey, you will be going first and you will tell me which cowboy it is, and then Mr. Rifai you will go next.
ADAL: Great.
ERIC: Here's the first one. In 2005, the United States Senate declared the fourth Saturday of July as the National Day of the Cowboy, what type of cowboy were they talking about?
JEFFREY: It's—it's got to be— it's got to be the wild west figure. It's got to be in honor of the vaquero, of the— of the herder, of the nomadic worker. What do we say?
ERIC: Interesting, interesting. Mr. Rifai, what do you have to say?
ADAL: I think cattle is very, very important to Dallas and especially Fort Worth and of course Fort Worth - it's in the name - has more worth or value than Dallas. So I'm gonna go ahead and say I've been to a rodeo there, and there were a lot of Longhorns. I'm gonna say bull.
ERIC: This one goes to Jeffrey Cranor, this is about the wild west figure, but gee whiz, they just didn't have anything to do in the Senate in 2005, huh? Just doing whatever.
JEFFREY: [laughs] That's very strange, what a weird—
ADAL: —very strange.
JEFFREY: —what a weird day to name.
ERIC: Alright that is 1 point— that is 1 point to Jeffrey Cranor. We're gonna go to question two, was it a cowboy, a cowboy, or a cowboy who had an important part in Adam Sandler's film Jack and Jill, which came out in 2011?
JEFFREY: Oh, in 2011? Ooh, oof. Okay, I'm trying to think if there was an actual, like, Dallas Cowboy that would have been, like, known commodity in 2011 to pop into that film?
ERIC: Go back 12 years, who was popular—
JEFFREY: I mean—
ERIC: —who does Adam Sandler want to hang out with?
JEFFREY: I mean— who? Is Tony Romo in that movie? Terrell Owens was gone by that point. Maybe older Cowboys would have been notable like ‘Neon Demon’ Sanders. [laughter] I'm gonna—you know what, I'm gonna— I'm gonna veer left, I never saw this movie. I'm just gonna say— I'm gonna say it's a boy cow. I'm gonna say there's a bull in that movie.
ERIC: Interesting. Uh, Mr. Rifai.
ADAL: Now, I've never seen this movie either, but I believe, through just the cultural zeitgeist, I remember absorbing that a la John Candy in Nothing But Trouble, Adam Sandler plays both brother and sister?
ERIC: Correct, correct.
ADAL: Jack and Jill. And I believe the sister, Jill, I want to say is dating Al Pacino? Now Al Pacino, famously, was in the 1991 best Picture winner Unforgiven in the lead role, and I remember when his friend Morgan Freeman dies in a wild west saloon, I remember he says ‘he had a great ass.’ So I want to say that this is the—this is the Wild West figure, as portrayed by Al Pacino.
ERIC: Al Pacino was in this movie, unfortunately, no points. It was a Dallas Cowboy, you were so close, Jeffrey. Michael Irvin was in this movie.
JEFFREY: Oh, Michael Irvin. Wow. Okay, sure.
ADAL: Michale Irvin, wow. And I do beg everyone to please subscribe to Apple TV and check out Al Pachinko, a brand new series, as per 2022. Delightful family drama, just beautiful, beautifully done, Al Pachinko.
ERIC: I also want to say I've also never seen this movie. So if there is a cowboy or a bull in this movie, that is not what I was talking about. I was talking about Michael Irvin.
ADAL: Oh, right when you said ‘Jack and Jill’ again, I broke my crown. Eric, please get me another gingerbread crown.
ERIC: Oh, wait, no, wait, I have some emergency frosting. I'm just gonna put that together.
ADAL: Oooh, nature’s glue, frosting.
ERIC: And I’ll put a little here and there. And now we put it right back, and now it looks good as new.
ADAL: Thank you so much.
ERIC: I was using that Japanese technique where you use gold frosting to repair things.
ADAL: Oh, yes. Kosugi?
ERIC: Yep, that’s what it is.
ADAL: Something along those lines.
ERIC: Yeah.
JEFFREY: I'm gonna say yes.
ERIC: It only works if it's— it's kewpie frosting. It's just the egg— egg yolks.
ADAL: The best mayonnaise.
ERIC: Yep. Okay, are these nicknames for a cowboy, a cowboy, or a cowboy? Dillinger, Little Yellow Jacket, and Bushwhacker. Are those nicknames for football players, the wild west figures, or bulls?
JEFFREY: I was almost gonna say wild west figures because of Dillinger, but also that's not his nickname, that was just the dude’s last name.
ERIC: I'll never tell.
JEFFREY: Let's go boy cows, let's go bulls. That uh—that those are like names you would give to like a breed of cow or bull? Yeah, boy cow.
ERIC: Yeah. Mr. Rifai, what do you think?
ADAL: Can I— is Dillinger - what were the other two?
ERIC: Dillinger, Little Yellow Jacket, and Bushwhacker.
ADAL: Okay, so, Dillinger of course, a notorious gangster shot here in Chicago behind the Biograph theater. Famous for having a good, good dick. Little Yellow Jacket, I want to say is probably Christina Ricci's nickname. And Bushwhacker, famed tag team from WWF in the early—late ‘80s, early ‘90s? I want to say these are— these are probably nicknames for boy cows, in terms of Dillinger is probably a boy cow with a huge old donger. Little Yellow Jacket’s probably a boy cow with a small little stinger. And then Bushwacker is maybe an ironic nickname they give to a co— a boy cow that has lost his tag team, if you get my drift. Had his tag team snipped.
ERIC: You know, it's entirely possible, because these are all nicknames for bulls, you both get points. These are the nicknames for the bulls that have the highest bucking off percentage, as kept track by the official rodeo association.
ADAL: Oh, that is bucking awful. Jeffrey, have you ever had Rocky Mountain oysters?
JEFFREY: No. But I have had turkey fries, which are the equivalent, only made from turkey.
ADAL: Oh no. I didn't know that's what that was, and I had turkey fries yesterday. Oh, I was curious why they were round fries, full of cum.
JEFFREY: That's ranch dressing, sir.
ADAL: Yes, nature's cum.
ERIC: But it's kewpie, so it's just the yolks, it's just the yolks in there.
ADAL: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
ERIC: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ADAL: Actually beep out when Jeffrey said ‘ranch’, that's disgusting.
JEFFREY: Okay.
ADAL: I don't want that. I don't want this podcast to turn too blue. So whenever ‘ranch’ is said, just beep that out.
ERIC: Absolutely. Alright. This is 2 to 1, Jeffrey Cranor. We're going to the next question. This is an animated film from 2017 starring John Cena. Is it about a cowboy, a cowboy, or a cowboy?
JEFFREY: I—I don't know why I feel confident in this, but I immediately was thinking this is about a bull. I don't know what movie this is, but I— just maybe it's because you said it's animated, I feel like you're gonna have a talking bull, right? With John Cena as the voice. That seems right to me.
ERIC: It could— listen, it could be animated Tony Romo, we don't know.
JEFFREY: It could be.
ERIC: Mr. Rifai?
JEFFREY: Tony would love for John Cena to voice him.
ERIC: Yes, Tony Romo as played by John Cena. Yeah.
ADAL: Yes. Okay, so I'm thinking… I mean, John Cena is built like a football player, although maybe a little too blocky. But if he were to play the football player or the western icon, I believe that would be a live-action role. And why would you cast John Cena when you can get the rich man's John Cena, Dave Bautista? So I have to assume that this was audio only, which is where I believe Cena thrives. So I'm gonna say and I also feel like I vaguely remember a Ferdinand the Bull movie coming out. So I want to say probably this went direct to video and it was Ferdinand the bull, voiced by John Cena?
ERIC: You both get points, but I'm giving 2 points to Mr. Rifai for absolutely nailing it. Yes, this was Ferdinand the Bull.
ADAL: Did that ever get released in theaters? I don't remember. I feel like I saw one trailer on mute and then never heard of it again.
ERIC: It was just something— it was made by DreamWorks, so it was just kind of like ‘I don't know, whatever, it's fine.’ Alright, we are all tied up. It's 3 to 3 and we have three more questions to go. Time magazine referred to President George W. Bush's for— foreign policy as ‘cowboy diplomacy,’ and a lot of leaders in Europe at the time also said so. Were they making an illusion to the football players, the wild west figures, or the boy cows?
JEFFREY: I'd like to think that they were making a reference to the Dallas Cowboys. I think that would be awesome. That they were thinking about just how to run like a, you know, a trap counter play or something along those lines, but I do believe they were referencing the wild west nature, the lawlessness of—of the wild west. The anything goesness of American exceptionalism. So yeah, I'm going to say— I'm going to say the cowboy, the wild west figure.
ADAL: Um, I'm going to— let's— let's really talk through this. So I think, first up, football. I think George Bush— hi— the whole mission accomplished thing was a bit of a Hail Mary. Of course, he almost choked to death on a— on a pretzel, I want to say, on Air Force One, which is a big fumble. So definitely could be a football player. In terms of the western figure, he was a very shoot from the hip. He was very loose, loosey lasso was what we call them. In terms of the animal, he was full of shit, of course, ‘bullshit’ being a famous expression. I'm gonna go ahead and say, because of the hats, because he's, I think, part owner of the Rangers and good friends with Nolan Ryan, which is a bummer. I'm gonna go ahead and say it's probably the western figure.
ERIC: It was the western figure, but sh— man, all three could have worked, huh?
ADAL and JEFFREY: Uh-huh.
ERIC: I would have given you points regardless of what you said. I think any of them would’ve worked.
JEFFREY: Hail Mary was a— wa— in— as it relates to the football pa— the football deep pass, was coined by former Dallas Cowboy Roger Staubach, because he threw— when he threw his deep pass to win a playoff game against the Vikings, which was caught by Drew Pearson for a touchdown, Roger Staubach in a postgame interview just referred to it as the Hail Mary play.
ADAL: Good to know, that's a fun fact. 2 points for a fun fact.
ERIC: I love the 2 points, I love the fun fact.
JEFFREY: 2 points to Adal for just using it in the first place.
ADAL: What?! Me?! Frame— Eric, frame those 2 points and put it up in my office.
ERIC: I will. It'll be— it’ll be next to your first dollar bill you ever wo— you ever won.
JEFFREY: Next to the two legs.
ADAL: Next to—next to Michael Irving's legs and Boban Marjanovic’s left shoulder.
JEFFREY: It's huge.
ADAL: Huge, huge shoulder.
JEFFREY: Do you sometimes go and cry on it, is that your crying shoulder?
ADAL: Oh, yes.
JEFFREY: Yeah.
ADAL: As soon as he got traded, I cried on that shoulder every night. Of course, he got traded because I took it and he could no longer rebound, but neither here nor there.
ERIC: Alright. We got two more questions to go. Anna McDoulet and Jenny Stevenson robbed vehicles, sold liquor illegally, and stole supplies and guns, all to impress their favorite cowboys. Were they trying to impress the football players, the wild west figures, or the bulls?
JEFFREY: I hope it was the bulls. [laughter] I really do. But for the sake of points, it seems like— I feel like this is something in— di— did you give a year on that, is there a year?
ERIC: I did not give a year, no.
JEFFREY: Okay. It feels like insane-o, like, celebrity fan culture maybe, so I'm gonna say to impress the Dallas Cowboys football players.
ADAL: I like that, I like that. I'm gonna go a different route, the path less traveled. Thank you, Robert Frost, uh another famous Texan. I'm going to say that now we're talking about boy bulls. I believe BJ Armstrong and John Paxton were two 13-year-old somethings walking through Texas one day when two women drove by being like ‘impressed much?’ a la Shania Twain. They were not impressed much, a la Shania Twain, and so these two women went on a robbing spree to try and impress the kids into being adopted. They were not adopted and therefore they went on to grow up into full humans that become Chicago Bulls players and legends. So I'm gonna say that these were boy bulls.
JEFFREY: Chicago boy cows.
ADAL: Boy—
ERIC: Chicago boy cows. Unfortunately, neither of you got points.
ADAL: Nooo!
ERIC: This was about cowboys. Anna ‘Cattle Annie’ McDoulet and Jenny ‘Little Britches’ Stevenson were trying to impress the Doolin gang.
ADAL: Eric, two things - beep out ‘cattle’ because that rhymes with Adal, and I don't want that said. And then really turn up the volume on ‘Little Britches’, just make that the loudest thing in this whole episode.
JEFFREY: Just a super wet reverb on it too. Yeah.
ERIC: Yeah, just go whomp whomp whomp whomp whomp.
ADAL: Great. Now I'm hungry for wet reverb. And Eric, please, on my business cards, which are, of course, American Psycho White, please add in the nickname Adal ‘Little Britches’ Rifai.
ERIC: Uh, it's already there. I knew you would like it.
ADAL: Thank you so much.
ERIC: Yeah. Alright, last question. We're tied 4 to 4 here. Two cowboys started a fight while getting their hair cut, and one jabbed the other in the neck with a pair of scissors.
ADAL: Ohhh.
JEFFREY: I already know— I know this. I know that this is Dallas Cowboys, Michael Irvin and Everett Mciver, and it was Everett Mciver who was stabbed in the neck at training camp in Wichita Falls in 1999. And, uh—
ADAL: You hate to hear that.
JEFFREY: Yeah, so I'm gonna say Dallas Cowboys. I could be wrong, but by the sound of my voice, we know I'm not.
ADAL: I'm gonna bank on Jeffrey making all this up and just speaking with authority. I think he's lying. I think these were boy cows. I think of course, scissor— scissors are horns. And I think two bulls. You know, what's the thing in Spain they do with the bullfighting? I think there was— there was an accident where instead of a bullfighter and a bull, they just put two boy cows in the ring, and one stabbed the other in the neck with horns, aka scissors. So I'm gonna say these are boy cows.
ERIC: I'm going to give you both points, one because Jeffrey was incredibly correct, and Mr. Rifai, because you're my boss.
ADAL: Incredibly correct? Minus 10 points from you, Eric!
ERIC: No, no, I just gave you a point. For— to be nice! I can’t figure out this line!
ADAL: Never put an adjective before ‘correct’.
ERIC: No, damn it! Alright. Well, you both have five points, it's a draw. But Jeffrey Cranor, you come out with 5 out of 7 questions of these correct. Doing some math, I'm gonna round that up to 7 points.
JEFFREY: Nice.
ERIC: 7 out of 10. Ish. Meh, pretty close.
JEFFREY: Thank you.
ADAL: Do we know what the fight was over?
ERIC: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Jeffrey, do you want to recap it, but I have, uh, have this in front of me?
JEFFREY: Please, go ahead because I don't remember the specifics of what they got to ar— I think it had to do with Michael Irvin, whose turn it was to get their hair cut and Michael Irvin stepped in?
ERIC: Yes, that is 100% what happened. Michael Irvin said that he had seniority over MacIver, but the fact that McIver wasn't like a rookie, he had been on the Dallas Cowboys for a few years, this was already 1998 after the good year— seasons of the Super Bowl, so their tensions were high. And because yeah, because he wouldn't get out of his chair, they ended up fighting and Michael Irving saw red, grabbed some scissors, and stabbed him right in the neck. So close to an artery.
ADAL: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Saw red? It sounds like a boy cow.
JEFFREY: [laughing] It does.
ERIC: That's why I gave you a point.
ADAL: Now, a bull is gonna charge when they see red.
ERIC: I gave you the point. That's why I gave you the point. Yeah.
ADAL: So I can totally relate to Michael Irvin, not excusing his behavior, but I can totally relate. I was once in line for a Tool concert, and some guy cut the line, pointing to his friend in a black shirt being like, ‘hey, Barry.’ I was so pissed off, I stabbed him in the throat with scissors.
ERIC: That's exactly the same. Absolutely right.
ADAL: So… there, but for the grace of Maynard Keenan, Keenan Maynard, go I Maynard Keenan, Keenan Maynard? Keenan Maynard and Ka— Maynard and Kel, was that a Nickelodeon show?
[laughter]
ERIC: Yeah, that was the one with the orange soda. Yeah.
JEFFREY: Maynard and Kel was definitely the name—
ADAL: Thank you.
JEFFREY: —of a Nickelodeon show.
ADAL: Pouring a lot of orange soda going on. Also, Michael Irvin - famous for skiing the nose slopes, am I right?
JEFFREY: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.
ERIC: Extremely. That’s— yes.
ADAL: Yeah, so, okay, so that might have impacted his behavior as well.
JEFFREY: Uh-huh.
ERIC: I could only include two bad things that Michael Irvin did in this game. I did not want to clip a third of his rampant drug use. It was just—it was just stabbing a guy in the neck with scissors and Jack and Jill. I did not have the authority to do a third thing.
ADAL: Jeffrey, what a goddamn delight to have you on. Thank you so much for swinging by. Thank you so much for your delightful knowledge, your insight into the NFL and specifically the Dallas Cowboys.
ERIC: Oh, you know, Mr. Rifai, we have one—
ADAL: Yes?
ERIC: We —
ADAL: Oh, that's right. Just one more thing for a final bonus point, Jeffrey, you will answer this random trivia question about the world's most perfect film, Grease. In the original stage version, of course, staged, famously, in Chicago. What was Sandy's last name? [imitating John Travolta] Sandy?
JEFFREY: Alomar?
ADAL: Of course, Sandy Alomar Jr. was—was the last name of Toronto Blue Jays player but— and Sandy Alomar, his dad, had played for the Orioles maybe, but unfortunately, you're incorrect, it was Dombrowski. Of course, she was from Australia and as— as any good Polish Australian girl is named, she was Sandy Dombrowski.
ERIC: What a terrible name for a character. Hey, I'm going to create a fiction— a fiction thing, and I'm going to make sure I include a synonym for stupid in her last name. That feels rude, that feels very rude.
ADAL: Yes, giving— just giving Rizzo more ammunition than she needed with that last name. Let's go ahead and take a look at the high scoreboard. Eric, do you mind?
ERIC: Absolutely. Jeffrey, we— you have a final score of 76 points. You have done incredibly well, great job. And we're now going to look at the— we're now going to look at the final score. You can see up in lights on the giant jumbotron that we have here in the studio. It goes right from the 20-yard line to the 20-yard line, which is about 60 yards. We're looking at the final score. We are now bumping JPC, who only had 69.69 points, who talked about the Witcher, no longer on the high scoreboard. In fifth we have Matt Young, who talked about toy collecting, with 72 points. In fourth, we have 73.666 points for Janet Varney, who talked about miniatures. Amanda McLoughlin, my wife who talked about retirement plans, is now tied for second with you - 76 points. Jeffery Cranor coming in tied for second with the Dallas Cowboys, but we cannot beat Dr. Moiya McTier, who talked about exoplanets, who, if I'm looking at the number correctly, got 5000 se— and 75 points.
ADAL: That can't be right.
ERIC: You di—you definitely did it. You def—that definitely happened.
ADAL: Well, Jeffrey, much like a pair of scissors to the neck, do you have anything you'd like to stab into and plug?
JEFFREY: Absolutely. Josephine, my co-writer of Welcome to Nightville, and I put up a new podcast this past year called Unlicensed, it's over on Audible. It is a— it's a mystery set in real world Los Angeles, so check that out, all 12 episodes are up right now. And also I do, a horror movie podcast with my friend Cecil Baldwin called Random Horror Number Nine. Adal, you've been a guest a couple of times on that show, where we review horror movies one at a time in a random order with a special attention for people who are horror squeamish like myself, so check those out.
ADAL: Two of my favorite guesting on podcasts moments of the last 10 years, just a goddamn delight.
JEFFREY: Oh, thank you so much.
ERIC: I want to be on the show, but I don't think you can have too squeamish horror movie people on a horror movie podcast. It’s not allowed.
JEFFREY: I bet we can.
ERIC: Oh, I'll tell you about how much I loved reading the Wikipedia article for the movie we're talking about.
ADAL: Well, Jeffrey, thank you so much. That's all for this episode of Tell Me About It. Tune in next week for more math, turkey fries, and - I want to say - little britches. Say goodbye, Eric.
ERIC: Goodbye, Eric.
ADAL: I see what you did there.
JEFFREY: Best episode of Shark Tank ever.
Proofreader: SR